You can stop now. You can stop with the fake flutters in my gut. I know its normal. I know others can relate but I dont want to do this anymore. I dont want to have to 'think' Im feeling something when I know Im not. Do you realize how much more it just pushes this dagger into my heart? Do you know how it makes me yern for those first kicks I should be feeling right now from my baby who Ill never be able to feel, see, hold, smell or kiss?? Its is pure torture.
I cry a lot still. Mostly during the days when no one is around and Justin is asleep. Its still so raw to me. 2 months is a drop in the bucket for this kind of thing. Im making progress though. I can look forward to the birth of my friends babies and not be sad. My friend Jennifer is due in March and has asked me to do maturnity and newborn photos for her. And if things work out the way we would like, I can even do her 'L&D' photos!
I will be honest, it will be bitter sweet. My due date would of been so close to hers. My due date was April 23rd. Which is also a few days prior to the anniversary death of Rob who passed on April 26th. A death which Im still not at peace with. A death where I didnt get to say goodbye again. I think those ones are the hardest. You never get that last goodbye. With Haleigh, I didnt get to see her and say my goodbye the way I wanted. She slowly slipped away from me.
Its so sad.
But Ill be okay. Every day that I wake up is another day that I heal and I know Ill be okay.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Unanswered Prayers
I was looking back on the day I found out that we lost the baby. I remember praying to God that everything would be okay with the baby. I begged him to let her be okay. When we found out that she wasnt, I was disappointed, hurt, sad and angry.
I came to the realization the other day that even though I didnt know it at the time, my prayers were in fact answered. Maybe not in the way I would of liked them to of been answered, but they were.
My baby is okay. She is safe and she is very much alive. She is okay in spirit. She is safe in Gods arms and she is alive in our hearts and memories.
Thank you God for opening my eyes. Thank you for being a wonderful father not only to me but to my children as well.
I came to the realization the other day that even though I didnt know it at the time, my prayers were in fact answered. Maybe not in the way I would of liked them to of been answered, but they were.
My baby is okay. She is safe and she is very much alive. She is okay in spirit. She is safe in Gods arms and she is alive in our hearts and memories.
Thank you God for opening my eyes. Thank you for being a wonderful father not only to me but to my children as well.
Monday, November 1, 2010
"How many children do you have?"
The question of how many children we have came up in my support group the other day. There is always a pause after being asked that when you have lost a baby or a child.
My answer: 4. 3 living, 1 in heaven.
It never really dawned on me how that question would affect me later in life. Its only natural for people to ask.
I actually came across this question on a family history survey when I took Justin in for his doctors appointment the other day at a new office here. The question was "Have you had any children pass away?" or something along those lines. I had to stop and think about this. Do I put 'yes'? Do I recognize my little angel as a person who has passed away or do I keep her under wraps like she never existed? I started to feel the tears welling up again. Its such an easy question for so many parents to answer but for those of us who have lost a baby or a child, its like a dagger to the heart. Your heart starts racing and you get a knot in your throat as you struggle to answer it for the first time. I put my pen down and began to write. "1 miscarriage - Female - 8 weeks gest. - 9/08/2010". My little girl will always be a person to me regardless of how pregnant I was or wasn't to some people. She was a person living inside me. She passed away just like any other living person. Her heart stopped. Her life ended.
Ill never let anyone take away the importance of her life and what it meant to me and our family. Never.
My answer: 4. 3 living, 1 in heaven.
It never really dawned on me how that question would affect me later in life. Its only natural for people to ask.
I actually came across this question on a family history survey when I took Justin in for his doctors appointment the other day at a new office here. The question was "Have you had any children pass away?" or something along those lines. I had to stop and think about this. Do I put 'yes'? Do I recognize my little angel as a person who has passed away or do I keep her under wraps like she never existed? I started to feel the tears welling up again. Its such an easy question for so many parents to answer but for those of us who have lost a baby or a child, its like a dagger to the heart. Your heart starts racing and you get a knot in your throat as you struggle to answer it for the first time. I put my pen down and began to write. "1 miscarriage - Female - 8 weeks gest. - 9/08/2010". My little girl will always be a person to me regardless of how pregnant I was or wasn't to some people. She was a person living inside me. She passed away just like any other living person. Her heart stopped. Her life ended.
Ill never let anyone take away the importance of her life and what it meant to me and our family. Never.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Stillbirth, Miscarriage, and Infant Death
(some information I found on the Web to share with you all)
A baby’s death, whenever or however it occurs, is a profound loss. Unfortunately, society in general and friends and relatives in particular often do not acknowledge that this wished-for child, regardless of gestational age, was a unique individual and an important part of your future. Others may find it difficult to imagine deep grief over a child you as parents may have seen or held only briefly, if at all. To the contrary, the fact that your baby was carried in the womb or held in your arms for such a short while, and thus known by so few people, may add to the pain of losing the child and make grief even more isolating.
Memories, so important for the bereaved, allow a still painful, yet more gradual, good-bye. When a child dies before or shortly after birth, there may be precious few memories and little physical evidence that he or she ever really existed. Many parents create memories by keeping a baby book or a special box containing hospital records, certificates, sympathy cards, pictures, and clothing or blankets. Your baby was and will always be a part of you. Choosing a name, as well as having a funeral or memorial service, can help affirm your baby’s life, however brief, and your love for your baby as parents.
Symptoms of Grief:
When a baby dies, normal symptoms of grief are varied. Parental reactions and intensity of feelings may differ. Typical reactions include the following:
–Crying, loneliness, a feeling of isolation
–A need to talk about the death and the details of what happened
–Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, depression
–Anger, guilt, blame
–Loss of appetite, overeating, sleeplessness, irritability
–Inability to concentrate, comprehend, or remember
–Loss of goals and aims in life, a sense of despair about the future
–Aching arms and frequent sighing
Grief can last far longer than you or others may expect and has many ups and downs. The first year can be especially difficult when parents torment themselves with painful questions and statements such as the following:
–Why did this happen to my baby, my child?
–Why did this happen to our family?
–Why didn’t I know something was wrong?
–Why didn’t I go to the doctor sooner?
–It’s all my fault!
–If only . . .
There may be no adequate responses or satisfying answers to these statements and questions. Be aware that anger and guilt are common reactions and usually accompany grief. Try to share and express these feeling as a way to release them.
The Impact of Grief on Marriage:
The reaction to the death of a baby is as individual as the person experiencing it. Spouses or partners often grieve in different ways, frequently misunderstanding each other’s reactions or needs. You may be reluctant to express feelings of sadness when your partner has had a “good day” or vice versa. Some partners may not want to talk about the death, yet still feel comfortable when the other needs to do so.
Though many parents feel they must be “strong” for others in the family by not crying, doing so stops a natural reaction. Tears are a tribute to the child who has died and a healthy release.
Grieving is emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting and leaves little energy for anything else, including communication between spouses. While a shared grief brings many couples closer together, care must be taken to preserve relationships. Understand that the bonding between each parent and the baby may be at different levels, causing grief of different intensities. Share your feelings while keeping in mind that outward expressions of grief may indicate only a portion of what a person is feeling inside.
Husbands and wives may react differently to intimacy as well. While one partner may need and seek this closeness and the assurance that not everything has changed, the other partner may take the suggestion of intimacy as an affront, not understanding how anyone could think of intimacy when a baby has died. Recognize that these reactions are normal. With time and patience, most couples reestablish intimacy when both feel ready.
It is important for couples to understand that there are no simple solutions to these problems, no timetable or recipe for recovery. Every effort should be made to share what you are feeling. Your relationship may be uncomfortable for a while as you cope with these intense feelings and emotions.
Coping with Family and Friends:
Friends, relatives, and coworkers may be uncomfortable around you. They may not understand the intensity of your grief or may feel helpless to console and comfort you. Consequently, many offer clichés or platitudes as a source of comfort. You may hear some of the following statements:
–You will have more children.
–You were lucky; it was early in your pregnancy.
–You’re still young enough to have more children.
–You’re fortunate because you didn’t bring the baby home from the hospital.
Statements like these hurt, but there is little you can say to such well-intentioned people. Since they have not had your experience, it will be difficult for them to understand the length and depth of your grief and sadness. Another way family and friends may offer comfort is to suggest you have another baby. Let your family and friends know how important this baby was to you and ask them to be supportive by listening.
Subsequent Pregnancy:
The decision of whether to have another baby belongs to you and your partner. There is no “appropriate” waiting period.
No matter what decision you make regarding a subsequent pregnancy or adoption, it will probably not change the length of your grief for your baby who has died. When planning another pregnancy, be aware that aside from the physical stress, subsequent pregnancies can often be difficult emotionally.
Surviving Siblings :
Young siblings grieve, too, and can be passed over for support as being “too young to understand.” Encourage your surviving children to talk about their baby brother or sister. Your children may find it helpful to share their feelings with others of their age who have experienced the death of a sibling. Reading material can be helpful.
Questions About Religious Faith:
Your baby’s death may cause you to challenge or question your faith or philosophy of life. For a time you may feel that life is unfair and meaningless, and that you have nothing to live for. Some of your anger may be directed at God and, you may need time to reexamine your religious beliefs.
These feelings may be frightening, but it is important to allow yourself the freedom to raise these questions without feelings of guilt. A sense of purpose and control will return to your life, but this is a gradual process and there is no time limit. For many, however, faith provides support and often helps parents to accept the unacceptable.
Substance Abuse:
It may be tempting to dull the pain of grief by using alcohol and/or (prescription) drugs, but this may only delay and therefore prolong the normal grief process. You cannot escape the pain of grief and disappointment until you have faced the intensity of these feelings head-on.
Share Your Grief:
Although nothing can take away the pain you feel right now, it may be helpful to know what others have experienced as they’ve struggled to deal with the intense grief that follows the death of a child. Sharing with other bereaved parents, in an atmosphere of acceptance and understanding, can ease the loneliness and isolation of grief. Those who have “been there” can truly understand and accept your grief. These parents can help you to understand that the most painful aspects of bereavement will soften over time and that you are not alone in your grief.
A baby’s death, whenever or however it occurs, is a profound loss. Unfortunately, society in general and friends and relatives in particular often do not acknowledge that this wished-for child, regardless of gestational age, was a unique individual and an important part of your future. Others may find it difficult to imagine deep grief over a child you as parents may have seen or held only briefly, if at all. To the contrary, the fact that your baby was carried in the womb or held in your arms for such a short while, and thus known by so few people, may add to the pain of losing the child and make grief even more isolating.
Memories, so important for the bereaved, allow a still painful, yet more gradual, good-bye. When a child dies before or shortly after birth, there may be precious few memories and little physical evidence that he or she ever really existed. Many parents create memories by keeping a baby book or a special box containing hospital records, certificates, sympathy cards, pictures, and clothing or blankets. Your baby was and will always be a part of you. Choosing a name, as well as having a funeral or memorial service, can help affirm your baby’s life, however brief, and your love for your baby as parents.
Symptoms of Grief:
When a baby dies, normal symptoms of grief are varied. Parental reactions and intensity of feelings may differ. Typical reactions include the following:
–Crying, loneliness, a feeling of isolation
–A need to talk about the death and the details of what happened
–Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, depression
–Anger, guilt, blame
–Loss of appetite, overeating, sleeplessness, irritability
–Inability to concentrate, comprehend, or remember
–Loss of goals and aims in life, a sense of despair about the future
–Aching arms and frequent sighing
Grief can last far longer than you or others may expect and has many ups and downs. The first year can be especially difficult when parents torment themselves with painful questions and statements such as the following:
–Why did this happen to my baby, my child?
–Why did this happen to our family?
–Why didn’t I know something was wrong?
–Why didn’t I go to the doctor sooner?
–It’s all my fault!
–If only . . .
There may be no adequate responses or satisfying answers to these statements and questions. Be aware that anger and guilt are common reactions and usually accompany grief. Try to share and express these feeling as a way to release them.
The Impact of Grief on Marriage:
The reaction to the death of a baby is as individual as the person experiencing it. Spouses or partners often grieve in different ways, frequently misunderstanding each other’s reactions or needs. You may be reluctant to express feelings of sadness when your partner has had a “good day” or vice versa. Some partners may not want to talk about the death, yet still feel comfortable when the other needs to do so.
Though many parents feel they must be “strong” for others in the family by not crying, doing so stops a natural reaction. Tears are a tribute to the child who has died and a healthy release.
Grieving is emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting and leaves little energy for anything else, including communication between spouses. While a shared grief brings many couples closer together, care must be taken to preserve relationships. Understand that the bonding between each parent and the baby may be at different levels, causing grief of different intensities. Share your feelings while keeping in mind that outward expressions of grief may indicate only a portion of what a person is feeling inside.
Husbands and wives may react differently to intimacy as well. While one partner may need and seek this closeness and the assurance that not everything has changed, the other partner may take the suggestion of intimacy as an affront, not understanding how anyone could think of intimacy when a baby has died. Recognize that these reactions are normal. With time and patience, most couples reestablish intimacy when both feel ready.
It is important for couples to understand that there are no simple solutions to these problems, no timetable or recipe for recovery. Every effort should be made to share what you are feeling. Your relationship may be uncomfortable for a while as you cope with these intense feelings and emotions.
Coping with Family and Friends:
Friends, relatives, and coworkers may be uncomfortable around you. They may not understand the intensity of your grief or may feel helpless to console and comfort you. Consequently, many offer clichés or platitudes as a source of comfort. You may hear some of the following statements:
–You will have more children.
–You were lucky; it was early in your pregnancy.
–You’re still young enough to have more children.
–You’re fortunate because you didn’t bring the baby home from the hospital.
Statements like these hurt, but there is little you can say to such well-intentioned people. Since they have not had your experience, it will be difficult for them to understand the length and depth of your grief and sadness. Another way family and friends may offer comfort is to suggest you have another baby. Let your family and friends know how important this baby was to you and ask them to be supportive by listening.
Subsequent Pregnancy:
The decision of whether to have another baby belongs to you and your partner. There is no “appropriate” waiting period.
No matter what decision you make regarding a subsequent pregnancy or adoption, it will probably not change the length of your grief for your baby who has died. When planning another pregnancy, be aware that aside from the physical stress, subsequent pregnancies can often be difficult emotionally.
Surviving Siblings :
Young siblings grieve, too, and can be passed over for support as being “too young to understand.” Encourage your surviving children to talk about their baby brother or sister. Your children may find it helpful to share their feelings with others of their age who have experienced the death of a sibling. Reading material can be helpful.
Questions About Religious Faith:
Your baby’s death may cause you to challenge or question your faith or philosophy of life. For a time you may feel that life is unfair and meaningless, and that you have nothing to live for. Some of your anger may be directed at God and, you may need time to reexamine your religious beliefs.
These feelings may be frightening, but it is important to allow yourself the freedom to raise these questions without feelings of guilt. A sense of purpose and control will return to your life, but this is a gradual process and there is no time limit. For many, however, faith provides support and often helps parents to accept the unacceptable.
Substance Abuse:
It may be tempting to dull the pain of grief by using alcohol and/or (prescription) drugs, but this may only delay and therefore prolong the normal grief process. You cannot escape the pain of grief and disappointment until you have faced the intensity of these feelings head-on.
Share Your Grief:
Although nothing can take away the pain you feel right now, it may be helpful to know what others have experienced as they’ve struggled to deal with the intense grief that follows the death of a child. Sharing with other bereaved parents, in an atmosphere of acceptance and understanding, can ease the loneliness and isolation of grief. Those who have “been there” can truly understand and accept your grief. These parents can help you to understand that the most painful aspects of bereavement will soften over time and that you are not alone in your grief.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Some "friend"...
I know you will read this and I want to tell you since you didnt give me a chance to even respond to your incredibly rude and unwarranted email I will say it here for the whole world to read.
You are a mean and unchristian woman. You speak of scriptures and respecting people and loving others and do the complete opposit. You are a total bitch and Im so glad you are out of my life because YOU were making matter worse by your unkind and inconsiderate words. You do not think before you speak!!! Do not sit there and tell me you are my friend and defend everything you said on facebook as you being a "friend" and then email me with whats below. You are a walking contradiction. You are a coward. You are a hypocrite. You know you were in the wrong for being so rude and inconsiderate. If your friends saw the shit you posted, Im pretty sure they would agree. All I wanted was an apology. Others said they were sorry when I called them out in private but you took things public so thats where it stayed. You are so dense that you missed the whole point of what others were telling you. Shut up and listen for once!
I tried to be nice and tell you I just needed a break. Not because I didnt want to be your friend but because I needed to take a time out to look at things from a different point of view. I was honest and you didnt like it. You can say all the mean and nasty stuff that you want. It just shows how insincere you were about our "friendship". And throwing in my "contradictions" shows me that you obviously are immature and dont know how to keep your mouth shut and jump to conclusions. I NEVER lied to you about seeking help. Ive been in contact with 2 grief groups that meet twice a month in Prince William. I missed Septembers meetings. So you can shove that one.
You call me a shark. Takes one to know one. I had NEVER done or said anything to you to make you hurt. You prey on people who are vulnerable and then when they cross you, or tell you what you dont want to hear, you attack. You are very unfair by trying to get the last word in like you did and blocking me. Im so angry at you and will not forgive you for the hurt you have caused me and for attacking me.
I hope you learn from this and change the way you approach sensitive subjects with other people you know and befriend in the future. And, I hope you grow up and take your own advice that you dish out to others. If it was you in my shoes and you had lost a baby, I would offer a shoulder and not lectures like you have done to me. You are not better then me and you never will be. God sees you and sees what you have done. Seek him out and his forgiveness. Ill pray for you. YOU need to seek help with the way you behave. You need it more then I do. You have no tact and no common sense.
You are not and NEVER will be a friend of mine. Good riddance!!
_________________________________________________________________________________
" Raquel-Marie Newton September 30 at 5:07pm I think its best if we take a time out for a while. I wish you the very best and will contact you in the future when I have gotten past the worse of it all. I just dont think you see where everyone is coming from and even if you did mean well, you need to think before you speak when it is something this complicated. Youve been through it yourself as you say and I dont know why you would be so hard on someone who is going through the same thing and having the issues so fresh and still raw... you need to look back and remember the hurt and your feelings and how you would or did react to people saying the same things you have. Youre a good person but I need to draw a line. This isnt the first time youve said something that I took to offense and obviously didnt read my blog comment response because if you did you wouldnt be saying what you are. All the very best to you and your family."
"Valeta Gregg Kelley September 30 at 5:16pm Report Yes, i agree, I'm deleting you and blocking you, and please don't contact me in the future. You need help, your psychotic rants are simply a cause for attention. You've in the past lied about things like getting help and then making me look bad for suggesting it. My mother has said to swim with dolphins not sharks and you're definately a big jawed shark. I can see why others have deleted you. You read what you want to read, you contradict yourself..ie saying your husband is a over protective cheating man and then the next breath writing notes about what a great man he is. Seriously..I have the emails to prove them. What you have said to me, does not match up with others. You need to grow up for the sake of your family."
You are a mean and unchristian woman. You speak of scriptures and respecting people and loving others and do the complete opposit. You are a total bitch and Im so glad you are out of my life because YOU were making matter worse by your unkind and inconsiderate words. You do not think before you speak!!! Do not sit there and tell me you are my friend and defend everything you said on facebook as you being a "friend" and then email me with whats below. You are a walking contradiction. You are a coward. You are a hypocrite. You know you were in the wrong for being so rude and inconsiderate. If your friends saw the shit you posted, Im pretty sure they would agree. All I wanted was an apology. Others said they were sorry when I called them out in private but you took things public so thats where it stayed. You are so dense that you missed the whole point of what others were telling you. Shut up and listen for once!
I tried to be nice and tell you I just needed a break. Not because I didnt want to be your friend but because I needed to take a time out to look at things from a different point of view. I was honest and you didnt like it. You can say all the mean and nasty stuff that you want. It just shows how insincere you were about our "friendship". And throwing in my "contradictions" shows me that you obviously are immature and dont know how to keep your mouth shut and jump to conclusions. I NEVER lied to you about seeking help. Ive been in contact with 2 grief groups that meet twice a month in Prince William. I missed Septembers meetings. So you can shove that one.
You call me a shark. Takes one to know one. I had NEVER done or said anything to you to make you hurt. You prey on people who are vulnerable and then when they cross you, or tell you what you dont want to hear, you attack. You are very unfair by trying to get the last word in like you did and blocking me. Im so angry at you and will not forgive you for the hurt you have caused me and for attacking me.
I hope you learn from this and change the way you approach sensitive subjects with other people you know and befriend in the future. And, I hope you grow up and take your own advice that you dish out to others. If it was you in my shoes and you had lost a baby, I would offer a shoulder and not lectures like you have done to me. You are not better then me and you never will be. God sees you and sees what you have done. Seek him out and his forgiveness. Ill pray for you. YOU need to seek help with the way you behave. You need it more then I do. You have no tact and no common sense.
You are not and NEVER will be a friend of mine. Good riddance!!
_________________________________________________________________________________
" Raquel-Marie Newton September 30 at 5:07pm I think its best if we take a time out for a while. I wish you the very best and will contact you in the future when I have gotten past the worse of it all. I just dont think you see where everyone is coming from and even if you did mean well, you need to think before you speak when it is something this complicated. Youve been through it yourself as you say and I dont know why you would be so hard on someone who is going through the same thing and having the issues so fresh and still raw... you need to look back and remember the hurt and your feelings and how you would or did react to people saying the same things you have. Youre a good person but I need to draw a line. This isnt the first time youve said something that I took to offense and obviously didnt read my blog comment response because if you did you wouldnt be saying what you are. All the very best to you and your family."
"Valeta Gregg Kelley September 30 at 5:16pm Report Yes, i agree, I'm deleting you and blocking you, and please don't contact me in the future. You need help, your psychotic rants are simply a cause for attention. You've in the past lied about things like getting help and then making me look bad for suggesting it. My mother has said to swim with dolphins not sharks and you're definately a big jawed shark. I can see why others have deleted you. You read what you want to read, you contradict yourself..ie saying your husband is a over protective cheating man and then the next breath writing notes about what a great man he is. Seriously..I have the emails to prove them. What you have said to me, does not match up with others. You need to grow up for the sake of your family."
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Cute!
I got this idea from Alyssa, who got it from http://leighashley.blogspot.com/...
{one} what is your biggest pet peeve?
People who are two faced.
{two} what is your favorite dessert?
Nothing beats apple pie with ice cream!
{three} what is the first thing you notice about people?
I have no clue. My boobs?
{four} are you usually late, early or right on time?
Its a tie between right on time and late.
{five} have you ever fired a gun?
I own one and have fired it on many occassions.
{six} are you right-handed or left-handed?
Right.
{seven} which do you prefer: coke or pepsi?
Neither. Im a tea drinker.
{eight} do you dance crazy when no one is looking?
I dance crazy anytime in front of anyone.
{nine} what’s your favorite movie snack?
Whoppers.
{ten} do you scream on roller coasters?
Yes. Out of pure joy!
okay, now you go!
{one} what is your biggest pet peeve?
People who are two faced.
{two} what is your favorite dessert?
Nothing beats apple pie with ice cream!
{three} what is the first thing you notice about people?
I have no clue. My boobs?
{four} are you usually late, early or right on time?
Its a tie between right on time and late.
{five} have you ever fired a gun?
I own one and have fired it on many occassions.
{six} are you right-handed or left-handed?
Right.
{seven} which do you prefer: coke or pepsi?
Neither. Im a tea drinker.
{eight} do you dance crazy when no one is looking?
I dance crazy anytime in front of anyone.
{nine} what’s your favorite movie snack?
Whoppers.
{ten} do you scream on roller coasters?
Yes. Out of pure joy!
okay, now you go!
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