Open Letter to my Husband

My Dearest Husband,

First, I have to commend you on your faithful duty to me and our children. You've always been a man who has taken care of us in the most trying of times and in times of easy going. You work hard to keep a roof over our heads by commuting to work and spending long days in the office racking your brain over the technology that runs this great nations embassies worldwide and so on. You come home and spend weekends and some week days fixing the house and working hard in the yard to make our home beautiful. I love you for this. I never ask you for anything more than you can provide and I never will. You provide a sense of security for us and I love that about you. Thank you for being there for me. For being a good daddy for our babies.I appreciate all that you do to make our lives as fruitful as it is. And I appreciate all the hard work you put into everything. When you do something, you do it with 110% behind it.

Now that I got that out of the way, I want to explain to you why you got attitude from me when you asked me if I had gone to the store yet and I said no and that I hadn't had the time to get out of the house yet and you responded with your typical remark which sparked my bitch burner to heat up. And why when you ask me 'what did you do today?' I shut down and get mad.

A typical day for me starts around 430am when Lily wakes up for the 10th time in a night for a comfort feeding. We doze back off to sleep until your alarm goes off for work and you get up and ready for the day. Typically I am in and out of sleep during this time. Shortly after you leave Lily is up for the next few hours. Then around 730am the other kids start to awaken. Breakfast is made. Be it in a microwave or on the stove, I HAVE to get up and make sure no ones catching their pancakes on fire in the microwave and if someone wants bacon and eggs, I have to make it. So your theory on me just letting the kids run wild and free is debunked. By the time breakfast is over and the messes cleaned up(for the most part) its 9am.

Lily typically doesn't do naps anymore. She is either clung to me, on my boob or in her chair while I try and scramble to do what little I can do before she realizes 'hey! Moms not holding me!!' and starts to scream. You've witnessed this first hand. If she does go down, its for about 30 minutes and then she is up again looking for me. Sometimes I get a quick shower in, sometimes I don't.

By 11am I remember that I need to make a store run. I also need to make lunch for the kids.

After a quick lunch, I start to get the kids ready 1 by one. Find each one an outfit then socks then chase Justin around to get his shirt on, make sure the older two arent killing one another over whose DS game is being played by who, chase Justin around some more to get his shorts on then trying to find where each one of them kicked off their shoes. Usually there is a shoe on each floor of the house. I dont know how they manage that but there they are. Once shoes are put on I go to nurse Lily so she isnt hungry when we are out and I dont have to worry about a screaming baby in the store while trying to manage 3 other kids asking me for everything under the sun, throwing tantrums and trying my patience. Anyways, I nurse her for 10-15 minutes then change her diaper.

By this time I realize I have to get myself ready. Remember, I probably havent even showered by this point so I jump in real quick, jump out and struggle to find something that fits me. Its great to give up my comforts so that you and the kids are clothed with new stuff. 1 less person to worry about(me) so that you guys can have clothing that fits. I find something that fits finally. Throw it on, throw my shoes on get Lily in her carseat, grab my bag which is missing like ten things I need to search for(spare diaper, wallet, wipes), then I realize my keys arent where they should be(totally my own fault) so now I have to have a hunt to find them taking every 3 minutes to retrace my steps from the night before. Finally after 5-10 minutes I find them. By this time its 200pm.

I load the circus up into the car. Off we go!

Once we get to the store I take 2 minutes to take a deep breath and remind the kids of the store rules.

You break it you buy it.
No running around.
No touching.
No begging.
No screaming.
Stay close to mom.
Manners.

Once I get an okay from all three of them I unload the car, then battle it out with them when they start asking if they can grab the small kid cart. NO MEANS NO! Now comes the fun part. I put Lily into the main part of the cart. If you read this http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/118/2/e545.full you will understand my reason behind this and why this is now a regular thing for me to do when I shop anywhere with her. We enter the store and within seconds the kids have headed straight for the toy display that they have set up with all the sun and sand items. Im in my calm mode and say they need to come back to me and remind them of the rules. Before we even reach the bread isle, the kids are asking for donuts. No. Moving over to the milk, they ask for yougurt. Okay, pick what you want. A fight ensues as to which one is going to pick out what flavor and who is going to get what kind. I finally get tired of the bickering and tell them all to pick their own box out. Moving on. Somehow Im managing to fit all the items Im picking up so far in the cart around Lily. Doing good with the kids under control.

Oh crap, the toy isle again! With the smores supplies out front. God hates me(not really, but I know he is laughing).

The begging begins again. NO! And we move on after 5 minutes of 'can I have this?' 'can we buy this?' Half way through the store Justin begins to get tired and plops himself on the floor and refuses to get up. Oh god Im one of those moms with one of those kids. I plead peacefully for him to get up. I bribe him! Finally I pick him up and carry him on my hip. Lily is starting to get fussy by now. My nerves are starting to become unraveled but Im still holding it together.

My ability to push a cart and carry a 3 year old amazes me. By this time the cart is starting to get a tad bit full. I put Justin down, take Lily and her car seat out and carry it while one of the kids pushes the cart. Finally we reach the end of the store and get our produce and head to check out.

Of course everyone else has to be checking out at the same time as me so there is a line. I pick one. 5 people in it. Seems easy enough. 2 people taken care of. Then it happens. The light begins to blink. Someone needs a manager! A coupon didnt take. GOD FORBID YOU DONT GET YOUR .75 CENTS OFF YOUR DAMN CHIPS!!!! Oh and theres always someone with WIC that didnt get the right amount, right products or something that holds the line up.

Kids start to wander again. Lily at this point is not happy. 20 minutes later its our turn. I unload everything onto the check out belt and try to manage the kids who now want candy. NO! I tell them to go wait at the end of the checkout stand and put the bags in the cart.

Lily is now screaming. Justin almost got hit by a cart going after Robbie and Jade who have walked off to look at the candy machines. The check out clerk is slower than molasses. Finally its time to slide the card and gather the younglings. We make it out to the car and load up. Head home.

By this time I have a headache from Lily screaming her head off. She hungry, wet and just pissed. Justin is probably mad at me for something or falling asleep in the back and the other two have managed to find something new to fight about.

I pull into the drive and start to unload the bags. Lily is still screaming which in turn makes me SUPER stressed because my mommy senses are working against my brain which is telling me 'groceries will go bad if you dont get them in'. So I get them all inside. Pick up Lily, feed her for a few minutes, change her and then try to put things away AS Im breastfeeding her so that nothing melts or goes bad. I leave all the pantry stuff on the floor to put away later.

You get home shortly after and look around the house and see that nothing was picked up from this morning and give me that look and ask that question... What Did You Do All Day?

So before the next time you ask me that question, you need to be sure you are ready for the answer and the backlash that comes from a mother who is one string away from breaking down.

Struggling...drowning

 **Contains strong language. NSFC**

The last 3 weeks have been awful. Ive been feeling myself slip deeper and deeper into this fucking depression and I cannot stop myself no matter how hard Ive been trying.

Every time I felt like I was coming out of it, something else happened and its like a kick to the rib cage when Im already down.

Why does this happen to me?

Why?

Why cant I just have a baby and just be normal after?

Why do I have to endure a fucking year and a half of feeling like the world is the darkest place to be and I just want to escape it?

Why cant my body just allow me to be happy?

I have SO many beautiful reasons to keep on living for but I feel like I'm barely treading water and that I cannot fully enjoy these blessings.

Its a dark place to be.

Its a cold place to be.

I'm sad. I cry almost 50% of my day for nothing. I feel so alone at times.

Im tired. Its exhausting on my body. It hurts at times, too. I physically feel sick. I try to maintain my eating. I have to eat but some days I just am not hungry so I have to force myself. I have a baby to nurse. I do it for her.

I'm angry. Angry that I'm letting this consume me again. I cannot help it though. People tell me to just get better or go get help. I have gotten help. Know where that got me? NO WHERE. It got me a bill for a woman who didn't even really care.

My husband doesn't understand. I can only tell him so much before I get angry at him for not validating me and how I feel. Somehow it becomes a competition of 'who has it worse' between him and I. It doesn't help.

Med? No. Why should I take pills to kill off symptoms that will only lead me to ignore the cause?

I have my friends but its hard to find anyone who can truly relate to what postpartum depression or even severe depression feels like. Who wont judge you. Who wont call you unstable or think you have mental issues. Who wont discuss what you've told them with others who really do not need to know your business.

Why am I blogging then, you ask?

Because. I'm tired of holding back this freaking landslide. If I do not release some pressure, Ill break. If blogging it is releasing it, then I'm safe.

Do not judge me for this post. Unless you've been in the shoes of someone who has been through this horrible fucked up illness you have no right. If you do, you are just as fucked in the head as I am.

I just want it to go away.

I just want to be happy again.

Stop kicking me while Im down.

Im not dead, just keeping busy...

I feel like I haven't blogged in forever.

Oh look at that... its HAS been a while LOL

Motherhood will really put blogging as a last priority. It has been non-stop around here. While Im exhausted(understatement), I honestly love how busy I am.

Robbie is now 10. 10!! A decade since that little man arrived turning me into a mother. Unbelievable! Well, its believable but its surreal! Not a day goes by that I dont stop and hug my Robbie and thank him for coming into my life. He has been enjoying chorus at his school and has been making great progress in school! Next year is his LAST YEAR IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!!!!!!!!! Oh man. Im so not ready for this!

Jade turned 7 last August. That girl shines brighter then any star! Her personality has really come to the surface the last few months. Really! She has me busting up all the time. But she is totally a daddys girl. Jealous much? Um, YES! lol

Justin... oh my beautiful baby boy. 3 years old now. So handsome. So strong. Such an active kid. He is always GO GO GO GO GO! And SO determined to do things HIS way on HIS time. The battles that I have with him always end in smooches and giggles but Ill be darned if he doesnt make me want to pull my hair out! He starts kindergarten in 2013. I feel like time is just going too fast. Where did my baby go?! Who is this toddler taking over?!?!

Then there is my Lily. My sweet little flower. So beautiful. So small. So smart. Ive said it before, she is the BEST baby by far out of the 4. I have no complaints(other then her gassy baby issues lol girl can clear a room!). She is just so content in life.

Cliff is still working. Nothing much changing with him.

Ive been doing fairly well. I put photography on the back burner until Lily is a little bit older. In the mean time, I started heart in hand crafts. Ive taken up sewing and people actually like my stuff! I have a new addiction and its fabric lol

Ive been trying to keep my days very busy this month. What would of been Haleighs due date is coming up on the 22nd and its just a rough month and reminder of the sweet baby we never got to hold in our arms but now hold in our hearts. I miss her every single day. The pain is still unbearable at times but I know she is with me so I take comfort in that.

I also have Robs angel-versary on the 26th. We lost a good Marine and a good man that day.

The house is coming along great. We have been redoing the pond out back so its been nonstop digging, mud, dirt and slate the last 2 weekends. Huge project but its coming along great.

Thats pretty much it. Life is good.

Our Lily and a small update on life...

So the photos I posted in my original 'Shes here' blog were cell phone uploads. They came out horrible.

Sorry Lily. They didnt do your beauty justice.

I took some more of her once I had the energy and time at home. Its not easy to photograph a newborn. Its not easy to photograph your own newborn!

 

So theres our girl. :) We love her!!!

She has been sleeping through the night since we brought her home. Only a few nights has she woken up in the middle of the night to be changed and fed. Nothing I cant handle. Breastfeeding is going great. She is so alert when she is awake. Honestly a great baby.

My husband and I have agreed that he will be going in to get fixed on January 20th. I hate this. I hate the fact that people alter their bodies natural functions to avoid something that God made us to do. Have children.

I refuse birth control because of the side effects and the fact that it kills babies before they are given a chance at life. And there is no way Im going under the knife. I dont believe in it.

So...

He will.

Im having a difficult time with this.

Its sad.

Im sad.

I'll never feel a little baby inside me again.

Growing. Learning my voice. Being one with me.

It breaks my heart.

She's here!

Ill dig right in. Be warned. Serious TMI posting! Long too. I like to ramble. Its fun for me later when I go back and read old blogs I've written and relive them.

Last Wednesday(11/30) I started having really bad cramps and my mucus discharge went from clear/white to tinged with pink blood. I thought 'great! Maybe Ill progress from 2cm to something I can work with!' Thursdays OB appointment was disappointing. I hadn't budged. I gave up. I was going to be pregnant FOREVER!

Cramps continued throughout Friday. Still hurt like the dickens, still pink tinged mucus. It was my birthday and I wanted a baby. Unfortunately, baby didnt want to share birthdays.
Saturday rolls around and we lay around all day. Later in the evening we run to do grocery shopping and a quick trip to Kohls to get my MIL a gift. Before we hit the stores, we took Jade for a haircut and Cliff talked me into getting a pedicure. It was amazing and long overdue!
So we get done with our pedi(hubs got one too. He couldn't say no to a salon full of estrogen lol) and get our shopping going. Like usual, I started my contractions while walking around thanks to my husband who was 10 steps ahead of me trying to get me to go into labor. Nothing painful but typical annoying squeezies.

Around 830, we head home. We turned down our street off the main road and Cliff starts messing with my brakes because they were slick from the carwash we had taken it through earlier. As he is stepping on and off the brake, I feel something inside me 'snap'. Thats the best way to describe it. I tell Cliff 'that was weird. Either Lily just kicked me or my water broke.' So, Im trying to figure it out because I wasn't leaking or anything. We get home, I walk inside, stop for a minute and tell Cliff he is on his own for a second while I use the bathroom. I took 5 steps and TADA! Leakage! 'BABE! MY WATER BROKE! THAT'S WHAT I FELT!' So I run upstairs, shower and enjoy the game of 'wtf do I wear so I don't leak everywhere?' AH HA! I stuck one of Justins diapers between my legs and suited up! We stuck around the house for a while and got the kids organized and I got my last minute bag stuff thrown together. Gave the doc a call and told him Id see him soon.
Contractions were starting to come every 3-5 minutes after about an hour and getting painful so I knew we needed to head out. Its one thing to labor at home with water intact but for me its another to do it when water has broken and its my 4th baby.

We hit the road and now Im starting to feel them. Cramps from hell. Cliff would hold my hand as they came and squeeze as tight as I was squeezing his hand. It helped A LOT! We roll up to the hospital and go through ER. I walk up to the ER admin desk where theres 5 nurses sitting chatting 'what can we do for ya?' to which I reply 'where do I go to have a baby?' They laugh and have me fill out a form blah blah blah, wheel chair, long ride to L&D. They set me in a triage room where I waited forever with a husband who just sat there and drank his coffee all calm like. At this point Im hurting and he was about to DIE! Not really, but he wouldn't shut up LOL

Nurse comes in finally! Makes me dress in the dreaded gown. Does the magic blue swab to be sure my water broke and hooks me up to the monitor. Cliff loves the monitor! He loves to watch my waves. As we are sitting there, I keep laboring and he keeps telling me 'they aren't that bad. I've seen your peaks reach a lot higher then halfway!' Um yeah, they hurt. 'They aren't that bad'. UM STFU! Yes, he is still in his chair with his coffee. Yes, had I not been hooked up and in pain, I would of choked him.

So I get wheeled to my room. Get settled in. Walked around a little. My nurse, Pam, comes in. Sweet as sugar. Best nurse Id ever had. Was familiar with natural birthing since she did it with 3 of her own. I had to sign forms between contractions with her. Annoying. She hooked me up again to the stupid monitor. Laying down was the worse thing ever. So painful. I wanted to get up.

Cliff held my hand and helped me breathe through the majority of labor. My focal point, a green sticker on the ceiling. I dunno why but that's what I concentrated on with each contraction. Cliff would tell me when the contraction was peaking and coming down. He did good. I love him for it.
THEM BITCHES HURT! Id never felt such intense pain. Normally by this time(contractions coming every 2 min), Id of had an epi in and would be fast asleep until it was time to push. I have no pain tolerance.

This went on for a while(few hours). Finally, I got to my breaking point. Yes, I let myself down. I failed. I gave in. I asked for an epidural. I hate myself for it. Im crying right now even thinking about how I was so set in doing this unmedicated and I just caved. FAIL! But, Im proud of how long it took me before I asked. I fought it. I felt the pain I needed to feel. I went in seeing if I could do it, now I know I can't lol

At some point the babies heart rate started to drop with each contraction. So I was given oxygen and put on my right side. I fell asleep for a little while. Maybe an hour or so. I woke up to pain. My right side had gone completely numb and my left was feeling everything. My epi had failed me lol Pam checked me and said I was almost complete. I needed 20 more minutes or so and Id be pushing. She disappeared and I never saw her again. 20 minutes later, a new nurse shows up, then the doctor comes in to check me. Pam was off helping in another delivery. I was complete, +3. Baby Lily was knocking at the door ready to meet the world! The doc gets geared up, says 5 pushes and she should be out. Cliff gets the camera ready and assumes his position behind my left leg lol Nurse grabs the other leg. Doc says next contraction, push. I look at him and tell him I can't tell when the next one was coming because I could only feel half my body lol so the nurse watches the monitor
and told me when.

1 push, heads out!
1/2 push, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LILY!  December 4th 2011 @ 3:52AM bright and early!

I think we shocked everyone in the room with how quickly she came lol Even Cliff was like 'whoa'. No tearing or anything. Perfect delivery! And yes, I felt the burn as her head popped out.

There she was! Covered in beautiful slime, all up on my chest. Screaming. Oh my word, she has a set of lungs on her!

Daddy cut the cord. They let me have her for a few minutes then took her to the warmer to clean her up and let daddy take a few pictures :( my stupid lens was on manual so they came out blurry. Totally my fault. I should of checked before hand. But its okay. They weighed Lily and she was an even 8lbs. HOLY COW! I thought for sure she would be smaller! Nope. 8lbs and 19in long.

Doc finished up delivering the placenta and congratulated us and left.
My nurse let us have some 1 on 1 time with the baby. After a little bit, she took Lily and Cliff off to the nursery so they could check her over and clean her up.

I got to eat a sandwich while they did that. Nurse came back and helped me get ready to switch over to the mommy baby unit. I could of totally walked everywhere but she was insistent I get wheeled to the PP ward. My epidural wore off and I just wanted to pee. LOL

So there it is. I really tried with the whole natural birthing thing. I mean, I did it. Just not the way I wanted to with only half my body drugged lol. Its sad to think Ill never get another shot at this. :( my baby making days are over.

35 weeks later

And I'm still pregnant. For now!

We had a baby appointment on Tuesday. It was a follow up to a visit to the hospital last week. I was having contractions and they needed to stop them. All I can say is DAMN, THOSE SHOTS BURN!!!

I'm currently 1cm dilated. I still get strong contractions but not like before. Doc says she doesn't see me making it a full 40 weeks. I'm all for that! She also said that when the time comes, it will be a short labor. I'm all clear for a home labor and a natural hospital birth. I had to compromise with Cliff on this one. I wanted a home birth but he isn't comfortable with it. Oh well, at least I can do the majority of laboring at home with no doctors or nurses up my butt rushing my labor.

I just really want to meet our daughter. She is a miracle to me. 2 miscarriages in 6 months and a few weeks after the last we get pregnant and it sticks.

So much more I could write. But I'm tired. These last few weeks have been very unkind to me. My morning sickness is back. I have a horrible pinched nerve in my mid back and exhaustion is sweeping over me. Not to mention baby L is living up in my ribcage.