Im learning as time goes on, that grief from a pregnancy loss is like a cancer.
It shows up one day totally unexpected. Exposes weaknesses you never knew you had.
It redefines a person and their life. How they live every day. Do you get up and face the day and the pain of having to live while your baby has passed? Or do you remain in bed and let it all consume you? Do you try again? Do you fight it or do you give up?
At first, its a battle to live and see any positive outcome beyond the dark hole you find yourself in. Grief takes over. You mourn. You cry. You get angry. You ask questions that may never be answered. You search for people who can understand. You laugh. You at one point question your own sanity. And you ask why... Why me? Why my family? Why did this happen?
Grief goes into remission.
Months(or years) after fighting the initial battle of loss, grief subsides a little. The silver lining of the recovery process makes it way through the storm clouds. A little bit of sunshine peeking through. You can smile again. You're able to look at life in a whole new light. A healing light. And a rainbow of hope. Because for a while, you lost all hope. Its a beautiful feeling to gain it again.
But every now and again, that grief will creep up on you. It can come in the most benign forms. And sometimes it comes as a slap in your face.
Something as simple as a friends new baby can bring up that grief again. And it eats away at you. You want YOUR baby to be born, too. I know I do. I know I ache for those kicks and achy ribs, frequent bathroom trips and morning sickness.
Sometimes it could be as simple as a commercial or TV show with a baby in it. My husband use to change the channel when there were new babies that came on during TV programs. He saw how upset it made me and didnt like it. After I while I felt it was okay to leave the shows on and I told him to stop. It was a baby step for me.
It can be a sharp sting to your soul. The loss of a friends pregnancy can bring up all that hurt again. Knowing what they have ahead of them but at the same time knowing you hate that you now can relate to that pain. Its a pain we all share when we lose a baby. Be it at 4 weeks of at 40 weeks. Your baby died. Their baby died. Its the worse thing a couple/family and a woman has to go through. Unfulfilled dreams and unspent love.
Just as sudden(or over time) as grief came back into your life, its back in remission.
Baby steps of the healing process. In and out of grief. And its okay. Its perfectly normal. Dont let anyone lead you to believe otherwise.
Im learning to heal. And with that Ive learned to hope and have faith in God who has a plan for us all. It may not be the plan we want, but its the plan he knows we need.
We all need hope. And we all need to hang on to the faith.
As for grief; you learn to bare it and move through it as part of your life. Never forgetting that sweet little angel watching over you.
Im waiting for my rainbow. Because I know that my rainy skys are giving way to a silver lining and soon Ill feel the warmth of the sun rays.
Hugs to all my baby loss moms. Love and Light bless you all.
