Took you long enough!

Holy cow! My last post was back in 2013!

I guess life just drags you into its adventures and blogging becomes last worry to kids, husband, home and work!! Then why and Im here, you ask!? I dont know. Maybe for more personal reasons like just marking down things that are happening when they happen. Diary type deal.

Im in a MUCH better place then I was back in 2013. Things have started to happen for me and I couldnt be happier with the changes that are taking place. 

First updates:

*Still married.

*Still living in VA. (but not for long!!!) We have been looking for a new house and debating on moving back to California.

*Cliff got a great job with the Government after he left the Dept of State last year. Its telework! Which means he is home now!!

*Still have four kids! Thats it for us. For real this time! Robs now a fresh faced teen heading into high school this coming year. Jades a sassy pre-teen heading into middle school this coming year. Justin is still the sweetest little turtle to be brought into this world and my Lily is turning into miss personality with the funniest jokes that will leave you rolling! I honestly have some of the most amazing kids on this planet!!!

*Still have the naked pig dog.

*Still have Shadow cat.

*Sadly, we lost our cat Lady after a good 15 years on earth to liver failure and cancer. It was a long battle  and she went peacefully next to me on the way to the vet. I was taking her in to put her to sleep but she decided to allow me to not have to make that decision. She went out on her own terms and Im at peace with that. We had her cremated and she sits on a shelf overlooking the living room where we gather as a family. I miss her dearly but I know she is happier over the rainbow bridge and waiting for us!


*We adopted a new kitten. Her name is Harley and she is ADORABLE! Lady 2.0 basically.

*Im waiting to hear back about on a job offer to work at a local doctors office. Lots of stuff going on behind the sceen so I have to just hang in there .

*Im still selling Thirty-One! www.mythirtyone.com/rnewton Dont be a stranger!! Come party with me!!

*Ive taken on the task of being the marketing and media manager of a new non-profit foundation. Its called The Raylans Wings Foundation. www.facebook.com/raylanswings Its probably the most healing and wonderful thing I could be doing in my life! I decided to volunteer and help my friend with this after the still-birth of my little sisters son. Having had my own losses, I decided this was a perfect way to honor the babies and help others at the same time. We are planning for our first Quarter Auction in April! We are looking for volunteers and vendors so if you know anyone who wants to get in on a great cause, send them our way!!!

This is something I really am taking seriously. For the first time in a long time, my life has direction and a healthy outlet!

*Im still just as loud mouth and opinionated as I have ever been. A little less trigger happy though. I now know how to sit back, listen and question when confronted with a problem, Im a little more laid back with things. I started to mediate and absorb the positive energy around me and am learning to discard the negative. About 2 years ago I took on a new path. I started to study Wicca and natures elements. Its been the most amazing and uplifting journey. Ive meet some amazing people along the way and its opened my  heart and mind to so many things in this world that I was so closed off to.

My depression has since faded into but a mere flicker of what it was when it took over my life before that. I did have to go back on anti-depressants this past November for severe anxiety but that was due to major life changes happening. Im more centered and at peace now.


I guess that's it. Ive just been keeping busy and keeping away from negativity. Only love and light welcome here!!!

3 years... Still hurts.

I knew this was going to be hard to type up. But my heart was flowing with words and I needed to get them down on paper.

The tears a baby loss parent sheds the moment she finds out the life within her has ended is indescribable. That pain is something only a baby loss parent can understand.

The tears that are shed on the birth day of a rainbow baby, the ones you see flowing down the face of a mother who has stared death in the face...

Those tears are real pain and joy.

Pain because her heart is still broken yet mending and she mourns the child she never got to experience this with.

Joy because baby made it! Baby made it and baby is alive and there. There in flesh and there in arms reach. There to smell and kiss and hold. There to hear and see.

Just there...

 

It's so much more than what my words can offer.

So much more.

…And then I cried


Three Years ago…
When I first saw that faint pink line start to become darker, I smiled
…And then I cried.

When I noticed the pink spots, I got scared
…And then I cried. 

When I started having the pains in my back, I paced the house
…And then I cried.

 When I woke up the next morning and saw the bright red blood, I screamed out
…And then I cried.

When the doctor confirmed that there was no heartbeat, I felt my heart shatter
…And then I cried.

When I laid in bed waiting on my body to birth my tiny baby’s body, I was engulfed in grief
…And then I cried.

 
Three and a Half Years Ago…
 When I saw that pink line appear again on all 5 test, I was scared
…And then I cried.

When I tested a few days later and the test was negative, I knew
…And then I cried.

When I started bleeding, everything was confirmed
…And then I cried.


Three and a Half Years Ago…
When I felt sick at my husband’s birthday dinner, I wondered
 …But I didn’t cry. 

When I got home and my thoughts began to race, I tested
…And then I waited.

 When those pink lines appeared again, I felt discouraged
…And then I cried.

 When it was time for the first check up, I was hopefully
…And then I looked.

 When I saw that little flicker on the screen, I felt joy
…And then I cried.

 When I felt every kick, roll and hiccup the next nine months, I was happy
…But I always felt a hole in my heart.
….And sometimes I cried.

When the time came and I first laid eyes on my rainbow baby, I couldn’t explain the emotions
...And then I cried.

Today...
When September rolls around and I start to think of the baby we lost and the journey of healing and restoring light back into my life and welcoming my rainbow after the storm;  I regain new perspective, I get sad as I mourn for the children that were lost but I celebrate new beginnings after.

I sit down and write this, peel some of the scab off a healing wound making it ooze with raw emotions, feeling that pain all over again as tears burn my face
 

…And I just cry.

Why there is no summer bucket list this year.

Last year we put together a big old bucket list for the kids of things that we wanted to get done and see over the 2012 summer. While it was a BIG list of simple things like 'make mud pies' and 'go camping', a lot of it didn't get done. My daughter reminds me of this every so often. It breaks my heart.

So, this year there will be NO bucket list. No planning out the summer. I mean, isn't summer suppose to be all about fun and being carefree? Having to stick to a list really didn't make it all that fun for me. Sure the kids enjoyed their time with the things we did do, but it wasn't what I expected. I didn't see the 'we are having a blast' looks on their faces I wanted to see.

Here is what we are going to do this summer:

Be spontaneous. No lists. No expectation. Just pack up and go based on the feeling that day.
Be open minded. No whining. No pouting. No crying.
Be free.
Be loud.
Be barefoot.
Be dirty.
Be one with nature. Bug hunting. Bird watching. Storm chasing (safe storm chasing). Star gaze.
Be at peace. If you ever been star gazing, youll understand.

That's it.

I mean, how can one go wrong with that, right?!

This summer I have some stuff I want to do with the kids that I will need to set aside time for. Robbie, being the big history buff he is, wants to visit Jamestown and Gettysburg. I would love to do both in one summer but it wont happen. Money and time will not allow for it. But one of them will get done. And there are a TON of local historic sites in the area also..



Do you do summer bucket lists or do you just roll with life and let it lead you on your own adventures?

Its not okay...

I know you all are aware of the birthday party invitation fiasco we had 2 weeks back with the teacher telling Robbie he couldn’t pass out invites to classmates unless he invited ALL his classmates. Realistically, it’s not possible to throw a party with over 60 students since the invites extended to students in other classes, so that wasn’t going to happen. This is a classroom rule. Not a district rule. Which means it’s to the teachers’ discretion and since we didn’t have issues in the last 3 years that he has been a student there we didn’t think it would be an issue. Apparently this teacher doesn’t think it is okay. Fine.


I told Robbie to collect the phone numbers of the students he wanted to invite and I would call the parents individually and get addresses. Robbie came home that Friday and said he had gotten 6 out of 10 numbers but he had left them at school on his desk. Monday rolled around and as soon as he walked in the door from school I knew something was wrong. Someone had taken the numbers. He had to start all over again. At that point I said no. I told him he was going to pass out the invites as originally intended at recess and if the teachers had anything to say about it, he needed to tell them to call me ASAP and I would handle it. He got all his invites out last Tuesday.


When the kids came home that Tuesday, Jade walked in the door and said ' I don’t know what’s wrong with Robbie. He won’t talk to me.' Robbie walked in after her and he was on the verge of tears. I asked 'what’s wrong, Robert?' His reply was that he didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t push it so I switched gears and asked him if he had gotten his invites out to those who he wanted to get them too without any issues. He said he did but he didn’t want to talk about it. I pushed a little harder and told him he needed to tell me what was wrong because I knew from the look on his face he was about to cry.


He gives in and says ‘Child #1 came up to me after I gave child #2 his invite and he said I was cool because I broke a rule. Then he asked me if I wanted to be in the 'Cool Club'. I didn’t know how to answer so I didn’t say anything. Then he told me that A LOT of kids talk about me behind my back. He said A LOT of kids, Momma! They call me weird and say I am lame...'


At this point my 10 year old son broke down into sobbing tears. The kind of sobbing you don’t EVER want to hear from your own child. He tried to talk about what else child #1 said. I couldn’t make out a lot of it but I asked Robbie how the conversation ended. He said ' He told me not to be a snitch and that was it.' I asked him what he had said to child #1 during or as the conversation ended. He told me that he just stood there listening to all this and he couldn’t talk.

 

His dad and I told him he needed to tell child #1 that he doesn’t not want to be involved with the 'cool club'. Which he did. We told my son knows he is neither ‘weird’ nor ‘lame’. He knows he is special and unique and that the people who matter most will never make him feel any less than who he is meant to be.


Why am I writing about this? A few reasons.

1. Schools need a redo on their bullying programs. The message that these schools are sending out is NOT reaching their students. They have a Bully Prevention Week every year for the last 2 years. The curriculum is NOT working. 4 months school has been in. 4 months of hearing about this kid or that kid getting picked on and called names. 4 months of hearing about the teachers yelling at the kids about being bullies. Enough is enough. Something needs to change. Either the school needs to be committed or I need to pull my kids out of public school because my children should not come to me in tears and tell me they ‘hate school’ and ‘never want to go back’ because of some other jerks kids and slacking school staff. A letter is being drafted. I will be approaching the school about my concerns.

2. The ‘kids will be kids’ crap has got to stop. For example: my daughter has had an issue with the same boy for over 2 years now. We finally put an end to it after his taunting and teasing got physical with her. My daughter would come home crying about this boy 1-3 times a week. When I asked the teacher about it earlier in the school year, she brushed it off as a ‘sibling rivalry type relationship’. I let it go. When Jade came home one day crying and told us that this boy had kicked her arm in a game of scooter tag and showed us her bruised arm, that was enough for her dad to get pissed. He requested meetings with school staff and would not let it go until the boy was held liable and punished for his actions per the district Student Handbook. For the last two years, this boy had been harassing Jade. For the last two years, everyone brushed it under the rug. What kind of message does that send children?

Here I am teaching my children that if they have a problem they need to see help from a trusted adult. But when they do, they are told that it is nothing and then given a little paper booklet on how to handle conflict? This is teaching my children 2 things. 1. When they tell someone that something is bothering them, its no big deal to the adults who they trust enough to tell. 2. There are no consequences. If a boy was to hit a girl, the girl was to tell and the boy got a slap on the wrist, and the girl was told it wasn’t that bad; do you think she will be eager to go to someone for help again? Or do you think that a trust factor has been lost for good now? Yeah. Think about it.

3. To bring awareness to you parents. You need to stay on top of your children. You need to ask them about clubs they may be in at school and what they talk about and if they are talking mean about other people. Ask them about all the kids they hang out with and interact with. Bullies just don’t happen. Usually peer pressure plays a HUGE role in this. Your kids may know it is not good to say mean things about people but will join in so that they themselves are not picked on. Let them know it is okay to not be a lemming. Let them know it is okay to speak up for the kid being picked on. They may lose a few ‘mean’ friends but I guarantee that they will gain a new friend for life in the kid they stick up for. Children need this kind of guidance from us so that bullying can stop. Teach your children not everyone is the same. Some children are okay with being alone and not having a lot of friends. This doesn’t make them weird. Some kids are rule followers and they don’t want to see others get in trouble for breaking rules so they will speak up. This doesn’t make them lame.

Teach your children it is not okay to speak about other people in a manner they wouldn’t want to be spoken about or to.

4. I’m a mother. I carried my children for 9 months. I have a connection with each one of them. My Robbie is a good kid. Before anyone says anything negative about him and tells me I shouldn’t trust my kids every word, let me make things very clear. He does not lie. He does not steal. He does not cheat. He is whole heartedly the kind of kid you see and think ‘Wow. He is going to make a difference someday.’ He is so soft spoken. He is polite. He is well spoken. A lot of it I believe comes from the possibility of him being on the ASD spectrum. My son is smart. I trust him. You really have to meet him to fully get what I’m saying. Those who have met him know exactly what I'm talking about. His character is so pure, I swear I gave birth to an angel LOL

All that said, just remember to be involved in your children’s lives. Ask them questions about what’s going on at school. Make sure they aren’t being lemmings.


Let’s end the bullying cycle, TODAY!

Open Letter to my Husband

My Dearest Husband,

First, I have to commend you on your faithful duty to me and our children. You've always been a man who has taken care of us in the most trying of times and in times of easy going. You work hard to keep a roof over our heads by commuting to work and spending long days in the office racking your brain over the technology that runs this great nations embassies worldwide and so on. You come home and spend weekends and some week days fixing the house and working hard in the yard to make our home beautiful. I love you for this. I never ask you for anything more than you can provide and I never will. You provide a sense of security for us and I love that about you. Thank you for being there for me. For being a good daddy for our babies.I appreciate all that you do to make our lives as fruitful as it is. And I appreciate all the hard work you put into everything. When you do something, you do it with 110% behind it.

Now that I got that out of the way, I want to explain to you why you got attitude from me when you asked me if I had gone to the store yet and I said no and that I hadn't had the time to get out of the house yet and you responded with your typical remark which sparked my bitch burner to heat up. And why when you ask me 'what did you do today?' I shut down and get mad.

A typical day for me starts around 430am when Lily wakes up for the 10th time in a night for a comfort feeding. We doze back off to sleep until your alarm goes off for work and you get up and ready for the day. Typically I am in and out of sleep during this time. Shortly after you leave Lily is up for the next few hours. Then around 730am the other kids start to awaken. Breakfast is made. Be it in a microwave or on the stove, I HAVE to get up and make sure no ones catching their pancakes on fire in the microwave and if someone wants bacon and eggs, I have to make it. So your theory on me just letting the kids run wild and free is debunked. By the time breakfast is over and the messes cleaned up(for the most part) its 9am.

Lily typically doesn't do naps anymore. She is either clung to me, on my boob or in her chair while I try and scramble to do what little I can do before she realizes 'hey! Moms not holding me!!' and starts to scream. You've witnessed this first hand. If she does go down, its for about 30 minutes and then she is up again looking for me. Sometimes I get a quick shower in, sometimes I don't.

By 11am I remember that I need to make a store run. I also need to make lunch for the kids.

After a quick lunch, I start to get the kids ready 1 by one. Find each one an outfit then socks then chase Justin around to get his shirt on, make sure the older two arent killing one another over whose DS game is being played by who, chase Justin around some more to get his shorts on then trying to find where each one of them kicked off their shoes. Usually there is a shoe on each floor of the house. I dont know how they manage that but there they are. Once shoes are put on I go to nurse Lily so she isnt hungry when we are out and I dont have to worry about a screaming baby in the store while trying to manage 3 other kids asking me for everything under the sun, throwing tantrums and trying my patience. Anyways, I nurse her for 10-15 minutes then change her diaper.

By this time I realize I have to get myself ready. Remember, I probably havent even showered by this point so I jump in real quick, jump out and struggle to find something that fits me. Its great to give up my comforts so that you and the kids are clothed with new stuff. 1 less person to worry about(me) so that you guys can have clothing that fits. I find something that fits finally. Throw it on, throw my shoes on get Lily in her carseat, grab my bag which is missing like ten things I need to search for(spare diaper, wallet, wipes), then I realize my keys arent where they should be(totally my own fault) so now I have to have a hunt to find them taking every 3 minutes to retrace my steps from the night before. Finally after 5-10 minutes I find them. By this time its 200pm.

I load the circus up into the car. Off we go!

Once we get to the store I take 2 minutes to take a deep breath and remind the kids of the store rules.

You break it you buy it.
No running around.
No touching.
No begging.
No screaming.
Stay close to mom.
Manners.

Once I get an okay from all three of them I unload the car, then battle it out with them when they start asking if they can grab the small kid cart. NO MEANS NO! Now comes the fun part. I put Lily into the main part of the cart. If you read this http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/118/2/e545.full you will understand my reason behind this and why this is now a regular thing for me to do when I shop anywhere with her. We enter the store and within seconds the kids have headed straight for the toy display that they have set up with all the sun and sand items. Im in my calm mode and say they need to come back to me and remind them of the rules. Before we even reach the bread isle, the kids are asking for donuts. No. Moving over to the milk, they ask for yougurt. Okay, pick what you want. A fight ensues as to which one is going to pick out what flavor and who is going to get what kind. I finally get tired of the bickering and tell them all to pick their own box out. Moving on. Somehow Im managing to fit all the items Im picking up so far in the cart around Lily. Doing good with the kids under control.

Oh crap, the toy isle again! With the smores supplies out front. God hates me(not really, but I know he is laughing).

The begging begins again. NO! And we move on after 5 minutes of 'can I have this?' 'can we buy this?' Half way through the store Justin begins to get tired and plops himself on the floor and refuses to get up. Oh god Im one of those moms with one of those kids. I plead peacefully for him to get up. I bribe him! Finally I pick him up and carry him on my hip. Lily is starting to get fussy by now. My nerves are starting to become unraveled but Im still holding it together.

My ability to push a cart and carry a 3 year old amazes me. By this time the cart is starting to get a tad bit full. I put Justin down, take Lily and her car seat out and carry it while one of the kids pushes the cart. Finally we reach the end of the store and get our produce and head to check out.

Of course everyone else has to be checking out at the same time as me so there is a line. I pick one. 5 people in it. Seems easy enough. 2 people taken care of. Then it happens. The light begins to blink. Someone needs a manager! A coupon didnt take. GOD FORBID YOU DONT GET YOUR .75 CENTS OFF YOUR DAMN CHIPS!!!! Oh and theres always someone with WIC that didnt get the right amount, right products or something that holds the line up.

Kids start to wander again. Lily at this point is not happy. 20 minutes later its our turn. I unload everything onto the check out belt and try to manage the kids who now want candy. NO! I tell them to go wait at the end of the checkout stand and put the bags in the cart.

Lily is now screaming. Justin almost got hit by a cart going after Robbie and Jade who have walked off to look at the candy machines. The check out clerk is slower than molasses. Finally its time to slide the card and gather the younglings. We make it out to the car and load up. Head home.

By this time I have a headache from Lily screaming her head off. She hungry, wet and just pissed. Justin is probably mad at me for something or falling asleep in the back and the other two have managed to find something new to fight about.

I pull into the drive and start to unload the bags. Lily is still screaming which in turn makes me SUPER stressed because my mommy senses are working against my brain which is telling me 'groceries will go bad if you dont get them in'. So I get them all inside. Pick up Lily, feed her for a few minutes, change her and then try to put things away AS Im breastfeeding her so that nothing melts or goes bad. I leave all the pantry stuff on the floor to put away later.

You get home shortly after and look around the house and see that nothing was picked up from this morning and give me that look and ask that question... What Did You Do All Day?

So before the next time you ask me that question, you need to be sure you are ready for the answer and the backlash that comes from a mother who is one string away from breaking down.

Struggling...drowning

 **Contains strong language. NSFC**

The last 3 weeks have been awful. Ive been feeling myself slip deeper and deeper into this fucking depression and I cannot stop myself no matter how hard Ive been trying.

Every time I felt like I was coming out of it, something else happened and its like a kick to the rib cage when Im already down.

Why does this happen to me?

Why?

Why cant I just have a baby and just be normal after?

Why do I have to endure a fucking year and a half of feeling like the world is the darkest place to be and I just want to escape it?

Why cant my body just allow me to be happy?

I have SO many beautiful reasons to keep on living for but I feel like I'm barely treading water and that I cannot fully enjoy these blessings.

Its a dark place to be.

Its a cold place to be.

I'm sad. I cry almost 50% of my day for nothing. I feel so alone at times.

Im tired. Its exhausting on my body. It hurts at times, too. I physically feel sick. I try to maintain my eating. I have to eat but some days I just am not hungry so I have to force myself. I have a baby to nurse. I do it for her.

I'm angry. Angry that I'm letting this consume me again. I cannot help it though. People tell me to just get better or go get help. I have gotten help. Know where that got me? NO WHERE. It got me a bill for a woman who didn't even really care.

My husband doesn't understand. I can only tell him so much before I get angry at him for not validating me and how I feel. Somehow it becomes a competition of 'who has it worse' between him and I. It doesn't help.

Med? No. Why should I take pills to kill off symptoms that will only lead me to ignore the cause?

I have my friends but its hard to find anyone who can truly relate to what postpartum depression or even severe depression feels like. Who wont judge you. Who wont call you unstable or think you have mental issues. Who wont discuss what you've told them with others who really do not need to know your business.

Why am I blogging then, you ask?

Because. I'm tired of holding back this freaking landslide. If I do not release some pressure, Ill break. If blogging it is releasing it, then I'm safe.

Do not judge me for this post. Unless you've been in the shoes of someone who has been through this horrible fucked up illness you have no right. If you do, you are just as fucked in the head as I am.

I just want it to go away.

I just want to be happy again.

Stop kicking me while Im down.

Im not dead, just keeping busy...

I feel like I haven't blogged in forever.

Oh look at that... its HAS been a while LOL

Motherhood will really put blogging as a last priority. It has been non-stop around here. While Im exhausted(understatement), I honestly love how busy I am.

Robbie is now 10. 10!! A decade since that little man arrived turning me into a mother. Unbelievable! Well, its believable but its surreal! Not a day goes by that I dont stop and hug my Robbie and thank him for coming into my life. He has been enjoying chorus at his school and has been making great progress in school! Next year is his LAST YEAR IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!!!!!!!!! Oh man. Im so not ready for this!

Jade turned 7 last August. That girl shines brighter then any star! Her personality has really come to the surface the last few months. Really! She has me busting up all the time. But she is totally a daddys girl. Jealous much? Um, YES! lol

Justin... oh my beautiful baby boy. 3 years old now. So handsome. So strong. Such an active kid. He is always GO GO GO GO GO! And SO determined to do things HIS way on HIS time. The battles that I have with him always end in smooches and giggles but Ill be darned if he doesnt make me want to pull my hair out! He starts kindergarten in 2013. I feel like time is just going too fast. Where did my baby go?! Who is this toddler taking over?!?!

Then there is my Lily. My sweet little flower. So beautiful. So small. So smart. Ive said it before, she is the BEST baby by far out of the 4. I have no complaints(other then her gassy baby issues lol girl can clear a room!). She is just so content in life.

Cliff is still working. Nothing much changing with him.

Ive been doing fairly well. I put photography on the back burner until Lily is a little bit older. In the mean time, I started heart in hand crafts. Ive taken up sewing and people actually like my stuff! I have a new addiction and its fabric lol

Ive been trying to keep my days very busy this month. What would of been Haleighs due date is coming up on the 22nd and its just a rough month and reminder of the sweet baby we never got to hold in our arms but now hold in our hearts. I miss her every single day. The pain is still unbearable at times but I know she is with me so I take comfort in that.

I also have Robs angel-versary on the 26th. We lost a good Marine and a good man that day.

The house is coming along great. We have been redoing the pond out back so its been nonstop digging, mud, dirt and slate the last 2 weekends. Huge project but its coming along great.

Thats pretty much it. Life is good.

Our Lily and a small update on life...

So the photos I posted in my original 'Shes here' blog were cell phone uploads. They came out horrible.

Sorry Lily. They didnt do your beauty justice.

I took some more of her once I had the energy and time at home. Its not easy to photograph a newborn. Its not easy to photograph your own newborn!

 

So theres our girl. :) We love her!!!

She has been sleeping through the night since we brought her home. Only a few nights has she woken up in the middle of the night to be changed and fed. Nothing I cant handle. Breastfeeding is going great. She is so alert when she is awake. Honestly a great baby.

My husband and I have agreed that he will be going in to get fixed on January 20th. I hate this. I hate the fact that people alter their bodies natural functions to avoid something that God made us to do. Have children.

I refuse birth control because of the side effects and the fact that it kills babies before they are given a chance at life. And there is no way Im going under the knife. I dont believe in it.

So...

He will.

Im having a difficult time with this.

Its sad.

Im sad.

I'll never feel a little baby inside me again.

Growing. Learning my voice. Being one with me.

It breaks my heart.

She's here!

Ill dig right in. Be warned. Serious TMI posting! Long too. I like to ramble. Its fun for me later when I go back and read old blogs I've written and relive them.

Last Wednesday(11/30) I started having really bad cramps and my mucus discharge went from clear/white to tinged with pink blood. I thought 'great! Maybe Ill progress from 2cm to something I can work with!' Thursdays OB appointment was disappointing. I hadn't budged. I gave up. I was going to be pregnant FOREVER!

Cramps continued throughout Friday. Still hurt like the dickens, still pink tinged mucus. It was my birthday and I wanted a baby. Unfortunately, baby didnt want to share birthdays.
Saturday rolls around and we lay around all day. Later in the evening we run to do grocery shopping and a quick trip to Kohls to get my MIL a gift. Before we hit the stores, we took Jade for a haircut and Cliff talked me into getting a pedicure. It was amazing and long overdue!
So we get done with our pedi(hubs got one too. He couldn't say no to a salon full of estrogen lol) and get our shopping going. Like usual, I started my contractions while walking around thanks to my husband who was 10 steps ahead of me trying to get me to go into labor. Nothing painful but typical annoying squeezies.

Around 830, we head home. We turned down our street off the main road and Cliff starts messing with my brakes because they were slick from the carwash we had taken it through earlier. As he is stepping on and off the brake, I feel something inside me 'snap'. Thats the best way to describe it. I tell Cliff 'that was weird. Either Lily just kicked me or my water broke.' So, Im trying to figure it out because I wasn't leaking or anything. We get home, I walk inside, stop for a minute and tell Cliff he is on his own for a second while I use the bathroom. I took 5 steps and TADA! Leakage! 'BABE! MY WATER BROKE! THAT'S WHAT I FELT!' So I run upstairs, shower and enjoy the game of 'wtf do I wear so I don't leak everywhere?' AH HA! I stuck one of Justins diapers between my legs and suited up! We stuck around the house for a while and got the kids organized and I got my last minute bag stuff thrown together. Gave the doc a call and told him Id see him soon.
Contractions were starting to come every 3-5 minutes after about an hour and getting painful so I knew we needed to head out. Its one thing to labor at home with water intact but for me its another to do it when water has broken and its my 4th baby.

We hit the road and now Im starting to feel them. Cramps from hell. Cliff would hold my hand as they came and squeeze as tight as I was squeezing his hand. It helped A LOT! We roll up to the hospital and go through ER. I walk up to the ER admin desk where theres 5 nurses sitting chatting 'what can we do for ya?' to which I reply 'where do I go to have a baby?' They laugh and have me fill out a form blah blah blah, wheel chair, long ride to L&D. They set me in a triage room where I waited forever with a husband who just sat there and drank his coffee all calm like. At this point Im hurting and he was about to DIE! Not really, but he wouldn't shut up LOL

Nurse comes in finally! Makes me dress in the dreaded gown. Does the magic blue swab to be sure my water broke and hooks me up to the monitor. Cliff loves the monitor! He loves to watch my waves. As we are sitting there, I keep laboring and he keeps telling me 'they aren't that bad. I've seen your peaks reach a lot higher then halfway!' Um yeah, they hurt. 'They aren't that bad'. UM STFU! Yes, he is still in his chair with his coffee. Yes, had I not been hooked up and in pain, I would of choked him.

So I get wheeled to my room. Get settled in. Walked around a little. My nurse, Pam, comes in. Sweet as sugar. Best nurse Id ever had. Was familiar with natural birthing since she did it with 3 of her own. I had to sign forms between contractions with her. Annoying. She hooked me up again to the stupid monitor. Laying down was the worse thing ever. So painful. I wanted to get up.

Cliff held my hand and helped me breathe through the majority of labor. My focal point, a green sticker on the ceiling. I dunno why but that's what I concentrated on with each contraction. Cliff would tell me when the contraction was peaking and coming down. He did good. I love him for it.
THEM BITCHES HURT! Id never felt such intense pain. Normally by this time(contractions coming every 2 min), Id of had an epi in and would be fast asleep until it was time to push. I have no pain tolerance.

This went on for a while(few hours). Finally, I got to my breaking point. Yes, I let myself down. I failed. I gave in. I asked for an epidural. I hate myself for it. Im crying right now even thinking about how I was so set in doing this unmedicated and I just caved. FAIL! But, Im proud of how long it took me before I asked. I fought it. I felt the pain I needed to feel. I went in seeing if I could do it, now I know I can't lol

At some point the babies heart rate started to drop with each contraction. So I was given oxygen and put on my right side. I fell asleep for a little while. Maybe an hour or so. I woke up to pain. My right side had gone completely numb and my left was feeling everything. My epi had failed me lol Pam checked me and said I was almost complete. I needed 20 more minutes or so and Id be pushing. She disappeared and I never saw her again. 20 minutes later, a new nurse shows up, then the doctor comes in to check me. Pam was off helping in another delivery. I was complete, +3. Baby Lily was knocking at the door ready to meet the world! The doc gets geared up, says 5 pushes and she should be out. Cliff gets the camera ready and assumes his position behind my left leg lol Nurse grabs the other leg. Doc says next contraction, push. I look at him and tell him I can't tell when the next one was coming because I could only feel half my body lol so the nurse watches the monitor
and told me when.

1 push, heads out!
1/2 push, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LILY!  December 4th 2011 @ 3:52AM bright and early!

I think we shocked everyone in the room with how quickly she came lol Even Cliff was like 'whoa'. No tearing or anything. Perfect delivery! And yes, I felt the burn as her head popped out.

There she was! Covered in beautiful slime, all up on my chest. Screaming. Oh my word, she has a set of lungs on her!

Daddy cut the cord. They let me have her for a few minutes then took her to the warmer to clean her up and let daddy take a few pictures :( my stupid lens was on manual so they came out blurry. Totally my fault. I should of checked before hand. But its okay. They weighed Lily and she was an even 8lbs. HOLY COW! I thought for sure she would be smaller! Nope. 8lbs and 19in long.

Doc finished up delivering the placenta and congratulated us and left.
My nurse let us have some 1 on 1 time with the baby. After a little bit, she took Lily and Cliff off to the nursery so they could check her over and clean her up.

I got to eat a sandwich while they did that. Nurse came back and helped me get ready to switch over to the mommy baby unit. I could of totally walked everywhere but she was insistent I get wheeled to the PP ward. My epidural wore off and I just wanted to pee. LOL

So there it is. I really tried with the whole natural birthing thing. I mean, I did it. Just not the way I wanted to with only half my body drugged lol. Its sad to think Ill never get another shot at this. :( my baby making days are over.

35 weeks later

And I'm still pregnant. For now!

We had a baby appointment on Tuesday. It was a follow up to a visit to the hospital last week. I was having contractions and they needed to stop them. All I can say is DAMN, THOSE SHOTS BURN!!!

I'm currently 1cm dilated. I still get strong contractions but not like before. Doc says she doesn't see me making it a full 40 weeks. I'm all for that! She also said that when the time comes, it will be a short labor. I'm all clear for a home labor and a natural hospital birth. I had to compromise with Cliff on this one. I wanted a home birth but he isn't comfortable with it. Oh well, at least I can do the majority of laboring at home with no doctors or nurses up my butt rushing my labor.

I just really want to meet our daughter. She is a miracle to me. 2 miscarriages in 6 months and a few weeks after the last we get pregnant and it sticks.

So much more I could write. But I'm tired. These last few weeks have been very unkind to me. My morning sickness is back. I have a horrible pinched nerve in my mid back and exhaustion is sweeping over me. Not to mention baby L is living up in my ribcage.

Angel Baby - 1 year later

I've been sitting here looking at this screen. The blinking cursor. My mind is blank. You would think that I would have a ton of things to say today.

I don't. My words elude me for some reason. Ill just type and see where it takes me I guess.

I am just wrapped up in a deep sorrow that many know but rarely speak about. Its been a taboo subject for so long. Something people tell a woman she should keep to herself. Why? Why should we have to mourn in private when all the world gets to mourn in the open when someone they loved has passed away? Why is the loss of a pregnancy at any age so hush hush? It makes women feel ashamed of their pain so this needs to stop. TODAY!

Miscarriage. what does it mean? What does it feel like as the days, weeks and months wear on and the pain of what happened becomes less intense? What is the healing process like? Where am I now a year later?

A miscarriage is the loss of a pregnancy before 20 weeks gestation.
A miscarriage is also the loss of a child.
A miscarriage is being robbed of something so precious. So innocent.
A miscarriage is being cheated out of a future.
A miscarriage is being cheated out of a child.
A miscarriage is being cheated out of dreams. Dreams for your growing family. Dreams for your lost child.
A miscarriage is being cheated out of a sibling(for those of us who have older kids).
A miscarriage is labor.
A miscarriage is pain.
A miscarriage is death.

As many of you know, I lost our little one at 7 weeks 5 days gestation, 1 year ago today. We found out we were pregnant 2 weeks prior and we were so excited after the initial shock of another baby coming into our lives wore off. I already had a love for this baby that only a new mother could have. We told the kids. Told our friends and told our family. Excitement all around!

I still was a bit apprehensive. There is always a lingering thought in the back of a woman's head. "What if..." What if the pregnancy doesn't progress past the 1st trimester? What if something goes wrong? You try so hard to push those thoughts out of your head and just pray and live each day as it passes. Thanking God for another day with your little one growing safely inside you.

Then it happens. For me, I started spotting on a Thursday. Then I started bleeding on a Tuesday morning. Then the ultrasound that confirmed our greatest fear. And the words "I'm so sorry" that come from the doctors mouth. I do not think I have ever experienced a heartbreak in my life that can compare to the one I experienced that morning. A part of me was lost. Forever.

"I do not know why you're so upset. You weren't even that far along!" "Why are you taking it so hard?" - Those are the words people said to me after I announced to my close friends what had happened that morning and began my grieving process in the days that followed.

A little background about me and why it is so upsetting when someone loses a child early on in a pregnancy. I am Pro-life. Like hardcore Pro-life. I believe that once an egg and sperm meet, that is it. A child has been created. A new human is being put together once cell at a time. There is no embryo or fetus to me. It's a baby. I value the lives of all living things. Especially a newly made child. Each one of my children was created in love. Each one is loved from the first moment I knew about them being inside me. That is why I take it hard when someone, especially me loses a child to miscarriage.

So why was I taking it so hard? I wanted my baby and my baby was not there anymore. Me and my husband wanted our baby but our baby was not there anymore. My children wanted their sibling but their sibling was not there anymore. We lost someone very important to our family.

I was not that far along. But that does not lessen the value of that little baby's life to me or my family.

That is like telling an artist who has started creating a masterpiece that "it was not that far along" after something has destroyed it. There was work put into creating it. Hard work. Hours of work. Do not cheapen another persons masterpiece simply because of how incomplete it was.


In fact, those words that were told to me, should have never been spoken. EVER. You do not know how badly they cut into an already bleeding heart. And you will never know what a jerk you look like after saying that to someone who has lost a child. If you do not know what to say, just a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" will do.

The last year has been full of ups and downs. With Haleigh's passing, we learned that we cant take anything for granted. We learned that each one of us is on loan and can be called up at any point in time. I learned that with every day comes a new beginning. A new chance at working past the pain I feel and turning it into something positive.

I wont lie. There are days I jump in the shower and just cry. You never get past the sadness or the hurt of your little one not being in your arms. You just learn to make it work on your schedule. You gain a small portion of control over it. But sometimes, it can get the upper hand and those times are the times you need a little nudge. I thank God for my family and friends who have helped me through those dark days.

My kids and husband have helped me through the worst of it all. And earlier this year we were blessed to find out that we are expecting our rainbow baby early December.

Angel baby brought Rainbow baby to us. Had Angel baby waited to pass on a week later, her dad would of been fixed. There would be no rainbow after the storm. Just empty, grey clouds.

Baby L and Haleigh already conspired together long before we knew about baby L lol That's my girls!

I know this seems like a novel. It probably is in some ways. But I don't want Haleigh to ever be forgotten. She is a very important piece in my life that I'm halfway missing and is halfway always there.

Those of you going through a miscarriage or that have gone through one recently, there is a silver lining. You just have to give it time. Do not rush your grief process and do not let anyone tell you that you should be 'getting over it' or some insensitive rubbish like that.

You have every right to take as much time as you need. You have every right to be sad. You have every right to post, write and tell the world about your baby's story.

After all, your baby is just as important as the next baby who is waiting to be born, is being born or has been born.

***To my friends and family;

Thank you all. Your support over the last year has helped me through my healing process. I know it is an awkward subject but society did that. What a great injustice to grieving mothers and fathers worldwide. We need to break that chain and let the world know that parents of angel babies deserve to be recognized and their babies deserve to be mourned just like any other loss of human life.

Please take a moment to remember all the little ones taken from us too soon.

I love you all.

Its A.....

Oh my gosh! Its been forever in a day since I've updated! Sorry! Life gets a little crazy when you got kids home for the summer!

So first things first, Im currently 25 weeks and 5 days along now. August 4th we went in for our anatomy ultrasound. Baby looked great! Totally a wiggle worm! Made it hard to get anything done because of the way SHE was laying and squirming. Yup, that's right, I said SHE! Baby #4 is a GIRL! All of Jades prayers paid off! LOL Baby is due Dec 6th(even though I think she will be a week early) and we have a name picked out but will not be telling anyone until she is born. I want to also share with you a note I wrote on Facebook that day we found out... since some of you family members are out of the FB loop.

"Today has been a very exciting and emotional day. Not just for me. Seeing our sweet baby girl alive and well on that black and white screen today touched us all... After we got home today, I took the dog outside to do her thing. Robbie followed and said he was going to sit down over in butterfly garden. I said okay and to come in when he was ready. After about 5 minutes he came back in and I asked him what he was up to. He said nothing. That he was just talking to God and thanking him for sending us our baby girl that we have been waiting for. I truly believe that you should never 'dumb down' what your children understand about the 'adult world'. They were sent here to guide us in some of life's trials and have a better understanding of the world then we give them credit for when it comes to certain issues. The loss of our baby in September impacted each one of us differently, including my children. To hear my son speak such kind and humble words brings me to tears.

I love my children. Thank you God for giving me such amazing gifts. I honestly do not know where I would be with out them guiding me with their knowledge of compassion, honesty and love everyday."

So there is the note. Kids are utterly amazing!

So, we just got back from vacation in Virginia Beach tonight. It was fun. I needed the sunshine something bad! My pale self got nice and red with a hint on tan lol the kids all tanned beautifully, thanks to my awesome genetics lol Baby L was loving it. I didn't wear a one piece this year so she was getting plenty of baby bump sun time in.

That's pretty much it for now. Summers almost over and school starts again in 2 weeks. Im excited! Kids are too. This summer flew by though. We just can't wait till the holiday season gets rolling!

Life Update :)

Things are going absolutely fab here in the Newton household! Kids are having a blast on summer break,rainbow baby is kicking up a storm and im no longer puking my life away! Nausea is my constant enemy but I can deal. Cliff is about to take a new position for a new company and that means way better benefits and even better $$$$$!!! Im so proud of him and how far he has taken his career!! Finally my mans getting paid what he is worth! Good job, babe!!!!

We are coming up to our ultrasound date in the next few weeks. We can't wait to find out if this little person is a boy or a girl! Im itching to go shopping!

We also have our Jersey shore trip coming up. We kept having to push it back because of the whole job thing. Can't wait!

So yeah, that's it for now! Life is good, the beer is cold and people are crazy!

Whats new pussycat...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Let me get that out. Lets see if I can write some more before I doze off again. Excuse the typos and run on sentences. Excuse the lame jokes and blah blah blah.

This has been the most insane few weeks of this year. I hope the last few weeks have found everyone in good health and your lives have been full and rich with many blessings!!!

First an update on Justin. He is fine. Perfect little devil. Never heard back from his hematologist so I'm assuming the test she re-ran on him came back okay.

Robbie is great. Freaking out about his SOL testing, which I personally as a mother am PISSED about. Seriously. My 9 year old should not be stressing a stupid test but focusing on learning and enjoying school! I'm not the only one who thinks this way. Parents are opting their kids out of the SOL testing. Its an option many parents don't know they have. Now you do :) Thanks to me. Yay me!

Jade is doing great, also. Well except for school. I think she will be held back this year. And we are all okay with it. She has a major disadvantage going for her - her age. She is a year younger then most her classmates. This makes it hard for her to be on the same learning level as the rest of her grade. We asked her if she is okay with it and she said she was. She understands. Hopefully we get a teacher this next year that will put more into her achieving instead of focusing on holding her back.

Cliff is good. He has been SUPER DUPER busy. He has taken on another project for work on top of what he is already doing so he is pretty swept up in work. Talked about the possibility of moving to Florida for a project down there. I'm all for it! LETS MOVE! SEE YA COLD WEATHER!!!

The house is coming along. Sort of. He has been busting his ass to get the flower beds mulched and stuff planted. Butterfly garden wasn't done before Haleigh's due date this past Saturday but that's this weekends project. Its going to be perfect when its done. We have butterfly attracting flowers all picked out and waiting to be planted.

Well, now we get to me. We all know how much I hate talking about me. ;)

Back in March I started not feeling too good. I was tired and cranky and just feeling all together blah. That lead to questions which lead to a pee stick which lead to a big fat + (POSITIVE). It took us by surprise. We had agreed that we were done trying to have more kids. I was done after my chemical pregnancy/2nd loss in February. It was just too emotionally draining for me to even want to get pregnant again only to be let down.

Well, this was a blessing. Its taken some time to get use to because of the loss of the baby back in September. Its been a very trying time for us the last few weeks. Its been hard to invest in a pregnancy that can have a tragic end like the previous 2. Its unknown and its so very scary. We kept it on the hush for a while. We didn't want to get everyone all excited only to be bearer of bad news again if something was to go wrong. We finally told his mom last night. We felt it was safe with all the stuff thats been going on with my health.

Thats my next topic. If you have been or are pregnant and have never had to endure morning sickness, FEEL VERY, VERY BLESSED!!!!!!!!!!!! Every single one of my pregnancies(except with Haleigh, which was the first sign something was wrong) have lead to one thing: Hyperemesis gravidarum (<~ you can find info on it if you click here) and hospital stays. It starts for me around 6 weeks and I'm doomed from then till I give birth. I had my first OB appointment last Monday and I was feeling yucky but it was manageable. I was tired and slept most of my days away to keep the puking to a minimal. Its no fun being in bed 75% of the day. I was puking up stuff but was able to hold things down. We got to see our little rainbow baby on a super ancient ultrasound machine and I wept when I saw the little flicker of my sweet babies heartbeat on the screen. There was no denying that that little baby growing inside me was very much alive and a week younger then I had thought! So at 6 weeks and 6 days, my little rainbow baby had a strong and beautiful heartbeat!!!

SAY HI TO RAINBOW BABY!!!! Purple circle between the two X's is rainbow baby! Its a HORRIBLE first photo!!! But like I said, the machine was about as old as my grandma. I didn't care. I saw what I needed to see!!!

Seems that the loss in February threw my ovulation off so when I thought we were safe, we were playing with fire. And what I thought was my monthly in February was really me miscarrying again.

A day or so after we had our first appointment, hell broke loose. My throwing up became a constant thing. Nothing was staying down. I was stuck on my death bed for 3 days before Cliff said enough was enough. The doctors had put me on Zofran, Reglan and Promethazine (all which makes me VERY sleepy!!!). All at the same time. PILLS DO NOT WORK ON A WOMAN WHO CANT EVEN KEEP A TABLESPOON OF WATER DOWN!! So Monday, Cliff called the doctor for me and told them they need to do something. He took me to the ER where I broke down crying everytime I saw someone with a water bottle. Ive never wanted water so badly in all my life. Like I would literally force myself to drink water only to throw it up 2 seconds later but I needed to taste its coldness!!! I was desperate!!!! I stayed there and got re-juiced and some IV meds. I felt like a million bucks but I told the doctor I needed to be set up with a portable IV machine. She said she would talk to my OB/GYNs office and see what they say. She spoke to the doc on call and it was the doctor I HATE HATE HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!! This man never once came to see me and has NO clue of my past history with this. It was left to him to say I didnt need to be sent home with anything other then what I got. JERK!!! I sat there and looked the ER doc in the face and said I thought it was BS and that I would be back because they werent listening to me.

I didnt know at the time but Cliff was already at my OBs office working out details to have a home-care nurse come in and help me with a portable Zofran machine. Thank god for Cliff. This man took the day off to take care of everything for me including the kids who are off for spring break. So starting in the next day or so, Ill be hooked up to a little cell phone sized machine that pumps meds into my body for as long as I need it. I have to function so this is my last resort. Taking on Hyperemesis and 3 kids is no joke.

Ive lost 15lbs since last Monday. That's how serious this is. If mama isn't getting any nutrients, neither is baby. So I take this VERY serious. Its not the diet I had in mind when I said I wanted to lose weight a couple months ago!!

So there you have it.

Oh and just to let everyone know, I have a horrible attitude now. So if you piss me off enough be prepared to be disowned. You've been warned. I'm pregnant and hormonal which makes me very not nice but it only shows IF you make me angry. Or cry. Don't make me cry. You will not like me anymore.Oh and dont ask me if this is our last baby or tell me that I should know better then to get pregnant again because of how sick I get. I didnt ask for this. But I do love the little babies that come out of it all. And I would do it a billion times over if I could.

We're having a rainbow baby!!!! Sometime between Thanksgiving and December 6th!!!! EEK!!!

Loss - Grief - Healing - Hope

Im learning as time goes on, that grief from a pregnancy loss is like a cancer.

It shows up one day totally unexpected. Exposes weaknesses you never knew you had.

It redefines a person and their life. How they live every day. Do you get up and face the day and the pain of having to live while your baby has passed? Or do you remain in bed and let it all consume you? Do you try again? Do you fight it or do you give up?

At first, its a battle to live and see any positive outcome beyond the dark hole you find yourself in. Grief takes over. You mourn. You cry. You get angry. You ask questions that may never be answered. You search for people who can understand. You laugh. You at one point question your own sanity. And you ask why... Why me? Why my family? Why did this happen?

Grief goes into remission.

Months(or years) after fighting the initial battle of loss, grief subsides a little. The silver lining of the recovery process makes it way through the storm clouds. A little bit of sunshine peeking through. You can smile again. You're able to look at life in a whole new light. A healing light. And a rainbow of hope. Because for a while, you lost all hope. Its a beautiful feeling to gain it again.

But every now and again, that grief will creep up on you. It can come in the most benign forms. And sometimes it comes as a slap in your face.

Something as simple as a friends new baby can bring up that grief again. And it eats away at you. You want YOUR baby to be born, too. I know I do. I know I ache for those kicks and achy ribs, frequent bathroom trips and morning sickness.

Sometimes it could be as simple as a commercial or TV show with a baby in it. My husband use to change the channel when there were new babies that came on during TV programs. He saw how upset it made me and didnt like it. After I while I felt it was okay to leave the shows on and I told him to stop. It was a baby step for me.

It can be a sharp sting to your soul. The loss of a friends pregnancy can bring up all that hurt again. Knowing what they have ahead of them but at the same time knowing you hate that you now can relate to that pain. Its a pain we all share when we lose a baby. Be it at 4 weeks of at 40 weeks. Your baby died. Their baby died. Its the worse thing a couple/family and a woman has to go through. Unfulfilled dreams and unspent love.

Just as sudden(or over time) as grief came back into your life, its back in remission.

Baby steps of the healing process. In and out of grief. And its okay. Its perfectly normal. Dont let anyone lead you to believe otherwise.

Im learning to heal. And with that Ive learned to hope and have faith in God who has a plan for us all. It may not be the plan we want, but its the plan he knows we need.

We all need hope. And we all need to hang on to the faith.

As for grief; you learn to bare it and move through it as part of your life. Never forgetting that sweet little angel watching over you.

Im waiting for my rainbow. Because I know that my rainy skys are giving way to a silver lining and soon Ill feel the warmth of the sun rays.

Hugs to all my baby loss moms. Love and Light bless you all.

**Sigh**

Dear Family,

No, I'm not pregnant.

I was at one point this past month.

Seems that my embryo didn't like my uterus.

Oh well. Such is life.

You can stop talking about it now. Hope this cleared up any confusion.

~R

I wonder...

So, Ive had some down time lately and that means a lot of time to think. There is a bunch of stuff on my mind from Justins health to my own.

Yesterday I was thinking about my miscarriage in September. I was trying to figure out all the things I could of possibly done that might of caused it. I know, I know.. they happen but it doesn't stop a woman from thinking this way from time to time. Its a natural process but its also hard to accept because we always are looking for a cause to things that happen in life.

I started thinking back before I even found out I was pregnant. Vacations, drinking like a mad woman with friends, flying, stress, Justin jumping on my belly just a few days before our loss. All of it could of caused some kind of damage to my growing baby that might have contributed to her death. I thought back even further and something stood out in my head.... My IUD.

I had issues with getting an IUD but I needed a more reliable form of birth control since I fail at taking the pill. Ive always been afraid to get an IUD because of the damage it could cause my uterus. I'm not cool with sticking objects in my body that shouldn't be there. I'm not even cool with taking a birth control pill because they cause miscarriages to occur. Yes, believe it or not, if an egg is fertilized while you are on the pill, you will lose that pregnancy because the pill causes your lining to not be favorable for the egg to implant. But drug companies and doctors FAIL to tell you this. This is also why a birth control pill is not 100% and only 92% effective. Theres that 8% chance the egg will implant.

Anywho, maybe the IUD did something to my uterus. Ive had no issues with completing a pregnancy to full term(except for the blighted ovum). Then I get the IUD removed, get pregnant months later and lose the pregnancy. Then the chemical pregnancy happens. So, I wonder if the two go hand in hand.

Its just a thought though. Who knows. All I know is that Im not going to be introducing any chemicals into my body ever again. No more birth control. No more! If I get pregnant again, thats a personal choice for me and my husband. We both know we will be okay. Babies in this house are a blessing! Now....Dear body, HOLD ON TO MY BABIES AND STOP LOSING THEM!!!!

On the road to recovery!

Excellent Hematologist appointment today!

Hgb 10
Hct  30
RBC ? I know its higher then before which means the marrow is doing its job again!

Everything is climbing just like it should.

SO!!! That means that T.E.C. may have been what he has after all. Still waiting on the Parvo results.

Some folic and B12 issues but nothing that cant be fixed.

Praise the Lord, my baby is healing!!!!!! THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS!!!

4 positives and then 3 negatives?

Lately Ive been REALLY tired and REALLY absentminded. Its gotten so bad that I completely forgot my husband had parked behind me the other day and in a rush to get Jade to her tutor lesson, I backed directly into the front of his car. Even when it happened, it didnt register that I had hit his car! I was like 'omg! wtf did I just hit???" Only when I got out of the car did I have my 'oh shit' moment.

Okay so I took a pregnancy test that night. Things were adding up. it came back as half a positive. Like one solid control line and half of the second 'your pregnant' line. So I took another one. It was more faint. Another 'oh shit' moment for me. I kept it to myself  for the night. Id test again in the AM when my HGC levels would higher in my urine. So I woke up the next day. Pee'd on one stick. It wasnt working! The purple dye wasnt going up the stick like it should of been! So I took another a little while later when I could force myself to pee lol It came back positive! When I went back later to look at the other one, it was also positive! 4 positives. Those are positives right? 2 lines yes. 1 line no. I am seeing two lines, right? Ive used this brand before. They come in a box of 5 strips. I used them when I found out I was pregnant with Haleigh.

First top two are from Thursday. Bottom two are from Friday morning.

So just to be 100% sure, I did what ever other woman does. I run to CVS and pick up a 3 pack of EPT. I waited an hour and pee'd on the stick. Negative. I took another one a few hours later and same thing. Negative. I asked my cousin what it meant and she said to do it again in the morning. So I did. Pee'd on the stick and NEGATIVE! 3 negatives to my 4 positives. I started spotting a little today. Not much but a little speck here and there. I figure it was from messing around with hubs this morning. 

Top two from Friday. Bottom from this morning.

So what does this all mean? Well I can think of two things.

1. The test pack I used was faulty and the batch was bad giving me a false positive(which is rare).

OR

2. I had a chemical pregnancy.

Id much rather have the 1st option over the second. Because the second means I have lost yet another pregnancy. Which right now, I really emotionally could NOT take the news of that. I mean seriously. After losing one baby and the recent drama with Turtles health all in a 5 month time span..... I might just lose my last thread of hope I have left for any chance of having a normal freaking year. 

Over dramatic? Maybe to you. You haven't had to go through the last 5 months. I pray that you never do and that you never judge a woman who has. 

So what do I do now?

Wait. Thats all I can do.

Lately, my lifes been one great big waiting game. And Im tired of waiting.

AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, things are improving slowly! Last week Monday, Justins Hct and HgB counts were 6.7 and 17.

Today we hit 8 HgB and 24.7 Hct!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its a small jump but its improvement!!!!! Ill take that over not having any jumps or even dipping!!!

YAY!!! This makes me soooo happy. My little guy is on a good path and hopefully everything will look up from here on out!!!!