Well, at least today there is a happy cloud over my household. Today is the first day of Fall. I welcome this season with open arms!
Today is also the 10 year wedding anniversary of a very special couple. Cliff and myself!
We have been through so much in the last 10 years that its honestly beyond me how we have managed to not kill one another.
Im glad we are still together though. :) He has rescued me from myself so many times. I dont know what I would do without him.
I love you Cliff. Heres to 10 more decades with you!!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
And the world keeps spinning...
I have a hard time watching newborns on TV, or seeing pregnant women in commercials. I have a hard time reading books about babies and magazines that offer pregnancy advice. I just want to sleep. Sleep away the pain in my heart. Thank God for Cliff... If he wasnt around to push me out of bed, I would sleep forever.
I was telling Cliff the other night, that a womans body and mind start to prepare itself for pregnancy and birth the moment you find out you are pregnant. And then POOF!, its all ripped away from you in the blink of an eye. It changes you forever. Anyone who has been there knows you will never be the same. You dont just forget and move on. Life moves on but a piece of your heart is lost in the world.
Everyone around me is getting pregnant and announcing their pregnancys. Im SO thrilled for them. I honestly am, but a little piece of me is sad. That should be me up there. I dont get all the congrats and praise. I dont get to have that natural high. - annnnn end pity party - NOW.
All I can do now is offer them love and pray for their health and their babies to be born beautiful and healthy!
Ive been keeping busy. Ive just about finished Haleighs box. Now Im sewing a cute 'sweet dreams' butterfly picture to put in it. I havent picked up a needle and thread in years! It feels good!
I miss you baby. There is a empty void where you once grew. Just a big empty void filled with sadness.
I was telling Cliff the other night, that a womans body and mind start to prepare itself for pregnancy and birth the moment you find out you are pregnant. And then POOF!, its all ripped away from you in the blink of an eye. It changes you forever. Anyone who has been there knows you will never be the same. You dont just forget and move on. Life moves on but a piece of your heart is lost in the world.
Everyone around me is getting pregnant and announcing their pregnancys. Im SO thrilled for them. I honestly am, but a little piece of me is sad. That should be me up there. I dont get all the congrats and praise. I dont get to have that natural high. - annnnn end pity party - NOW.
All I can do now is offer them love and pray for their health and their babies to be born beautiful and healthy!
Ive been keeping busy. Ive just about finished Haleighs box. Now Im sewing a cute 'sweet dreams' butterfly picture to put in it. I havent picked up a needle and thread in years! It feels good!
I miss you baby. There is a empty void where you once grew. Just a big empty void filled with sadness.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
A dear friend of mine sent me this yesterday and it touched my heart deeply... Thank you Callie. Thank you so much!
I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to fill your womb,
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
~Author Unknown
I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to fill your womb,
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
~Author Unknown
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
My angels box
Its still a work in progress and I need to take a photo of the right side of the box and the inside but you get an idea. :) You can click the photos to enlarge them!
Project
I started a new project yesterday. Im making a shadow box for Haleigh. I cant keep her sonogram photos in my jewelry box. She doesnt belong there. I also have to have a place to put the little things me and the kids bought for her before she got her wings.
Its coming along perfect! Im very happy with how it looks. Now Im just searching for a quote to paint onto the top of it and I have some more painting to do.
Its helping me keep my mind off the loss and helping me to focus on the beauty of who my child and what I held even for a short time.
I will admit today isnt one of my healing days. Ive cried. A lot. Its not that Im dwelling, its that I still hurt in my heart. Its still so fresh and I hate how 1 week ago today I was sitting in an office praying there was hope and then having it all taken away.
Its just part of the process. Ill be okay. My baby is watching over us all and making sure that we are okay.
Its coming along perfect! Im very happy with how it looks. Now Im just searching for a quote to paint onto the top of it and I have some more painting to do.
Its helping me keep my mind off the loss and helping me to focus on the beauty of who my child and what I held even for a short time.
I will admit today isnt one of my healing days. Ive cried. A lot. Its not that Im dwelling, its that I still hurt in my heart. Its still so fresh and I hate how 1 week ago today I was sitting in an office praying there was hope and then having it all taken away.
Its just part of the process. Ill be okay. My baby is watching over us all and making sure that we are okay.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
He never cancelled!!!!
I found out last night that Cliff never cancelled his vasectomy appointment. I thought he did last week. How could he even think about doing it anymore? I'm so mad and hurt.
This is something that we never talked about as a couple. How many kids we want to have. I want 4. He was done at 2. With 4 kids and us, we would have the perfect number. 6. The number of perfection(some say its 7 but its in dispute).
Just the thought of not being able to procreate ever again brings sadness to my heart. God created a woman and a man "And God blessed them, and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth." Genesis 1:29
Can you imagine. Such a great gift and here we are altering the temple. Cutting away the chance of creating life.
How sad.
How very very sad :(
This is something that we never talked about as a couple. How many kids we want to have. I want 4. He was done at 2. With 4 kids and us, we would have the perfect number. 6. The number of perfection(some say its 7 but its in dispute).
Just the thought of not being able to procreate ever again brings sadness to my heart. God created a woman and a man "And God blessed them, and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth." Genesis 1:29
Can you imagine. Such a great gift and here we are altering the temple. Cutting away the chance of creating life.
How sad.
How very very sad :(
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