Took you long enough!

Holy cow! My last post was back in 2013!

I guess life just drags you into its adventures and blogging becomes last worry to kids, husband, home and work!! Then why and Im here, you ask!? I dont know. Maybe for more personal reasons like just marking down things that are happening when they happen. Diary type deal.

Im in a MUCH better place then I was back in 2013. Things have started to happen for me and I couldnt be happier with the changes that are taking place. 

First updates:

*Still married.

*Still living in VA. (but not for long!!!) We have been looking for a new house and debating on moving back to California.

*Cliff got a great job with the Government after he left the Dept of State last year. Its telework! Which means he is home now!!

*Still have four kids! Thats it for us. For real this time! Robs now a fresh faced teen heading into high school this coming year. Jades a sassy pre-teen heading into middle school this coming year. Justin is still the sweetest little turtle to be brought into this world and my Lily is turning into miss personality with the funniest jokes that will leave you rolling! I honestly have some of the most amazing kids on this planet!!!

*Still have the naked pig dog.

*Still have Shadow cat.

*Sadly, we lost our cat Lady after a good 15 years on earth to liver failure and cancer. It was a long battle  and she went peacefully next to me on the way to the vet. I was taking her in to put her to sleep but she decided to allow me to not have to make that decision. She went out on her own terms and Im at peace with that. We had her cremated and she sits on a shelf overlooking the living room where we gather as a family. I miss her dearly but I know she is happier over the rainbow bridge and waiting for us!


*We adopted a new kitten. Her name is Harley and she is ADORABLE! Lady 2.0 basically.

*Im waiting to hear back about on a job offer to work at a local doctors office. Lots of stuff going on behind the sceen so I have to just hang in there .

*Im still selling Thirty-One! www.mythirtyone.com/rnewton Dont be a stranger!! Come party with me!!

*Ive taken on the task of being the marketing and media manager of a new non-profit foundation. Its called The Raylans Wings Foundation. www.facebook.com/raylanswings Its probably the most healing and wonderful thing I could be doing in my life! I decided to volunteer and help my friend with this after the still-birth of my little sisters son. Having had my own losses, I decided this was a perfect way to honor the babies and help others at the same time. We are planning for our first Quarter Auction in April! We are looking for volunteers and vendors so if you know anyone who wants to get in on a great cause, send them our way!!!

This is something I really am taking seriously. For the first time in a long time, my life has direction and a healthy outlet!

*Im still just as loud mouth and opinionated as I have ever been. A little less trigger happy though. I now know how to sit back, listen and question when confronted with a problem, Im a little more laid back with things. I started to mediate and absorb the positive energy around me and am learning to discard the negative. About 2 years ago I took on a new path. I started to study Wicca and natures elements. Its been the most amazing and uplifting journey. Ive meet some amazing people along the way and its opened my  heart and mind to so many things in this world that I was so closed off to.

My depression has since faded into but a mere flicker of what it was when it took over my life before that. I did have to go back on anti-depressants this past November for severe anxiety but that was due to major life changes happening. Im more centered and at peace now.


I guess that's it. Ive just been keeping busy and keeping away from negativity. Only love and light welcome here!!!

3 years... Still hurts.

I knew this was going to be hard to type up. But my heart was flowing with words and I needed to get them down on paper.

The tears a baby loss parent sheds the moment she finds out the life within her has ended is indescribable. That pain is something only a baby loss parent can understand.

The tears that are shed on the birth day of a rainbow baby, the ones you see flowing down the face of a mother who has stared death in the face...

Those tears are real pain and joy.

Pain because her heart is still broken yet mending and she mourns the child she never got to experience this with.

Joy because baby made it! Baby made it and baby is alive and there. There in flesh and there in arms reach. There to smell and kiss and hold. There to hear and see.

Just there...

 

It's so much more than what my words can offer.

So much more.

…And then I cried


Three Years ago…
When I first saw that faint pink line start to become darker, I smiled
…And then I cried.

When I noticed the pink spots, I got scared
…And then I cried. 

When I started having the pains in my back, I paced the house
…And then I cried.

 When I woke up the next morning and saw the bright red blood, I screamed out
…And then I cried.

When the doctor confirmed that there was no heartbeat, I felt my heart shatter
…And then I cried.

When I laid in bed waiting on my body to birth my tiny baby’s body, I was engulfed in grief
…And then I cried.

 
Three and a Half Years Ago…
 When I saw that pink line appear again on all 5 test, I was scared
…And then I cried.

When I tested a few days later and the test was negative, I knew
…And then I cried.

When I started bleeding, everything was confirmed
…And then I cried.


Three and a Half Years Ago…
When I felt sick at my husband’s birthday dinner, I wondered
 …But I didn’t cry. 

When I got home and my thoughts began to race, I tested
…And then I waited.

 When those pink lines appeared again, I felt discouraged
…And then I cried.

 When it was time for the first check up, I was hopefully
…And then I looked.

 When I saw that little flicker on the screen, I felt joy
…And then I cried.

 When I felt every kick, roll and hiccup the next nine months, I was happy
…But I always felt a hole in my heart.
….And sometimes I cried.

When the time came and I first laid eyes on my rainbow baby, I couldn’t explain the emotions
...And then I cried.

Today...
When September rolls around and I start to think of the baby we lost and the journey of healing and restoring light back into my life and welcoming my rainbow after the storm;  I regain new perspective, I get sad as I mourn for the children that were lost but I celebrate new beginnings after.

I sit down and write this, peel some of the scab off a healing wound making it ooze with raw emotions, feeling that pain all over again as tears burn my face
 

…And I just cry.

Why there is no summer bucket list this year.

Last year we put together a big old bucket list for the kids of things that we wanted to get done and see over the 2012 summer. While it was a BIG list of simple things like 'make mud pies' and 'go camping', a lot of it didn't get done. My daughter reminds me of this every so often. It breaks my heart.

So, this year there will be NO bucket list. No planning out the summer. I mean, isn't summer suppose to be all about fun and being carefree? Having to stick to a list really didn't make it all that fun for me. Sure the kids enjoyed their time with the things we did do, but it wasn't what I expected. I didn't see the 'we are having a blast' looks on their faces I wanted to see.

Here is what we are going to do this summer:

Be spontaneous. No lists. No expectation. Just pack up and go based on the feeling that day.
Be open minded. No whining. No pouting. No crying.
Be free.
Be loud.
Be barefoot.
Be dirty.
Be one with nature. Bug hunting. Bird watching. Storm chasing (safe storm chasing). Star gaze.
Be at peace. If you ever been star gazing, youll understand.

That's it.

I mean, how can one go wrong with that, right?!

This summer I have some stuff I want to do with the kids that I will need to set aside time for. Robbie, being the big history buff he is, wants to visit Jamestown and Gettysburg. I would love to do both in one summer but it wont happen. Money and time will not allow for it. But one of them will get done. And there are a TON of local historic sites in the area also..



Do you do summer bucket lists or do you just roll with life and let it lead you on your own adventures?

Its not okay...

I know you all are aware of the birthday party invitation fiasco we had 2 weeks back with the teacher telling Robbie he couldn’t pass out invites to classmates unless he invited ALL his classmates. Realistically, it’s not possible to throw a party with over 60 students since the invites extended to students in other classes, so that wasn’t going to happen. This is a classroom rule. Not a district rule. Which means it’s to the teachers’ discretion and since we didn’t have issues in the last 3 years that he has been a student there we didn’t think it would be an issue. Apparently this teacher doesn’t think it is okay. Fine.


I told Robbie to collect the phone numbers of the students he wanted to invite and I would call the parents individually and get addresses. Robbie came home that Friday and said he had gotten 6 out of 10 numbers but he had left them at school on his desk. Monday rolled around and as soon as he walked in the door from school I knew something was wrong. Someone had taken the numbers. He had to start all over again. At that point I said no. I told him he was going to pass out the invites as originally intended at recess and if the teachers had anything to say about it, he needed to tell them to call me ASAP and I would handle it. He got all his invites out last Tuesday.


When the kids came home that Tuesday, Jade walked in the door and said ' I don’t know what’s wrong with Robbie. He won’t talk to me.' Robbie walked in after her and he was on the verge of tears. I asked 'what’s wrong, Robert?' His reply was that he didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t push it so I switched gears and asked him if he had gotten his invites out to those who he wanted to get them too without any issues. He said he did but he didn’t want to talk about it. I pushed a little harder and told him he needed to tell me what was wrong because I knew from the look on his face he was about to cry.


He gives in and says ‘Child #1 came up to me after I gave child #2 his invite and he said I was cool because I broke a rule. Then he asked me if I wanted to be in the 'Cool Club'. I didn’t know how to answer so I didn’t say anything. Then he told me that A LOT of kids talk about me behind my back. He said A LOT of kids, Momma! They call me weird and say I am lame...'


At this point my 10 year old son broke down into sobbing tears. The kind of sobbing you don’t EVER want to hear from your own child. He tried to talk about what else child #1 said. I couldn’t make out a lot of it but I asked Robbie how the conversation ended. He said ' He told me not to be a snitch and that was it.' I asked him what he had said to child #1 during or as the conversation ended. He told me that he just stood there listening to all this and he couldn’t talk.

 

His dad and I told him he needed to tell child #1 that he doesn’t not want to be involved with the 'cool club'. Which he did. We told my son knows he is neither ‘weird’ nor ‘lame’. He knows he is special and unique and that the people who matter most will never make him feel any less than who he is meant to be.


Why am I writing about this? A few reasons.

1. Schools need a redo on their bullying programs. The message that these schools are sending out is NOT reaching their students. They have a Bully Prevention Week every year for the last 2 years. The curriculum is NOT working. 4 months school has been in. 4 months of hearing about this kid or that kid getting picked on and called names. 4 months of hearing about the teachers yelling at the kids about being bullies. Enough is enough. Something needs to change. Either the school needs to be committed or I need to pull my kids out of public school because my children should not come to me in tears and tell me they ‘hate school’ and ‘never want to go back’ because of some other jerks kids and slacking school staff. A letter is being drafted. I will be approaching the school about my concerns.

2. The ‘kids will be kids’ crap has got to stop. For example: my daughter has had an issue with the same boy for over 2 years now. We finally put an end to it after his taunting and teasing got physical with her. My daughter would come home crying about this boy 1-3 times a week. When I asked the teacher about it earlier in the school year, she brushed it off as a ‘sibling rivalry type relationship’. I let it go. When Jade came home one day crying and told us that this boy had kicked her arm in a game of scooter tag and showed us her bruised arm, that was enough for her dad to get pissed. He requested meetings with school staff and would not let it go until the boy was held liable and punished for his actions per the district Student Handbook. For the last two years, this boy had been harassing Jade. For the last two years, everyone brushed it under the rug. What kind of message does that send children?

Here I am teaching my children that if they have a problem they need to see help from a trusted adult. But when they do, they are told that it is nothing and then given a little paper booklet on how to handle conflict? This is teaching my children 2 things. 1. When they tell someone that something is bothering them, its no big deal to the adults who they trust enough to tell. 2. There are no consequences. If a boy was to hit a girl, the girl was to tell and the boy got a slap on the wrist, and the girl was told it wasn’t that bad; do you think she will be eager to go to someone for help again? Or do you think that a trust factor has been lost for good now? Yeah. Think about it.

3. To bring awareness to you parents. You need to stay on top of your children. You need to ask them about clubs they may be in at school and what they talk about and if they are talking mean about other people. Ask them about all the kids they hang out with and interact with. Bullies just don’t happen. Usually peer pressure plays a HUGE role in this. Your kids may know it is not good to say mean things about people but will join in so that they themselves are not picked on. Let them know it is okay to not be a lemming. Let them know it is okay to speak up for the kid being picked on. They may lose a few ‘mean’ friends but I guarantee that they will gain a new friend for life in the kid they stick up for. Children need this kind of guidance from us so that bullying can stop. Teach your children not everyone is the same. Some children are okay with being alone and not having a lot of friends. This doesn’t make them weird. Some kids are rule followers and they don’t want to see others get in trouble for breaking rules so they will speak up. This doesn’t make them lame.

Teach your children it is not okay to speak about other people in a manner they wouldn’t want to be spoken about or to.

4. I’m a mother. I carried my children for 9 months. I have a connection with each one of them. My Robbie is a good kid. Before anyone says anything negative about him and tells me I shouldn’t trust my kids every word, let me make things very clear. He does not lie. He does not steal. He does not cheat. He is whole heartedly the kind of kid you see and think ‘Wow. He is going to make a difference someday.’ He is so soft spoken. He is polite. He is well spoken. A lot of it I believe comes from the possibility of him being on the ASD spectrum. My son is smart. I trust him. You really have to meet him to fully get what I’m saying. Those who have met him know exactly what I'm talking about. His character is so pure, I swear I gave birth to an angel LOL

All that said, just remember to be involved in your children’s lives. Ask them questions about what’s going on at school. Make sure they aren’t being lemmings.


Let’s end the bullying cycle, TODAY!

Open Letter to my Husband

My Dearest Husband,

First, I have to commend you on your faithful duty to me and our children. You've always been a man who has taken care of us in the most trying of times and in times of easy going. You work hard to keep a roof over our heads by commuting to work and spending long days in the office racking your brain over the technology that runs this great nations embassies worldwide and so on. You come home and spend weekends and some week days fixing the house and working hard in the yard to make our home beautiful. I love you for this. I never ask you for anything more than you can provide and I never will. You provide a sense of security for us and I love that about you. Thank you for being there for me. For being a good daddy for our babies.I appreciate all that you do to make our lives as fruitful as it is. And I appreciate all the hard work you put into everything. When you do something, you do it with 110% behind it.

Now that I got that out of the way, I want to explain to you why you got attitude from me when you asked me if I had gone to the store yet and I said no and that I hadn't had the time to get out of the house yet and you responded with your typical remark which sparked my bitch burner to heat up. And why when you ask me 'what did you do today?' I shut down and get mad.

A typical day for me starts around 430am when Lily wakes up for the 10th time in a night for a comfort feeding. We doze back off to sleep until your alarm goes off for work and you get up and ready for the day. Typically I am in and out of sleep during this time. Shortly after you leave Lily is up for the next few hours. Then around 730am the other kids start to awaken. Breakfast is made. Be it in a microwave or on the stove, I HAVE to get up and make sure no ones catching their pancakes on fire in the microwave and if someone wants bacon and eggs, I have to make it. So your theory on me just letting the kids run wild and free is debunked. By the time breakfast is over and the messes cleaned up(for the most part) its 9am.

Lily typically doesn't do naps anymore. She is either clung to me, on my boob or in her chair while I try and scramble to do what little I can do before she realizes 'hey! Moms not holding me!!' and starts to scream. You've witnessed this first hand. If she does go down, its for about 30 minutes and then she is up again looking for me. Sometimes I get a quick shower in, sometimes I don't.

By 11am I remember that I need to make a store run. I also need to make lunch for the kids.

After a quick lunch, I start to get the kids ready 1 by one. Find each one an outfit then socks then chase Justin around to get his shirt on, make sure the older two arent killing one another over whose DS game is being played by who, chase Justin around some more to get his shorts on then trying to find where each one of them kicked off their shoes. Usually there is a shoe on each floor of the house. I dont know how they manage that but there they are. Once shoes are put on I go to nurse Lily so she isnt hungry when we are out and I dont have to worry about a screaming baby in the store while trying to manage 3 other kids asking me for everything under the sun, throwing tantrums and trying my patience. Anyways, I nurse her for 10-15 minutes then change her diaper.

By this time I realize I have to get myself ready. Remember, I probably havent even showered by this point so I jump in real quick, jump out and struggle to find something that fits me. Its great to give up my comforts so that you and the kids are clothed with new stuff. 1 less person to worry about(me) so that you guys can have clothing that fits. I find something that fits finally. Throw it on, throw my shoes on get Lily in her carseat, grab my bag which is missing like ten things I need to search for(spare diaper, wallet, wipes), then I realize my keys arent where they should be(totally my own fault) so now I have to have a hunt to find them taking every 3 minutes to retrace my steps from the night before. Finally after 5-10 minutes I find them. By this time its 200pm.

I load the circus up into the car. Off we go!

Once we get to the store I take 2 minutes to take a deep breath and remind the kids of the store rules.

You break it you buy it.
No running around.
No touching.
No begging.
No screaming.
Stay close to mom.
Manners.

Once I get an okay from all three of them I unload the car, then battle it out with them when they start asking if they can grab the small kid cart. NO MEANS NO! Now comes the fun part. I put Lily into the main part of the cart. If you read this http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/118/2/e545.full you will understand my reason behind this and why this is now a regular thing for me to do when I shop anywhere with her. We enter the store and within seconds the kids have headed straight for the toy display that they have set up with all the sun and sand items. Im in my calm mode and say they need to come back to me and remind them of the rules. Before we even reach the bread isle, the kids are asking for donuts. No. Moving over to the milk, they ask for yougurt. Okay, pick what you want. A fight ensues as to which one is going to pick out what flavor and who is going to get what kind. I finally get tired of the bickering and tell them all to pick their own box out. Moving on. Somehow Im managing to fit all the items Im picking up so far in the cart around Lily. Doing good with the kids under control.

Oh crap, the toy isle again! With the smores supplies out front. God hates me(not really, but I know he is laughing).

The begging begins again. NO! And we move on after 5 minutes of 'can I have this?' 'can we buy this?' Half way through the store Justin begins to get tired and plops himself on the floor and refuses to get up. Oh god Im one of those moms with one of those kids. I plead peacefully for him to get up. I bribe him! Finally I pick him up and carry him on my hip. Lily is starting to get fussy by now. My nerves are starting to become unraveled but Im still holding it together.

My ability to push a cart and carry a 3 year old amazes me. By this time the cart is starting to get a tad bit full. I put Justin down, take Lily and her car seat out and carry it while one of the kids pushes the cart. Finally we reach the end of the store and get our produce and head to check out.

Of course everyone else has to be checking out at the same time as me so there is a line. I pick one. 5 people in it. Seems easy enough. 2 people taken care of. Then it happens. The light begins to blink. Someone needs a manager! A coupon didnt take. GOD FORBID YOU DONT GET YOUR .75 CENTS OFF YOUR DAMN CHIPS!!!! Oh and theres always someone with WIC that didnt get the right amount, right products or something that holds the line up.

Kids start to wander again. Lily at this point is not happy. 20 minutes later its our turn. I unload everything onto the check out belt and try to manage the kids who now want candy. NO! I tell them to go wait at the end of the checkout stand and put the bags in the cart.

Lily is now screaming. Justin almost got hit by a cart going after Robbie and Jade who have walked off to look at the candy machines. The check out clerk is slower than molasses. Finally its time to slide the card and gather the younglings. We make it out to the car and load up. Head home.

By this time I have a headache from Lily screaming her head off. She hungry, wet and just pissed. Justin is probably mad at me for something or falling asleep in the back and the other two have managed to find something new to fight about.

I pull into the drive and start to unload the bags. Lily is still screaming which in turn makes me SUPER stressed because my mommy senses are working against my brain which is telling me 'groceries will go bad if you dont get them in'. So I get them all inside. Pick up Lily, feed her for a few minutes, change her and then try to put things away AS Im breastfeeding her so that nothing melts or goes bad. I leave all the pantry stuff on the floor to put away later.

You get home shortly after and look around the house and see that nothing was picked up from this morning and give me that look and ask that question... What Did You Do All Day?

So before the next time you ask me that question, you need to be sure you are ready for the answer and the backlash that comes from a mother who is one string away from breaking down.

Struggling...drowning

 **Contains strong language. NSFC**

The last 3 weeks have been awful. Ive been feeling myself slip deeper and deeper into this fucking depression and I cannot stop myself no matter how hard Ive been trying.

Every time I felt like I was coming out of it, something else happened and its like a kick to the rib cage when Im already down.

Why does this happen to me?

Why?

Why cant I just have a baby and just be normal after?

Why do I have to endure a fucking year and a half of feeling like the world is the darkest place to be and I just want to escape it?

Why cant my body just allow me to be happy?

I have SO many beautiful reasons to keep on living for but I feel like I'm barely treading water and that I cannot fully enjoy these blessings.

Its a dark place to be.

Its a cold place to be.

I'm sad. I cry almost 50% of my day for nothing. I feel so alone at times.

Im tired. Its exhausting on my body. It hurts at times, too. I physically feel sick. I try to maintain my eating. I have to eat but some days I just am not hungry so I have to force myself. I have a baby to nurse. I do it for her.

I'm angry. Angry that I'm letting this consume me again. I cannot help it though. People tell me to just get better or go get help. I have gotten help. Know where that got me? NO WHERE. It got me a bill for a woman who didn't even really care.

My husband doesn't understand. I can only tell him so much before I get angry at him for not validating me and how I feel. Somehow it becomes a competition of 'who has it worse' between him and I. It doesn't help.

Med? No. Why should I take pills to kill off symptoms that will only lead me to ignore the cause?

I have my friends but its hard to find anyone who can truly relate to what postpartum depression or even severe depression feels like. Who wont judge you. Who wont call you unstable or think you have mental issues. Who wont discuss what you've told them with others who really do not need to know your business.

Why am I blogging then, you ask?

Because. I'm tired of holding back this freaking landslide. If I do not release some pressure, Ill break. If blogging it is releasing it, then I'm safe.

Do not judge me for this post. Unless you've been in the shoes of someone who has been through this horrible fucked up illness you have no right. If you do, you are just as fucked in the head as I am.

I just want it to go away.

I just want to be happy again.

Stop kicking me while Im down.