A BIG decision...

I was doing a lot of thinking over the weekend and after talking to 2 of my good friends about kids, I came to realize somethings about well, me. Most of it had to do with what I want to get out of myself in the future. Career. Schooling. Free time. The subject of more kids came to question. I thought about it. For as much as I want another baby, is it really what I NEED?

Do I need another baby? The answer I came up with, No. I don't.

Do I want another baby? Yes. I would LOVE another baby!

Do I need another mouth to feed? Another body to clothe? More diapers to change? Another Crib? MORE responsibility? No. I don't. We could not comfortably afford another baby and be able to give my 3 already existing children what we would like to give them. It would be a tight fit in this 3 bedroom house. 3 kids is a huge responsibility already. One Im SO blessed with but at times I can be overwhelmed. Its not easy.

This weekend gave me a glimpse of what I could be enjoying more often. I had a GREAT weekend with just ME. I left my kids at home with their dad and took off to DC for the night. Something I wouldnt be able to do for a long time if another baby came into the picture.

I wouldnt be able to focus on my schooling or my career. I mean, I cant bring a newborn on photo shoots! Imagine pushing around a stroller trying to be professional. Not ganna happen.

I probably sound a bit selfish. In a way I am. Ive devoted 24 years of helping others(started back when I was 6 and I had to be in charge of my brothers and sisters). Ive always placed my best foot forward so that others can be happy. But what about ME? When am I going to place my best foot forward for myself?

I think I shall start today. Well technically I started this weekend lol I did everything this weekend for ME. Not for the kids. Not for Cliff. I had MY fun. In MY way. The way I like it.

So the conclusion of this all....

A new baby would be a great addition to my life. But right now, a new baby is not something I NEED in my life. So all my TTC worries are now over for the time being.

Its time I redirect my energy on bettering myself so that I can be the best for my kids and if there comes a time where Im ready to bring a new baby into the picture, Id want to be the best I could be for him/her.

PASS!

So, last night was a nice night. Me and hubs baby danced. But this time around I asked him to use protection. He was puzzled. Poor guy. He was like "you don't want to get pregnant????" to which I responded "not right now." Bless his heart. Just the way he said it.

I need to wait another month or two. I'm sure he understands. Until then, no more having to worry about opks and BFP/BFN and stressing that 2 weeks before you can test.

TTC isnt easy man! Time to take a break and just enjoy some good old sex LOL

Happy Angel-versary Nani

Yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of my cousin Henrys death. A VERY emotional day for me.

Henry was one of my best friends growing up. As cousins, we did EVERYTHING together. Even went to the same school, spent every summer with at our Aunts house and I so admired him for everything he ever did in his short life.

He was on loan to us. God had plans for him to make a difference in peoples lives and when he fulfilled that task, God called him back home. He was given 5 years to live after his heart transplant and God let us have him for 9. 4 more years then what the doctors predicted.

I miss him so much. I'm at peace with the idea he is up in heaven taking care of my little ones with my other relatives.

Love you guys so much! Cant wait to see you again in heaven!

TTC month 1: December 2010

So December is a flop. I got my period last week. Tested one last time because I was a week late and within a few minutes of me peeing in a cup and testing, I started spotting. Relief and disappointment. Blah.

Oh well. We will try again in February.

Until then, who needs baby dust? :) I have some to spare for January. 

Frustrated

I have had 3 babies totally unplanned. All "oopsie" babies. Haleigh was an "oopsie" baby as well. Now, when we actually want a baby, it doesn't happen. Ive taken 5 tests in the last two weeks. All came back neg.

I know my body needs time to bounce back from the miscarriage. My uterus needs time to repair and rebuild. But its so hard to play the waiting game.


I just want to see a + or double line one of these days. Im thinking we will play it safe till February or March. Just so I know my body has had enough time to do what it has to do.

Love you Haleigh! Thank you for watching over us and talking some sense into my head. Im a very impatient woman as Im sure God has told you. I just need to slow down. Mommy thinks of you every day!

TTC - Hope after loss

There is something about finding hope after the loss of a pregnancy that brightens even the darkest hour.
We made a silent approval last night between one another that I think we both feel good about. With a simple look in one anothers eyes and an "I love you", we decided to put aside the prevention methods and go with the flow. What ever happens happens. Its not an easy thing to do right now. There is so much fear and 'what ifs' lingering over our heads. Its not going to be an easy road ahead. But for now, Im allowing myself to live again and find hope in a new creation.

BFP! Dont mind if I do!!!
I still miss Haleigh. Im not trying to replace her. She is irreplaceable. Im simply trying to move forward.
I love you baby girl! Thank you for all that you have taught me over the last 2 month 3 weeks and 6 days. The pain still lingers but the hope and faith is returning.