Tuesday, September 17, 2013

3 years... Still hurts.

I knew this was going to be hard to type up. But my heart was flowing with words and I needed to get them down on paper.

The tears a baby loss parent sheds the moment she finds out the life within her has ended is indescribable. That pain is something only a baby loss parent can understand.
The tears that are shed on the birth day of a rainbow baby, the ones you see flowing down the face of a mother who has stared death in the face...
Those tears are real pain and joy.
Pain because her heart is still broken yet mending and she mourns the child she never got to experience this with.
Joy because baby made it! Baby made it and baby is alive and there. There in flesh and there in arms reach. There to smell and kiss and hold. There to hear and see.
Just there...
 
It's so much more than what my words can offer.
So much more.



…And then I cried


Three Years ago…
When I first saw that faint pink line start to become darker, I smiled
…And then I cried.

When I noticed the pink spots, I got scared
…And then I cried. 

When I started having the pains in my back, I paced the house
…And then I cried.

 When I woke up the next morning and saw the bright red blood, I screamed out
…And then I cried.

When the doctor confirmed that there was no heartbeat, I felt my heart shatter
…And then I cried.

When I laid in bed waiting on my body to birth my tiny baby’s body, I was engulfed in grief
…And then I cried.

 
Three and a Half Years Ago…
 When I saw that pink line appear again on all 5 test, I was scared
…And then I cried.

When I tested a few days later and the test was negative, I knew
…And then I cried.

When I started bleeding, everything was confirmed
…And then I cried.


Three and a Half Years Ago…
When I felt sick at my husband’s birthday dinner, I wondered
 …But I didn’t cry. 

When I got home and my thoughts began to race, I tested
…And then I waited.

 When those pink lines appeared again, I felt discouraged
…And then I cried.

 When it was time for the first check up, I was hopefully
…And then I looked.

 When I saw that little flicker on the screen, I felt joy
…And then I cried.

 When I felt every kick, roll and hiccup the next nine months, I was happy
…But I always felt a hole in my heart.
….And sometimes I cried.

When the time came and I first laid eyes on my rainbow baby, I couldn’t explain the emotions
...And then I cried.

Today...
When September rolls around and I start to think of the baby we lost and the journey of healing and restoring light back into my life and welcoming my rainbow after the storm;  I regain new perspective, I get sad as I mourn for the children that were lost but I celebrate new beginnings after.

I sit down and write this, peel some of the scab off a healing wound making it ooze with raw emotions, feeling that pain all over again as tears burn my face
 
…And I just cry.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Why there is no summer bucket list this year.

Last year we put together a big old bucket list for the kids of things that we wanted to get done and see over the 2012 summer. While it was a BIG list of simple things like 'make mud pies' and 'go camping', a lot of it didn't get done. My daughter reminds me of this every so often. It breaks my heart.

So, this year there will be NO bucket list. No planning out the summer. I mean, isn't summer suppose to be all about fun and being carefree? Having to stick to a list really didn't make it all that fun for me. Sure the kids enjoyed their time with the things we did do, but it wasn't what I expected. I didn't see the 'we are having a blast' looks on their faces I wanted to see.

Here is what we are going to do this summer:

Be spontaneous. No lists. No expectation. Just pack up and go based on the feeling that day.
Be open minded. No whining. No pouting. No crying.
Be free.
Be loud.
Be barefoot.
Be dirty.
Be one with nature. Bug hunting. Bird watching. Storm chasing (safe storm chasing). Star gaze.
Be at peace. If you ever been star gazing, youll understand.

That's it.

I mean, how can one go wrong with that, right?!

This summer I have some stuff I want to do with the kids that I will need to set aside time for. Robbie, being the big history buff he is, wants to visit Jamestown and Gettysburg. I would love to do both in one summer but it wont happen. Money and time will not allow for it. But one of them will get done. And there are a TON of local historic sites in the area also..



Do you do summer bucket lists or do you just roll with life and let it lead you on your own adventures?

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Its not okay...






I know you all are aware of the birthday party invitation fiasco we had 2 weeks back with the teacher telling Robbie he couldn’t pass out invites to classmates unless he invited ALL his classmates. Realistically, it’s not possible to throw a party with over 60 students since the invites extended to students in other classes, so that wasn’t going to happen. This is a classroom rule. Not a district rule. Which means it’s to the teachers’ discretion and since we didn’t have issues in the last 3 years that he has been a student there we didn’t think it would be an issue. Apparently this teacher doesn’t think it is okay. Fine.


I told Robbie to collect the phone numbers of the students he wanted to invite and I would call the parents individually and get addresses. Robbie came home that Friday and said he had gotten 6 out of 10 numbers but he had left them at school on his desk. Monday rolled around and as soon as he walked in the door from school I knew something was wrong. Someone had taken the numbers. He had to start all over again. At that point I said no. I told him he was going to pass out the invites as originally intended at recess and if the teachers had anything to say about it, he needed to tell them to call me ASAP and I would handle it. He got all his invites out last Tuesday.


When the kids came home that Tuesday, Jade walked in the door and said ' I don’t know what’s wrong with Robbie. He won’t talk to me.' Robbie walked in after her and he was on the verge of tears. I asked 'what’s wrong, Robert?' His reply was that he didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t push it so I switched gears and asked him if he had gotten his invites out to those who he wanted to get them too without any issues. He said he did but he didn’t want to talk about it. I pushed a little harder and told him he needed to tell me what was wrong because I knew from the look on his face he was about to cry.


He gives in and says ‘Child #1 came up to me after I gave child #2 his invite and he said I was cool because I broke a rule. Then he asked me if I wanted to be in the 'Cool Club'. I didn’t know how to answer so I didn’t say anything. Then he told me that A LOT of kids talk about me behind my back. He said A LOT of kids, Momma! They call me weird and say I am lame...'


At this point my 10 year old son broke down into sobbing tears. The kind of sobbing you don’t EVER want to hear from your own child. He tried to talk about what else child #1 said. I couldn’t make out a lot of it but I asked Robbie how the conversation ended. He said ' He told me not to be a snitch and that was it.' I asked him what he had said to child #1 during or as the conversation ended. He told me that he just stood there listening to all this and he couldn’t talk.

 

His dad and I told him he needed to tell child #1 that he doesn’t not want to be involved with the 'cool club'. Which he did. We told my son knows he is neither ‘weird’ nor ‘lame’. He knows he is special and unique and that the people who matter most will never make him feel any less than who he is meant to be.


Why am I writing about this? A few reasons.

1. Schools need a redo on their bullying programs. The message that these schools are sending out is NOT reaching their students. They have a Bully Prevention Week every year for the last 2 years. The curriculum is NOT working. 4 months school has been in. 4 months of hearing about this kid or that kid getting picked on and called names. 4 months of hearing about the teachers yelling at the kids about being bullies. Enough is enough. Something needs to change. Either the school needs to be committed or I need to pull my kids out of public school because my children should not come to me in tears and tell me they ‘hate school’ and ‘never want to go back’ because of some other jerks kids and slacking school staff. A letter is being drafted. I will be approaching the school about my concerns.

2. The ‘kids will be kids’ crap has got to stop. For example: my daughter has had an issue with the same boy for over 2 years now. We finally put an end to it after his taunting and teasing got physical with her. My daughter would come home crying about this boy 1-3 times a week. When I asked the teacher about it earlier in the school year, she brushed it off as a ‘sibling rivalry type relationship’. I let it go. When Jade came home one day crying and told us that this boy had kicked her arm in a game of scooter tag and showed us her bruised arm, that was enough for her dad to get pissed. He requested meetings with school staff and would not let it go until the boy was held liable and punished for his actions per the district Student Handbook. For the last two years, this boy had been harassing Jade. For the last two years, everyone brushed it under the rug. What kind of message does that send children?

Here I am teaching my children that if they have a problem they need to see help from a trusted adult. But when they do, they are told that it is nothing and then given a little paper booklet on how to handle conflict? This is teaching my children 2 things. 1. When they tell someone that something is bothering them, its no big deal to the adults who they trust enough to tell. 2. There are no consequences. If a boy was to hit a girl, the girl was to tell and the boy got a slap on the wrist, and the girl was told it wasn’t that bad; do you think she will be eager to go to someone for help again? Or do you think that a trust factor has been lost for good now? Yeah. Think about it.

3. To bring awareness to you parents. You need to stay on top of your children. You need to ask them about clubs they may be in at school and what they talk about and if they are talking mean about other people. Ask them about all the kids they hang out with and interact with. Bullies just don’t happen. Usually peer pressure plays a HUGE role in this. Your kids may know it is not good to say mean things about people but will join in so that they themselves are not picked on. Let them know it is okay to not be a lemming. Let them know it is okay to speak up for the kid being picked on. They may lose a few ‘mean’ friends but I guarantee that they will gain a new friend for life in the kid they stick up for. Children need this kind of guidance from us so that bullying can stop. Teach your children not everyone is the same. Some children are okay with being alone and not having a lot of friends. This doesn’t make them weird. Some kids are rule followers and they don’t want to see others get in trouble for breaking rules so they will speak up. This doesn’t make them lame.

Teach your children it is not okay to speak about other people in a manner they wouldn’t want to be spoken about or to.

4. I’m a mother. I carried my children for 9 months. I have a connection with each one of them. My Robbie is a good kid. Before anyone says anything negative about him and tells me I shouldn’t trust my kids every word, let me make things very clear. He does not lie. He does not steal. He does not cheat. He is whole heartedly the kind of kid you see and think ‘Wow. He is going to make a difference someday.’ He is so soft spoken. He is polite. He is well spoken. A lot of it I believe comes from the possibility of him being on the ASD spectrum. My son is smart. I trust him. You really have to meet him to fully get what I’m saying. Those who have met him know exactly what I'm talking about. His character is so pure, I swear I gave birth to an angel LOL

All that said, just remember to be involved in your children’s lives. Ask them questions about what’s going on at school. Make sure they aren’t being lemmings.


Let’s end the bullying cycle, TODAY!