Angel Baby - 1 year later

I've been sitting here looking at this screen. The blinking cursor. My mind is blank. You would think that I would have a ton of things to say today.

I don't. My words elude me for some reason. Ill just type and see where it takes me I guess.

I am just wrapped up in a deep sorrow that many know but rarely speak about. Its been a taboo subject for so long. Something people tell a woman she should keep to herself. Why? Why should we have to mourn in private when all the world gets to mourn in the open when someone they loved has passed away? Why is the loss of a pregnancy at any age so hush hush? It makes women feel ashamed of their pain so this needs to stop. TODAY!

Miscarriage. what does it mean? What does it feel like as the days, weeks and months wear on and the pain of what happened becomes less intense? What is the healing process like? Where am I now a year later?

A miscarriage is the loss of a pregnancy before 20 weeks gestation.
A miscarriage is also the loss of a child.
A miscarriage is being robbed of something so precious. So innocent.
A miscarriage is being cheated out of a future.
A miscarriage is being cheated out of a child.
A miscarriage is being cheated out of dreams. Dreams for your growing family. Dreams for your lost child.
A miscarriage is being cheated out of a sibling(for those of us who have older kids).
A miscarriage is labor.
A miscarriage is pain.
A miscarriage is death.

As many of you know, I lost our little one at 7 weeks 5 days gestation, 1 year ago today. We found out we were pregnant 2 weeks prior and we were so excited after the initial shock of another baby coming into our lives wore off. I already had a love for this baby that only a new mother could have. We told the kids. Told our friends and told our family. Excitement all around!

I still was a bit apprehensive. There is always a lingering thought in the back of a woman's head. "What if..." What if the pregnancy doesn't progress past the 1st trimester? What if something goes wrong? You try so hard to push those thoughts out of your head and just pray and live each day as it passes. Thanking God for another day with your little one growing safely inside you.

Then it happens. For me, I started spotting on a Thursday. Then I started bleeding on a Tuesday morning. Then the ultrasound that confirmed our greatest fear. And the words "I'm so sorry" that come from the doctors mouth. I do not think I have ever experienced a heartbreak in my life that can compare to the one I experienced that morning. A part of me was lost. Forever.

"I do not know why you're so upset. You weren't even that far along!" "Why are you taking it so hard?" - Those are the words people said to me after I announced to my close friends what had happened that morning and began my grieving process in the days that followed.

A little background about me and why it is so upsetting when someone loses a child early on in a pregnancy. I am Pro-life. Like hardcore Pro-life. I believe that once an egg and sperm meet, that is it. A child has been created. A new human is being put together once cell at a time. There is no embryo or fetus to me. It's a baby. I value the lives of all living things. Especially a newly made child. Each one of my children was created in love. Each one is loved from the first moment I knew about them being inside me. That is why I take it hard when someone, especially me loses a child to miscarriage.

So why was I taking it so hard? I wanted my baby and my baby was not there anymore. Me and my husband wanted our baby but our baby was not there anymore. My children wanted their sibling but their sibling was not there anymore. We lost someone very important to our family.

I was not that far along. But that does not lessen the value of that little baby's life to me or my family.

That is like telling an artist who has started creating a masterpiece that "it was not that far along" after something has destroyed it. There was work put into creating it. Hard work. Hours of work. Do not cheapen another persons masterpiece simply because of how incomplete it was.


In fact, those words that were told to me, should have never been spoken. EVER. You do not know how badly they cut into an already bleeding heart. And you will never know what a jerk you look like after saying that to someone who has lost a child. If you do not know what to say, just a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" will do.

The last year has been full of ups and downs. With Haleigh's passing, we learned that we cant take anything for granted. We learned that each one of us is on loan and can be called up at any point in time. I learned that with every day comes a new beginning. A new chance at working past the pain I feel and turning it into something positive.

I wont lie. There are days I jump in the shower and just cry. You never get past the sadness or the hurt of your little one not being in your arms. You just learn to make it work on your schedule. You gain a small portion of control over it. But sometimes, it can get the upper hand and those times are the times you need a little nudge. I thank God for my family and friends who have helped me through those dark days.

My kids and husband have helped me through the worst of it all. And earlier this year we were blessed to find out that we are expecting our rainbow baby early December.

Angel baby brought Rainbow baby to us. Had Angel baby waited to pass on a week later, her dad would of been fixed. There would be no rainbow after the storm. Just empty, grey clouds.

Baby L and Haleigh already conspired together long before we knew about baby L lol That's my girls!

I know this seems like a novel. It probably is in some ways. But I don't want Haleigh to ever be forgotten. She is a very important piece in my life that I'm halfway missing and is halfway always there.

Those of you going through a miscarriage or that have gone through one recently, there is a silver lining. You just have to give it time. Do not rush your grief process and do not let anyone tell you that you should be 'getting over it' or some insensitive rubbish like that.

You have every right to take as much time as you need. You have every right to be sad. You have every right to post, write and tell the world about your baby's story.

After all, your baby is just as important as the next baby who is waiting to be born, is being born or has been born.

***To my friends and family;

Thank you all. Your support over the last year has helped me through my healing process. I know it is an awkward subject but society did that. What a great injustice to grieving mothers and fathers worldwide. We need to break that chain and let the world know that parents of angel babies deserve to be recognized and their babies deserve to be mourned just like any other loss of human life.

Please take a moment to remember all the little ones taken from us too soon.

I love you all.

Its A.....

Oh my gosh! Its been forever in a day since I've updated! Sorry! Life gets a little crazy when you got kids home for the summer!

So first things first, Im currently 25 weeks and 5 days along now. August 4th we went in for our anatomy ultrasound. Baby looked great! Totally a wiggle worm! Made it hard to get anything done because of the way SHE was laying and squirming. Yup, that's right, I said SHE! Baby #4 is a GIRL! All of Jades prayers paid off! LOL Baby is due Dec 6th(even though I think she will be a week early) and we have a name picked out but will not be telling anyone until she is born. I want to also share with you a note I wrote on Facebook that day we found out... since some of you family members are out of the FB loop.

"Today has been a very exciting and emotional day. Not just for me. Seeing our sweet baby girl alive and well on that black and white screen today touched us all... After we got home today, I took the dog outside to do her thing. Robbie followed and said he was going to sit down over in butterfly garden. I said okay and to come in when he was ready. After about 5 minutes he came back in and I asked him what he was up to. He said nothing. That he was just talking to God and thanking him for sending us our baby girl that we have been waiting for. I truly believe that you should never 'dumb down' what your children understand about the 'adult world'. They were sent here to guide us in some of life's trials and have a better understanding of the world then we give them credit for when it comes to certain issues. The loss of our baby in September impacted each one of us differently, including my children. To hear my son speak such kind and humble words brings me to tears.

I love my children. Thank you God for giving me such amazing gifts. I honestly do not know where I would be with out them guiding me with their knowledge of compassion, honesty and love everyday."

So there is the note. Kids are utterly amazing!

So, we just got back from vacation in Virginia Beach tonight. It was fun. I needed the sunshine something bad! My pale self got nice and red with a hint on tan lol the kids all tanned beautifully, thanks to my awesome genetics lol Baby L was loving it. I didn't wear a one piece this year so she was getting plenty of baby bump sun time in.

That's pretty much it for now. Summers almost over and school starts again in 2 weeks. Im excited! Kids are too. This summer flew by though. We just can't wait till the holiday season gets rolling!

Life Update :)

Things are going absolutely fab here in the Newton household! Kids are having a blast on summer break,rainbow baby is kicking up a storm and im no longer puking my life away! Nausea is my constant enemy but I can deal. Cliff is about to take a new position for a new company and that means way better benefits and even better $$$$$!!! Im so proud of him and how far he has taken his career!! Finally my mans getting paid what he is worth! Good job, babe!!!!

We are coming up to our ultrasound date in the next few weeks. We can't wait to find out if this little person is a boy or a girl! Im itching to go shopping!

We also have our Jersey shore trip coming up. We kept having to push it back because of the whole job thing. Can't wait!

So yeah, that's it for now! Life is good, the beer is cold and people are crazy!

Whats new pussycat...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Let me get that out. Lets see if I can write some more before I doze off again. Excuse the typos and run on sentences. Excuse the lame jokes and blah blah blah.

This has been the most insane few weeks of this year. I hope the last few weeks have found everyone in good health and your lives have been full and rich with many blessings!!!

First an update on Justin. He is fine. Perfect little devil. Never heard back from his hematologist so I'm assuming the test she re-ran on him came back okay.

Robbie is great. Freaking out about his SOL testing, which I personally as a mother am PISSED about. Seriously. My 9 year old should not be stressing a stupid test but focusing on learning and enjoying school! I'm not the only one who thinks this way. Parents are opting their kids out of the SOL testing. Its an option many parents don't know they have. Now you do :) Thanks to me. Yay me!

Jade is doing great, also. Well except for school. I think she will be held back this year. And we are all okay with it. She has a major disadvantage going for her - her age. She is a year younger then most her classmates. This makes it hard for her to be on the same learning level as the rest of her grade. We asked her if she is okay with it and she said she was. She understands. Hopefully we get a teacher this next year that will put more into her achieving instead of focusing on holding her back.

Cliff is good. He has been SUPER DUPER busy. He has taken on another project for work on top of what he is already doing so he is pretty swept up in work. Talked about the possibility of moving to Florida for a project down there. I'm all for it! LETS MOVE! SEE YA COLD WEATHER!!!

The house is coming along. Sort of. He has been busting his ass to get the flower beds mulched and stuff planted. Butterfly garden wasn't done before Haleigh's due date this past Saturday but that's this weekends project. Its going to be perfect when its done. We have butterfly attracting flowers all picked out and waiting to be planted.

Well, now we get to me. We all know how much I hate talking about me. ;)

Back in March I started not feeling too good. I was tired and cranky and just feeling all together blah. That lead to questions which lead to a pee stick which lead to a big fat + (POSITIVE). It took us by surprise. We had agreed that we were done trying to have more kids. I was done after my chemical pregnancy/2nd loss in February. It was just too emotionally draining for me to even want to get pregnant again only to be let down.

Well, this was a blessing. Its taken some time to get use to because of the loss of the baby back in September. Its been a very trying time for us the last few weeks. Its been hard to invest in a pregnancy that can have a tragic end like the previous 2. Its unknown and its so very scary. We kept it on the hush for a while. We didn't want to get everyone all excited only to be bearer of bad news again if something was to go wrong. We finally told his mom last night. We felt it was safe with all the stuff thats been going on with my health.

Thats my next topic. If you have been or are pregnant and have never had to endure morning sickness, FEEL VERY, VERY BLESSED!!!!!!!!!!!! Every single one of my pregnancies(except with Haleigh, which was the first sign something was wrong) have lead to one thing: Hyperemesis gravidarum (<~ you can find info on it if you click here) and hospital stays. It starts for me around 6 weeks and I'm doomed from then till I give birth. I had my first OB appointment last Monday and I was feeling yucky but it was manageable. I was tired and slept most of my days away to keep the puking to a minimal. Its no fun being in bed 75% of the day. I was puking up stuff but was able to hold things down. We got to see our little rainbow baby on a super ancient ultrasound machine and I wept when I saw the little flicker of my sweet babies heartbeat on the screen. There was no denying that that little baby growing inside me was very much alive and a week younger then I had thought! So at 6 weeks and 6 days, my little rainbow baby had a strong and beautiful heartbeat!!!

SAY HI TO RAINBOW BABY!!!! Purple circle between the two X's is rainbow baby! Its a HORRIBLE first photo!!! But like I said, the machine was about as old as my grandma. I didn't care. I saw what I needed to see!!!

Seems that the loss in February threw my ovulation off so when I thought we were safe, we were playing with fire. And what I thought was my monthly in February was really me miscarrying again.

A day or so after we had our first appointment, hell broke loose. My throwing up became a constant thing. Nothing was staying down. I was stuck on my death bed for 3 days before Cliff said enough was enough. The doctors had put me on Zofran, Reglan and Promethazine (all which makes me VERY sleepy!!!). All at the same time. PILLS DO NOT WORK ON A WOMAN WHO CANT EVEN KEEP A TABLESPOON OF WATER DOWN!! So Monday, Cliff called the doctor for me and told them they need to do something. He took me to the ER where I broke down crying everytime I saw someone with a water bottle. Ive never wanted water so badly in all my life. Like I would literally force myself to drink water only to throw it up 2 seconds later but I needed to taste its coldness!!! I was desperate!!!! I stayed there and got re-juiced and some IV meds. I felt like a million bucks but I told the doctor I needed to be set up with a portable IV machine. She said she would talk to my OB/GYNs office and see what they say. She spoke to the doc on call and it was the doctor I HATE HATE HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!! This man never once came to see me and has NO clue of my past history with this. It was left to him to say I didnt need to be sent home with anything other then what I got. JERK!!! I sat there and looked the ER doc in the face and said I thought it was BS and that I would be back because they werent listening to me.

I didnt know at the time but Cliff was already at my OBs office working out details to have a home-care nurse come in and help me with a portable Zofran machine. Thank god for Cliff. This man took the day off to take care of everything for me including the kids who are off for spring break. So starting in the next day or so, Ill be hooked up to a little cell phone sized machine that pumps meds into my body for as long as I need it. I have to function so this is my last resort. Taking on Hyperemesis and 3 kids is no joke.

Ive lost 15lbs since last Monday. That's how serious this is. If mama isn't getting any nutrients, neither is baby. So I take this VERY serious. Its not the diet I had in mind when I said I wanted to lose weight a couple months ago!!

So there you have it.

Oh and just to let everyone know, I have a horrible attitude now. So if you piss me off enough be prepared to be disowned. You've been warned. I'm pregnant and hormonal which makes me very not nice but it only shows IF you make me angry. Or cry. Don't make me cry. You will not like me anymore.Oh and dont ask me if this is our last baby or tell me that I should know better then to get pregnant again because of how sick I get. I didnt ask for this. But I do love the little babies that come out of it all. And I would do it a billion times over if I could.

We're having a rainbow baby!!!! Sometime between Thanksgiving and December 6th!!!! EEK!!!

Loss - Grief - Healing - Hope

Im learning as time goes on, that grief from a pregnancy loss is like a cancer.

It shows up one day totally unexpected. Exposes weaknesses you never knew you had.

It redefines a person and their life. How they live every day. Do you get up and face the day and the pain of having to live while your baby has passed? Or do you remain in bed and let it all consume you? Do you try again? Do you fight it or do you give up?

At first, its a battle to live and see any positive outcome beyond the dark hole you find yourself in. Grief takes over. You mourn. You cry. You get angry. You ask questions that may never be answered. You search for people who can understand. You laugh. You at one point question your own sanity. And you ask why... Why me? Why my family? Why did this happen?

Grief goes into remission.

Months(or years) after fighting the initial battle of loss, grief subsides a little. The silver lining of the recovery process makes it way through the storm clouds. A little bit of sunshine peeking through. You can smile again. You're able to look at life in a whole new light. A healing light. And a rainbow of hope. Because for a while, you lost all hope. Its a beautiful feeling to gain it again.

But every now and again, that grief will creep up on you. It can come in the most benign forms. And sometimes it comes as a slap in your face.

Something as simple as a friends new baby can bring up that grief again. And it eats away at you. You want YOUR baby to be born, too. I know I do. I know I ache for those kicks and achy ribs, frequent bathroom trips and morning sickness.

Sometimes it could be as simple as a commercial or TV show with a baby in it. My husband use to change the channel when there were new babies that came on during TV programs. He saw how upset it made me and didnt like it. After I while I felt it was okay to leave the shows on and I told him to stop. It was a baby step for me.

It can be a sharp sting to your soul. The loss of a friends pregnancy can bring up all that hurt again. Knowing what they have ahead of them but at the same time knowing you hate that you now can relate to that pain. Its a pain we all share when we lose a baby. Be it at 4 weeks of at 40 weeks. Your baby died. Their baby died. Its the worse thing a couple/family and a woman has to go through. Unfulfilled dreams and unspent love.

Just as sudden(or over time) as grief came back into your life, its back in remission.

Baby steps of the healing process. In and out of grief. And its okay. Its perfectly normal. Dont let anyone lead you to believe otherwise.

Im learning to heal. And with that Ive learned to hope and have faith in God who has a plan for us all. It may not be the plan we want, but its the plan he knows we need.

We all need hope. And we all need to hang on to the faith.

As for grief; you learn to bare it and move through it as part of your life. Never forgetting that sweet little angel watching over you.

Im waiting for my rainbow. Because I know that my rainy skys are giving way to a silver lining and soon Ill feel the warmth of the sun rays.

Hugs to all my baby loss moms. Love and Light bless you all.

**Sigh**

Dear Family,

No, I'm not pregnant.

I was at one point this past month.

Seems that my embryo didn't like my uterus.

Oh well. Such is life.

You can stop talking about it now. Hope this cleared up any confusion.

~R