TTC month 1: December 2010

So December is a flop. I got my period last week. Tested one last time because I was a week late and within a few minutes of me peeing in a cup and testing, I started spotting. Relief and disappointment. Blah.

Oh well. We will try again in February.

Until then, who needs baby dust? :) I have some to spare for January. 

Frustrated

I have had 3 babies totally unplanned. All "oopsie" babies. Haleigh was an "oopsie" baby as well. Now, when we actually want a baby, it doesn't happen. Ive taken 5 tests in the last two weeks. All came back neg.

I know my body needs time to bounce back from the miscarriage. My uterus needs time to repair and rebuild. But its so hard to play the waiting game.


I just want to see a + or double line one of these days. Im thinking we will play it safe till February or March. Just so I know my body has had enough time to do what it has to do.

Love you Haleigh! Thank you for watching over us and talking some sense into my head. Im a very impatient woman as Im sure God has told you. I just need to slow down. Mommy thinks of you every day!

TTC - Hope after loss

There is something about finding hope after the loss of a pregnancy that brightens even the darkest hour.
We made a silent approval last night between one another that I think we both feel good about. With a simple look in one anothers eyes and an "I love you", we decided to put aside the prevention methods and go with the flow. What ever happens happens. Its not an easy thing to do right now. There is so much fear and 'what ifs' lingering over our heads. Its not going to be an easy road ahead. But for now, Im allowing myself to live again and find hope in a new creation.

BFP! Dont mind if I do!!!
I still miss Haleigh. Im not trying to replace her. She is irreplaceable. Im simply trying to move forward.
I love you baby girl! Thank you for all that you have taught me over the last 2 month 3 weeks and 6 days. The pain still lingers but the hope and faith is returning.

The Ad

I keep seeing this ad everytime I log into facebook and its driving me CRAZY! I get so sad when I see it.

Why do I get sad?? Because I found out that we lost Haleigh at exactly 7 1/2 weeks. It reminds me of the perfect little human she was becoming.

Its just frustrating. I wish FB didnt allow advertisers to use info from our profiles to target its users for specific ads. If you havent noticed by now, this is exactly what they do. How else would the grants for military wives know you are a military wife and put an ad up specifically for military wives?

Its okay

Its been a struggle this last week. A lot of emotions in me with the holiday season getting underway and today I would of been 19 weeks along. I would of been finding out the sex of the baby next week(even though we all knew she was going to be a girl in our hearts). I'm having a hard time coping with this all. Cliff is right. I need to go to individual counseling. I cant find the validation I need through group sessions or even though people that I'm close to. I feel very distant from a lot of people.

I don't know why but I feel like people don't fully grasp what its like to be my age and to know that I only have so much time left before my baby making days are up. The option of "you can have more later" is one that is coming to an end for me. For a woman in her 30s, the chances of miscarriage or birth defects become a greater risk. 25% of women over 30 have a chance of miscarriage. My eggs aren't as good as they use to be and that scares me. So getting pregnant at my age vs. being in my early to mid 20s is something I take very serious. Your whole view on things like this change as you get older.

I feel guilty at times for mourning Haleighs death. Its mostly my head but its things other people say that play a part in this guilt. Everyone will mourn their loss in their own way and in their own time but what gets under my skin is how people don't understand that even though I never held my baby, never got to feel her kick or hear her heartbeat... she was still a person to me. She was very much loved and very much a wanted CHILD. Not an embryo. Not a mass of cells. She had a heart. Hands and feet. She had everything needed but what she didn't have was time. To make a person feel that their loss is less then another is wrong. And it hurts. There is no comparison to the pain a woman or a man feels when they have lost a life. Pain is pain. Grief is grief and loss is loss. It doesn't make a difference if you were 2 weeks pregnant, 15 weeks pregnant or 40 weeks pregnant, you still give birth to your child through a gush of water(my water DID break, that's the gush I felt before we left to get Robbies bike the night I started spotting) and through a mess of blood.

I feel guilty for feeling guilty.

I feel like I'm dishonoring my daughter when I let people get to me with things they say. Id never make anyone feel that way. I don't know if its just me understanding the whole pro-life side of things and how a child is formed from conception and there is no room for questioning if its a child or a bunch of cells. I get offended when someone tells me otherwise. But they have their right to their opinion and I have my right to my beliefs.

I feel guilty for having to feel like I'm in the wrong for mourning my loss as long as I have. Haleigh was someone very important to me. She was a new start. A new goal. A second chance(or 4th). A valued human. I would think its only acceptable to be able to work through the pain that was caused when I lost her. On MY time clock. And even though I don't expect people to fully understand everything, I do expect them to respect her, my family and me.

Maybe its just me. Maybe I'm just over analyzing everything lately. One day I'm fine and the next I'm angry or sad.

But today and this whole week, I just feel really alone.

But Im coming to realize... Its okay to miss her.

Letter to my child...

My dearest baby,

I don't know how to really start this letter. Ive never had to write one of its kind. It makes my heart sad that I have to and that you will never be able to read it in person. But on the other hand, it helps me to heal and I know that's what you would of wanted me to do.... I know you want me to heal.

There is so much I had planned for us. When I found out I was pregnant with you, I was in shock. Your daddy and I were not planning on having anymore babies at the time. We were lost as to what we should do. In our hearts we knew we were keeping you. It wasn't your fault mommy and daddy got careless. We loved you regardless of where we were at in our lives. Daddy made peace with the idea of a new baby and we were soon on our way to planning for you to come into our lives. We drove around and looked at mini-vans. Talked about selling cars and buying. I finally said we needed to wait before we made any big decisions. "Wait and see what happens" is what I told daddy. For some reason, in my heart I knew that you weren't going to be mine to keep. But I brushed that all aside and hoped for the best and most positive outcome. I told close friends and family about you and we began to accept the changes that were already underway for our expanding family. Ill be honest, I struggled. I wasn't ready for a new life to be in charge of. Mommy was just picking up on her business and had big plans! But I put it all aside. Those plans could wait. You were more important. You were my new goal. My new life plan. My new love.

So many thoughts and emotions ran through me as I began to dream of what was in store for us. Jade had been begging me for a baby sister so I started to plan around having a little girl. We talked about who's bedroom you were going to sleep in and we started making lists of all the things we needed. Daddy and I cleaned out the closets and put stuff aside for when you would need it. It was a huge production! Now the boxes sit in the storage room and collect dust. Boxes of what would of been.

I often wonder who you would of looked like. Your daddy has always taken the credit for your sister and brothers looks. Would you have been the little mini me? Would you have had my dark brown hair? Would you have had my round face with the "chipmunk" cheeks that my side of the family is known for? Ill never know. All I picture you as now is a soft glowing, floating  light with wings. That's how I envision angels. Soft. Glowing. Perfect shapes of energy. That was you. You were a perfect shape of energy. So perfect that God decided that he was going to keep you and use you as one of his angels for good.

I had planned out our very own maternity and newborn shoots. You would of been the most adorable little client ever! I would of painted my belly for the holidays and bought you the cutest little hair ribbons and headbands!!

It wasn't suppose to be like this, little one. You came into and left out of our lives so quickly. My heart aches every day just to feel you inside me again. You gave me purpose. I love your brothers and sister so much and they know... but there was enough love to go around for all of you and I have so much love locked inside that I never got to give out to you that my heart is over flowing. I know someday God will send us another blessing. Not to take your place, because that is impossible; but to let us know that there is still hope and that we shouldn't let this keep us from experiencing the joy of bringing your future brother or sister into the world. We love you. I love you with a deep love that only a mother can have for her child.

I know you have friends where you are. I know that my friends who have angels where you are take comfort in knowing that their babies are not alone. That they are not alone. Millions of mommies like me go through this every year. But I know, the new babies who come to you are welcomed with the most beautiful love and open arms.

You would of been a beautiful person. Your soul was strong. I felt you living inside me. We were one with one another for just a few weeks but we are joined together through our hearts for eternity.

Sweet baby, if there is something that I would want you to know, its this... no matter where I am, who I'm with and what I'm doing... you are in my head and I feel you around me every day. You pick me up when I'm down and I'm so blessed to be your mommy! You make me proud, sweet angel!

Ill write again soon. Happy Thanksgiving sweet one. You would of loved mommys turkey and daddys stuffed mushrooms. :)

I love you forever,
~Mama

Today

 Today i took a little walk
and i stopped along the way
i sat under a tree in a park
and watched the little ones play

i listened to their laughter
and watched the smiles on their face
and closed my eyes to take it in
and went to a different place

i saw a field that was neverending
and butterflies flew around
the warm sun shinning on my body
i look and see tiny footprints on the ground

these tiny footprints lead me
into a forest green
then into a tiny meadow
so beautiful and serene

a soft little hand comes from behind
and take my hand and pulls me down
to whispers in my ear...

"mommy youre never alone. Im always close to you.
when you feel the breeze upon your face
thats me kissing you.
when youre sleeping and you dream of me its really not a dream
its you and me touching hearts since we arent as far away as it seems.
you never got to hold me in your hands but in a better place
inside your body you kept me warm and both you and God kept me safe.
now its you that i look after when you are feelng sad
i kiss your cheek so softly
and say "mommy dont feel bad"
look around and youll see why
this place God made for little angels like me
who were too beautiful for earth
and even though your tears fall sometimes
i catch them and only i know their worth.

i slip back into reality as she slowly whispers
"i love you mommy" and turns to fade away
even for those brief moments
thats all i love to hear her say

i know my angels are safe
and in their fathers keep.
but sometimes i just sit
and in their memory i weep.

its not easy when you have to let go of an angel so close to your heart
but in the end it will be worth the pain when your are no longer apart.

Haleigh - Not a day goes by that I dont think of you, sweet baby. The pain is still very real in my heart and soul but every day Im learning that you are never too far away. Ill always have your sweet name to say and the good memories of when I carried you inside me. Even if it was for a short time and I never got to see you, its okay because I was blessed with a task that was so special. I got to grow a tiny angel. Love you baby!!

Dear Brain...

You can stop now. You can stop with the fake flutters in my gut. I know its normal. I know others can relate but I dont want to do this anymore. I dont want to have to 'think' Im feeling something when I know Im not. Do you realize how much more it just pushes this dagger into my heart? Do you know how it makes me yern for those first kicks I should be feeling right now from my baby who Ill never be able to feel, see, hold, smell or kiss?? Its is pure torture.

I cry a lot still. Mostly during the days when no one is around and Justin is asleep. Its still so raw to me. 2 months is a drop in the bucket for this kind of thing. Im making progress though. I can look forward to the birth of my friends babies and not be sad. My friend Jennifer is due in March and has asked me to do maturnity and newborn photos for her. And if things work out the way we would like, I can even do her 'L&D' photos!

I will be honest, it will be bitter sweet. My due date would of been so close to hers. My due date was April 23rd. Which is also a few days prior to the anniversary death of Rob who passed on April 26th. A death which Im still not at peace with. A death where I didnt get to say goodbye again. I think those ones are the hardest. You never get that last goodbye. With Haleigh, I didnt get to see her and say my goodbye the way I wanted. She slowly slipped away from me.

Its so sad.

But Ill be okay. Every day that I wake up is another day that I heal and I know Ill be okay.

Unanswered Prayers

I was looking back on the day I found out that we lost the baby. I remember praying to God that everything would be okay with the baby. I begged him to let her be okay. When we found out that she wasnt, I was disappointed, hurt, sad and angry.

I came to the realization the other day that even though I didnt know it at the time, my prayers were in fact answered. Maybe not in the way I would of liked them to of been answered, but they were.

My baby is okay. She is safe and she is very much alive. She is okay in spirit. She is safe in Gods arms and she is alive in our hearts and memories.

Thank you God for opening my eyes. Thank you for being a wonderful father not only to me but to my children as well.

"How many children do you have?"

The question of how many children we have came up in my support group the other day. There is always a pause after being asked that when you have lost a baby or a child.

My answer: 4. 3 living, 1 in heaven.

It never really dawned on me how that question would affect me later in life. Its only natural for people to ask.

I actually came across this question on a family history survey when I took Justin in for his doctors appointment the other day at a new office here. The question was "Have you had any children pass away?" or something along those lines. I had to stop and think about this. Do I put 'yes'? Do I recognize my little angel as a person who has passed away or do I keep her under wraps like she never existed? I started to feel the tears welling up again. Its such an easy question for so many parents to answer but for those of us who have lost a baby or a child, its like a dagger to the heart. Your heart starts racing and you get a knot in your throat as you struggle to answer it for the first time. I put my pen down and began to write. "1 miscarriage - Female - 8 weeks gest. - 9/08/2010". My little girl will always be a person to me regardless of how pregnant I was or wasn't to some people. She was a person living inside me. She passed away just like any other living person. Her heart stopped. Her life ended.

Ill never let anyone take away the importance of her life and what it meant to me and our family. Never.

Stillbirth, Miscarriage, and Infant Death

(some information I found on the Web to share with you all)

A baby’s death, whenever or however it occurs, is a profound loss. Unfortunately, society in general and friends and relatives in particular often do not acknowledge that this wished-for child, regardless of gestational age, was a unique individual and an important part of your future. Others may find it difficult to imagine deep grief over a child you as parents may have seen or held only briefly, if at all. To the contrary, the fact that your baby was carried in the womb or held in your arms for such a short while, and thus known by so few people, may add to the pain of losing the child and make grief even more isolating.

Memories, so important for the bereaved, allow a still painful, yet more gradual, good-bye. When a child dies before or shortly after birth, there may be precious few memories and little physical evidence that he or she ever really existed. Many parents create memories by keeping a baby book or a special box containing hospital records, certificates, sympathy cards, pictures, and clothing or blankets. Your baby was and will always be a part of you. Choosing a name, as well as having a funeral or memorial service, can help affirm your baby’s life, however brief, and your love for your baby as parents.

Symptoms of Grief:

When a baby dies, normal symptoms of grief are varied. Parental reactions and intensity of feelings may differ. Typical reactions include the following:

–Crying, loneliness, a feeling of isolation
–A need to talk about the death and the details of what happened
–Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, depression
–Anger, guilt, blame
–Loss of appetite, overeating, sleeplessness, irritability
–Inability to concentrate, comprehend, or remember
–Loss of goals and aims in life, a sense of despair about the future
–Aching arms and frequent sighing


Grief can last far longer than you or others may expect and has many ups and downs. The first year can be especially difficult when parents torment themselves with painful questions and statements such as the following:

–Why did this happen to my baby, my child?
–Why did this happen to our family?
–Why didn’t I know something was wrong?
–Why didn’t I go to the doctor sooner?
–It’s all my fault!
–If only . . .

There may be no adequate responses or satisfying answers to these statements and questions. Be aware that anger and guilt are common reactions and usually accompany grief. Try to share and express these feeling as a way to release them.

The Impact of Grief on Marriage:

The reaction to the death of a baby is as individual as the person experiencing it. Spouses or partners often grieve in different ways, frequently misunderstanding each other’s reactions or needs. You may be reluctant to express feelings of sadness when your partner has had a “good day” or vice versa. Some partners may not want to talk about the death, yet still feel comfortable when the other needs to do so.

Though many parents feel they must be “strong” for others in the family by not crying, doing so stops a natural reaction. Tears are a tribute to the child who has died and a healthy release.

Grieving is emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting and leaves little energy for anything else, including communication between spouses. While a shared grief brings many couples closer together, care must be taken to preserve relationships. Understand that the bonding between each parent and the baby may be at different levels, causing grief of different intensities. Share your feelings while keeping in mind that outward expressions of grief may indicate only a portion of what a person is feeling inside.

Husbands and wives may react differently to intimacy as well. While one partner may need and seek this closeness and the assurance that not everything has changed, the other partner may take the suggestion of intimacy as an affront, not understanding how anyone could think of intimacy when a baby has died. Recognize that these reactions are normal. With time and patience, most couples reestablish intimacy when both feel ready.

It is important for couples to understand that there are no simple solutions to these problems, no timetable or recipe for recovery. Every effort should be made to share what you are feeling. Your relationship may be uncomfortable for a while as you cope with these intense feelings and emotions.



Coping with Family and Friends:

Friends, relatives, and coworkers may be uncomfortable around you. They may not understand the intensity of your grief or may feel helpless to console and comfort you. Consequently, many offer clichés or platitudes as a source of comfort. You may hear some of the following statements:

–You will have more children.
–You were lucky; it was early in your pregnancy.
–You’re still young enough to have more children.
–You’re fortunate because you didn’t bring the baby home from the hospital.

Statements like these hurt, but there is little you can say to such well-intentioned people. Since they have not had your experience, it will be difficult for them to understand the length and depth of your grief and sadness. Another way family and friends may offer comfort is to suggest you have another baby. Let your family and friends know how important this baby was to you and ask them to be supportive by listening.

Subsequent Pregnancy:

The decision of whether to have another baby belongs to you and your partner. There is no “appropriate” waiting period.

No matter what decision you make regarding a subsequent pregnancy or adoption, it will probably not change the length of your grief for your baby who has died. When planning another pregnancy, be aware that aside from the physical stress, subsequent pregnancies can often be difficult emotionally.

Surviving Siblings :

Young siblings grieve, too, and can be passed over for support as being “too young to understand.” Encourage your surviving children to talk about their baby brother or sister. Your children may find it helpful to share their feelings with others of their age who have experienced the death of a sibling. Reading material can be helpful.

Questions About Religious Faith:

Your baby’s death may cause you to challenge or question your faith or philosophy of life. For a time you may feel that life is unfair and meaningless, and that you have nothing to live for. Some of your anger may be directed at God and, you may need time to reexamine your religious beliefs.

These feelings may be frightening, but it is important to allow yourself the freedom to raise these questions without feelings of guilt. A sense of purpose and control will return to your life, but this is a gradual process and there is no time limit. For many, however, faith provides support and often helps parents to accept the unacceptable.

Substance Abuse:

It may be tempting to dull the pain of grief by using alcohol and/or (prescription) drugs, but this may only delay and therefore prolong the normal grief process. You cannot escape the pain of grief and disappointment until you have faced the intensity of these feelings head-on.

Share Your Grief:

Although nothing can take away the pain you feel right now, it may be helpful to know what others have experienced as they’ve struggled to deal with the intense grief that follows the death of a child. Sharing with other bereaved parents, in an atmosphere of acceptance and understanding, can ease the loneliness and isolation of grief. Those who have “been there” can truly understand and accept your grief. These parents can help you to understand that the most painful aspects of bereavement will soften over time and that you are not alone in your grief.

Some "friend"...

I know you will read this and I want to tell you since you didnt give me a chance to even respond to your incredibly rude and unwarranted email I will say it here for the whole world to read.

You are a mean and unchristian woman. You speak of scriptures and respecting people and loving others and do the complete opposit. You are a total bitch and Im so glad you are out of my life because YOU were making matter worse by your unkind and inconsiderate words. You do not think before you speak!!! Do not sit there and tell me you are my friend and defend everything you said on facebook as you being a "friend" and then email me with whats below. You are a walking contradiction. You are a coward. You are a hypocrite. You know you were in the wrong for being so rude and inconsiderate. If your friends saw the shit you posted, Im pretty sure they would agree. All I wanted was an apology. Others said they were sorry when I called them out in private but you took things public so thats where it stayed. You are so dense that you missed the whole point of what others were telling you. Shut up and listen for once!

I tried to be nice and tell you I just needed a break. Not because I didnt want to be your friend but because I needed to take a time out to look at things from a different point of view. I was honest and you didnt like it. You can say all the mean and nasty stuff that you want. It just shows how insincere you were about our "friendship". And throwing in my "contradictions" shows me that you obviously are immature and dont know how to keep your mouth shut and jump to conclusions. I NEVER lied to you about seeking help. Ive been in contact with 2 grief groups that meet twice a month in Prince William. I missed Septembers meetings. So you can shove that one.

You call me a shark. Takes one to know one. I had NEVER done or said anything to you to make you hurt. You prey on people who are vulnerable and then when they cross you, or tell you what you dont want to hear, you attack. You are very unfair by trying to get the last word in like you did and blocking me. Im so angry at you and will not forgive you for the hurt you have caused me and for attacking me.

I hope you learn from this and change the way you approach sensitive subjects with other people you know and befriend in the future. And, I hope you grow up and take your own advice that you dish out to others. If it was you in my shoes and you had lost a baby, I would offer a shoulder and not lectures like you have done to me. You are not better then me and you never will be. God sees you and sees what you have done. Seek him out and his forgiveness. Ill pray for you. YOU need to seek help with the way you behave. You need it more then I do. You have no tact and no common sense.

You are not and NEVER will be a friend of mine. Good riddance!!

_________________________________________________________________________________


" Raquel-Marie Newton September 30 at 5:07pm I think its best if we take a time out for a while. I wish you the very best and will contact you in the future when I have gotten past the worse of it all. I just dont think you see where everyone is coming from and even if you did mean well, you need to think before you speak when it is something this complicated. Youve been through it yourself as you say and I dont know why you would be so hard on someone who is going through the same thing and having the issues so fresh and still raw... you need to look back and remember the hurt and your feelings and how you would or did react to people saying the same things you have. Youre a good person but I need to draw a line. This isnt the first time youve said something that I took to offense and obviously didnt read my blog comment response because if you did you wouldnt be saying what you are. All the very best to you and your family."


"Valeta Gregg Kelley September 30 at 5:16pm Report Yes, i agree, I'm deleting you and blocking you, and please don't contact me in the future. You need help, your psychotic rants are simply a cause for attention. You've in the past lied about things like getting help and then making me look bad for suggesting it. My mother has said to swim with dolphins not sharks and you're definately a big jawed shark. I can see why others have deleted you. You read what you want to read, you contradict yourself..ie saying your husband is a over protective cheating man and then the next breath writing notes about what a great man he is. Seriously..I have the emails to prove them. What you have said to me, does not match up with others. You need to grow up for the sake of your family."

Cute!

I got this idea from Alyssa, who got it from http://leighashley.blogspot.com/...






{one} what is your biggest pet peeve?
        
 People who are two faced.

{two} what is your favorite dessert?

Nothing beats apple pie with ice cream!


{three} what is the first thing you notice about people?

I have no clue. My boobs?


{four} are you usually late, early or right on time?

Its a tie between right on time and late.


{five} have you ever fired a gun?

I own one and have fired it on many occassions.


{six} are you right-handed or left-handed?

Right.


{seven} which do you prefer: coke or pepsi?

Neither. Im a tea drinker.


{eight} do you dance crazy when no one is looking?

I dance crazy anytime in front of anyone.


{nine} what’s your favorite movie snack?

Whoppers.


{ten} do you scream on roller coasters?

Yes. Out of pure joy!





okay, now you go!

10 years :)

Well, at least today there is a happy cloud over my household. Today is the first day of Fall. I welcome this season with open arms!

Today is also the 10 year wedding anniversary of a very special couple. Cliff and myself!

We have been through so much in the last 10 years that its honestly beyond me how we have managed to not kill one another.

Im glad we are still together though. :) He has rescued me from myself so many times. I dont know what I would do without him.

I love you Cliff. Heres to 10 more decades with you!!

And the world keeps spinning...

I have a hard time watching newborns on TV, or seeing pregnant women in commercials. I have a hard time reading books about babies and magazines that offer pregnancy advice. I just want to sleep. Sleep away the pain in my heart. Thank God for Cliff... If he wasnt around to push me out of bed, I would sleep forever.

I was telling Cliff the other night, that a womans body and mind start to prepare itself for pregnancy and birth the moment you find out you are pregnant. And then POOF!, its all ripped away from you in the blink of an eye. It changes you forever. Anyone who has been there knows you will never be the same. You dont just forget and move on. Life moves on but a piece of your heart is lost in the world.

Everyone around me is getting pregnant and announcing their pregnancys. Im SO thrilled for them. I honestly am, but a little piece of me is sad. That should be me up there. I dont get all the congrats and praise. I dont get to have that natural high. - annnnn end pity party - NOW.

All I can do now is offer them love and pray for their health and their babies to be born beautiful and healthy!

Ive been keeping busy. Ive just about finished Haleighs box. Now Im sewing a cute 'sweet dreams' butterfly picture to put in it. I havent picked up a needle and thread in years! It feels good!

I miss you baby. There is a empty void where you once grew. Just a big empty void filled with sadness.

"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."

A dear friend of mine sent me this yesterday and it touched my heart deeply... Thank you Callie. Thank you so much!

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to fill your womb,
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
~Author Unknown

My angels box

Its still a work in progress and I need to take a photo of the right side of the box and the inside but you get an idea. :) You can click the photos to enlarge them!

Project

I started a new project yesterday. Im making a shadow box for Haleigh. I cant keep her sonogram photos in my jewelry box. She doesnt belong there. I also have to have a place to put the little things me and the kids bought for her before she got her wings.

Its coming along perfect! Im very happy with how it looks. Now Im just searching for a quote to paint onto the top of it and I have some more painting to do.

Its helping me keep my mind off the loss and helping me to focus on the beauty of who my child and what I held even for a short time.

I will admit today isnt one of my healing days. Ive cried. A lot. Its not that Im dwelling, its that I still hurt in my heart. Its still so fresh and I hate how 1 week ago today I was sitting in an office praying there was hope and then having it all taken away.

Its just part of the process. Ill be okay. My baby is watching over us all and making sure that we are okay.

He never cancelled!!!!

I found out last night that Cliff never cancelled his vasectomy appointment. I thought he did last week. How could he even think about doing it anymore? I'm so mad and hurt.

This is something that we never talked about as a couple. How many kids we want to have. I want 4. He was done at 2. With 4 kids and us, we would have the perfect number. 6. The number of perfection(some say its 7 but its in dispute).

Just the thought of not being able to procreate ever again brings sadness to my heart. God created a woman and a man "And God blessed them, and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth." Genesis 1:29

Can you imagine. Such a great gift and here we are altering the temple. Cutting away the chance of creating life.

How sad.

How very very sad :(

Still sad, Still crying, Blah

Tonight isn't such a good night.

Did I miss her? I have been thinking about it all night. I must of missed her. How did I miss her? Ive been so careful. It must of been in those first few days.

As sad as I am, I'm accepting it.
As painful as it is, I'm accepting it.

But what if I haven't and she is still in me? Ill need to go in and get a D&C. I don't want a D&C. I don't want them to hurt me anymore then Ive already hurt. I'm also afraid of them messing up my insides.

Cliff confessed to me that he is scared and doesn't want to try again for another baby. This mad me very sad inside. I want to try again. I want to bring a new baby into the world so we can full fill what should be. He is afraid of this happening again. I'm afraid too but in time Im sure our fears will subside. I just dont want to be trying at 35. 35 is my cut off.

I pray over time he will change his mind and we will talk about it. For now, we need to push through the pain and keep looking forward.

This hurts...no like it REALLY hurts.

I didnt think that having a natural miscarriage would physically hurt this bad. I never really thought about it. Its less then natural labor but more then your average period cramps. You feel like this for days. Wishing it would just be over soon but secretly wishing that it would keep hurting so you know you are still feeling something instead of the numbness youve felt over the last few days.

Yup. Im numb. I feel emotions but mostly sadness and pain. Empty. Drained.

My uterus slowly closing back to the normal fist size from the softball size that it was. I dont know if Ive passed the baby or not. Ive tried my best to keep a close eye out for her. I pray that I havent missed her somehow in those first few days. But I pray that she comes soon if I havent so that I can lay her down for her eternal rest in the garden.

Most probably will think me crazy for even trying to do this. Or even talking about it but you cannot judge if you have not been there. And I pray that no one will ever judge a mother that has lost her child. She may have been a 7 week old embryo to some but she was a baby to me and her father and her brothers and sister. She was loved even before we held her just like any new life.

It helps to know Ill have a place to go to when I need to reflect and remember Baby Haleigh. A place surrounded by beauty and nature.

October 15th "Wave of Light". Remembering our Babies.

Nameless no more

The other night as we laid in bed, Cliff 99% asleep; I asked him what he would of named the baby if we would of had a girl. He said he didn't know and that we needed to talk about it the next day. Me being the persistent one kept pushing the issue and I said "you always did like the name Haleigh" so I repeated it... Baby Haleigh. I fell in love with it and laid my head down next to Cliffs back, listened to his heartbeat like I do every night and fell peacefully asleep. For the first time in a couple days, I felt no pain. Just peace.

We both agreed that it would just be 'Baby Haleigh'. No middle name. Simple and sweet.

I'm more at peace with everything today. I think Ive cried all I can cry for the time being. I know Ill have my good days and bad days but I also know Ill be okay. Cliff will be okay. My kids will be okay.

Cliff called me yesterday to ask me a very important question.

Last Friday he had gone in for his consult for a vasectomy. He had scheduled it to be done in 2 weeks. He was pretty set on making sure we wouldn't be having anymore children. He was done! This was to be the last one.

He called me and asked me if he should cancel the appointment. I told him I didn't care. I don't want to force him into feeling like he needs to have another baby with me. Yes, I was ready for another one. Yes, I protested him even getting a vasectomy in the first place but its his body. Yes, its our decision as a couple but I don't want him to hate me if I was to get pregnant again. I know he wont but its hard sometimes knowing he didn't want to have anymore kids. I think everything that has happened changed his mind. We are both feeling the loss of a new baby that we both wanted and accepted. We made things work around this new baby. Everything was going to be okay.

So, maybe in a few months or more we will see what happens. I know Ill get pregnant again. I get pregnant if he looks at me. I'm VERY fertile! Ill make sure I start taking vitamins and eating right the second I think we conceived. I know there is nothing I can do to prevent this from happening again but it cant hurt to try and do right.

Ive also decided to create a memorial garden in my backyard. There is a flower bed in my yard that has wild flowers and a bench under a tree I like. It turns gold in the fall and the flowers bloom all summer long. I think it would be perfect. Ill buy a memorial stone for Haleigh and plant a ton of butterfly plants. My little girl will have a place of her own.

My sweet baby Haleigh.

September 10, 2010

Today... I wish today never came. Last week I was begging time to hurry up so this day would come. Now all I want it to do is go away.

By now, on this day, I would of already visited my OBs office. We would of already heard our sweet babies heartbeat for the first time. We would of seen the first glimpse into my womb that held my sweet angel so safely.

Instead, I sit here. Alone in my dark basement. Wrapped up in sorrow. A grieving mother. A woman who was once full of a new life. A little girl lost.

I cry. I stop crying. I cry. I stop crying. I am so angry.

Im so ANGRY!

Im so angry... so sad... so hurt... so confussed... so devistated....

I have 3 other children. My last pregnancy went fine.

Why? What went wrong? Why did my baby die? Why? Did her heart even start beating? Did she suffer? Did she ever get to hear my voice. Did she hear me tell her how much I loved her? Did she feel my love? Did she feel the love from her daddys hand as he held my belly?

Her daddy loved her. He is having a hard time with this all. He helps me through it but hardly shows his own pain. I see it in his eyes though. He sleeps. This is how he grieves. Its always been how he handles loss.

The first night we found out about our loss, he had pains in his lower belly. He felt sick. It was like he was feeling my pain and what I was going through.

I love him. He has been the biggest help with everything. Mostly with holding me when I break.

He is my rock.

Our Loss is Heavens Gain. My baby got her wings.

What a roller coaster we have been on the last few days. From joy to sorrow and everything in between, Ive felt it all. Bare with me. I need to get this all out. Ill feel better. Its all part of my grief process. Its how I do.

August 23rd we found out that we were pregnant for the 4th time. At first we were not very accepting to the idea of another baby coming into our lives at this point in time. After sleeping on it over night and having some sense talked into us, we both began the process of accepting things as they were. We started looking for a bigger car, even test driving mini-vans!!!!!!!! MINI-VANS! I swore to never own one. Never been seen driving one! But there I was. Driving one and about to buy one.

We were waiting for the 'danger zone' to pass before saying anything to family and friends. Of course I called and told a few people who were close to me. I mean, how could one not! Its one of those secrets you HAVE to spill to SOMEONE!

The weeks went by and I was sooooo set and ready for my September 10th appointment for our first OB check up. Just knowing I was about to see my baby and hear her heartbeat made the days fly by. We were looking forward to it!

Thursday, September 2nd I began to have mild spotting. Just a very little amount of pink spotting. I called my OB office and they said that it was normal for some women to spot a little during early pregnancy so I just needed to rest and keep off my feet. My mother in law came in to town Friday to stay for the labor day weekend. We spent the entire weekend cleaning my house top to bottom so that if I started getting sick, everything would be done. I had been feeling wonderful the last few weeks which stuck me as odd but I wasn't complaining. I though, hey! maybe this being my last baby, maybe I will be able to actually enjoy this one instead of puking 24/7. My spotting remained the same all weekend. I tried to rest when I could.

Monday night I didn't sleep to well. I felt really uneasy and my body didn't feel right. Tuesday we woke up early and I sent the kids off on their first day of school. I sat around, threw some laundry in, picked up a little then took a nap. Woke up and went to go get the kids from school. Once I picked them up we headed to the shoe store to exchange their shoes for different sizes. Came home and had dinner. Normal day for us. Cliff came home and we headed out to again, exchange a set of Robbie's shoes. I'm a screw up. What can I say. Before we left I felt a little gush(***TMI WARNING***) and went to check my pad. There was about a teaspoon of light pink blood but nothing bright red so I just ignored it(I was debating on staying home or going) and we left. We stopped by Target to buy Jade and Robbie new bikes. I wasn't feeling too hot and was just tired. We found a bike for Jade and decided to head to Toys R Us to get Robbie's bike. I waited in the truck while the boys ran in. I started having some back pain and minor cramps. Cliff and Robbie came out and I just wanted to go home at this point. I was pretty much scared at this point but was trying my best not to think about it.

We got home and put the kids to bed. I called my OB, left a message and he called back shortly after. I explained what I had been experiencing and he said that it sounded pretty normal and that he wanted me to come in the next day for an ultrasound.

I took a shower before bed and noticed the blood had turned a little more red. It was then I really started to get scared. I knew what it meant. I just held my belly and cried in the shower. Cliff was such a saint trying to tell me that women go through this all the time and that it doesn't mean I was losing the baby. We went to bed and it was a restless night for me yet again.

We woke up around 630am and the first thing I did was go to pee. My panties were soaked in bright red blood. I knew. I called out to Cliff and told him I was losing the baby and begun to cry. He told me to not jump to conclusions. The doctors office opened at 7 and I was right on the phone when that time came. Our appointment was set. 1050am. The appointment that would determine if by baby was alive or if I had lost her. I knew in my heart that I had already lost her. A mother knows her body. A mother knows when there is life inside her and when there isn't. I felt so empty but I clung to that last moment of hope.

Cliff took the kids to school and the moment he left I went to my room and hit my knees. I begged God for my baby to be okay. I begged him. I pleaded. I cried. How could he not hear the painful cries of a mother in need? I prayed. I prayed so hard. Harder then I had ever prayed in all my life other then when Cliff was in his accident.

I jumped in the shower and got myself put back together before Cliff got back home.

We arrived at the doctors office at 1015. Again, I screwed up and thought the girl said 1015 instead of 1050. We sat in the waiting room. My rosary in hand. My thoughts on my cramping womb.

Every pregnant woman that came into the office was a dagger in my heart. Those beautiful baby bumps. Those women with a child growing, turning and living in them. It hurt. I turned to Cliff and started to cry trying to hide my pain and whispered "This waiting room is the last place I want to be right now." He offered to stay while I ran downstairs to grab a drink. I said no. I stayed. I prayed. I looked like a hot mess. Women were looking at me trying to figure out what was going on with me. I felt their glaces. They saw my pain. They whispered to their spouses and friends. Its okay. I was okay with it. I wanted to stand up and shout out to them that they should embrace the life they carried every day and never take anything for granted.

We were finally called back. The nurse took my vitals and asked the normal questions. When she got to the date of my last period question I broke again. She knew I was scared. She comforted me and said that we needed to keep hope and to focus on the positive. We waited for the ultrasound room to open up and when it did she took me and Cliff over to the room. We had Justin with us, also.

I undressed. Still bleeding. Ugh. That stupid red blood. That color. I used to like the color of a dark red. I don't like it anymore. I hate it. HATE IT!

We waited what seemed like forever. I had been in that very same room in April of 2007 when we were getting our first ultrasound of a little baby boy we like to call 'Turtle'. Yup. It was a happy room back then. Now it was a cold, unhappy place for me this day. I didn't want to be there.

The doctor finally came in. Asked a few questions and then had me lay back. (***TMI WARNING**) She needed to do an internal pelvic exam. I couldn't keep my eyes off her face. Her face was my key. Her face would tell me if we were going to be okay or if we were not going to be okay. Her face. Dr. McLeod. Ill never forget her face. She pressed against my uterus. I felt pain. I felt her fingers. I felt pain. Her face gave that look. That "yes. just as I thought." look. She looked at me and shook her head and softly said "Yeah, your already dilated and I can feel tissue right there." Just the word 'Dilated' sent me into tears. It confirmed my deepest fear. I knew it would be bad. But my body was already in the process of rejecting my baby. My 7 week old baby. My baby.

Dilated. I'm use to that word when I'm 4 weeks away from giving birth. We thrive on that last home stretch. Praying to dilate so that we can have our sweet babies we carried for 9 months in our arms.

Dilated. Passing tissue. Bleeding. The words all mushed into one when she spoke.

She then did an ultrasound. Just to confirm that there was no heartbeat. She moved the trans vaginal ultrasound wand around inside me. It hurt. I saw my uterus. She explained what we were looking at on the screen but I already knew. There was the sac. It was already partially deflated and falling in on itself.

She moved the wand some more. I saw the flicker of my artery on the screen as she explored my uterus. Then she moved it and there it was. There was my baby. A tiny little blob. Motionless. Nothing. I looked. I saw no tiny flutter of a heartbeat. The doctor didn't have to tell me. I knew. But she did her little speech anyways. She pulled the wand out and begun to explain what was going on. That there was nothing we could do. We had lost the baby.

Through my tears I asked her if we could have a couple ultrasound photos. She looked at me like I was crazy and said "Are you sure? Theres nothing there. Just dead pregnancy tissue." My heart stopped and I took a breath. I told her I was sure and that I would like her to do it. So she did. Two printed photos. One of my sac and one of the "tissue" she spoke of.

Now, let me explain a little something. Doctors are trained to see things medically. They use words like "Product of conception" and "pregnancy tissue" to describe an embryo or fetus that has passed away or has been aborted. There's a time and place for those words. This was not the time nor the place. I wanted her to go away after that. She left us alone to grieve and collect ourselves. I just wanted to go home.


She came back after what again seemed like forever and explained my options of how to carry out the miscarriage. I already knew I wanted things to happen as God intended. No medical intervention. I just wanted to go home and quietly give birth to my child. In the privacy of my own home. With my husband beside me.

I left the doctors office. Got into the hall and once again broke down crying. 'What would I tell the kids? I have to call my mother in law. I have to call my sister and brothers. God, why did this happen??'

As we were walking out of the building, Cliff walked behind me with Justin. I heard him say "Oh how sad" and then he grabbed my arm and said "look, the hummingbird is dead" to which I looked and replied "Oh great! Death all around me! I got dead things around me and in me..."(I don't see hummingbirds around here so this was a very sad thing for me on top of the already sad thing I was going through. Why would God bring such sadness upon my heart? There is a reason. I dunno what it is but there is a reason)  and once again, I broke. It was a long emotional walk back to the car. I sent my few text messages to my friend, my cousin and sister letting them know what we had just found out and headed home. Cliff followed me back. We took separate cars because he had planned on going to work after the doctors appointment. It was his last grasp at keeping faith and hope that everything was going to be fine. He wouldn't say it but that how I see it.

We came home and we laid down. He held me. We talked. Cried. Loved. Mourned. He fell asleep. I couldn't sleep. I was in pain. I was cramping pretty bad by now.

Soon it was time to go pick up the kids. He left to go get them. I put my brave mommy face on and welcomed them home. I was so tired by this point and my head felt like it was going to explode so I went to lay down and fell asleep. Cliff took them outside to ride their new bikes for a while, letting me sleep. They came in after a while and the kids ran upstairs to tell me all about how they learned to ride with no training wheels and asked me if I was proud of them. Then they started talking to my tummy. Asking the baby if it was proud of them. They didn't know. God the pain that ran through my heart. How do I tell them? What do I tell them? When do I tell them? I told them to go get cleaned up and ready for dinner. I went into the bathroom and cried. Pulled myself together and went downstairs. I whispered to Cliff that we needed to tell them and he kept saying no. Not today. He wanted to wait for the weekend. But how could I get through the next few days with them kissing my belly goodnight and talking to the baby?

Dinner time. We all sat down to eat and Robbie asked me what was wrong. I said I was just tired. He says "Oh yeah. The baby makes you tired, right?" Cliff quickly changed the subject and I got up from the table and went upstairs and once again cried. I heard Cliff talking to the kids and I knew he was telling them something. He sent the kids upstairs to give me a hug and make sure I was okay and I told them. I said that our baby was in heaven with God and she was waiting to be born at another time. Robbie was sad. He said he was really excited and really wanted another baby. I told them that mommy and daddy could make a new baby but they would have to wait a little while. I'm so blessed that my children know God and know that he is there and takes care of us. They know our baby is with him and God is keeping her until the time is right. They are good kids. They understand and are okay.

Its been an emotional roller coaster since last night. I'm okay for a little while then all of a sudden I am reminded of something I ate while I was pregnant or something I said or something I did and I feel so cheated. So cheated out of the love I was waiting for from my unborn baby. So cheated out of being able to share the love I have gained for my unborn baby over the past few weeks. Its so unfair. For all of us. We have all been cheated. My baby was cheated out of a life. My children were cheated out of a new baby sister or brother and my husband and I were cheated out of a new life we made and were suppose to bring into the world together.

I am going through all the emotions. Ive already come to terms with God taking my baby back into his keeping. All of us are on loan. He makes no promise that what was there one day will be there tomorrow.

This evening I passed part if my placenta. As traumatic as it is, I know that things are progressing and nature is taking its course. I'm waiting though. Waiting to be able to see my little one. Scared that she might fall out of me and I not know it. I don't want to flush my baby. Don't judge me!! You wouldn't either!

So I sit. And wait.

Slackerrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Yes, I am! Between business and family and vacation planning, blogging has taken a backseat.

Okay, so summer vacation has officially started for the kids. Its already day 3 and they have been water babies since daddy put their pool out.

Robbie pulled in another citizenship award last month. Would of been great to of known this Monday that there was a ceremony but some little boy kept forgetting his agenda at school.

Jades getting moved onto 1st grade after we sat down and talked to her teacher and principle who wanted to hold her back another year. Cliff wasn't having it.

Justin - well, what can I say about him. He is all boy. He is so smart, too. Ask him a question and he will answer you. Ask him to do something and he will do it. But he will protest when he isn't getting his way like any other 1 1/2 year old. I dig it though. I'm calm enough to handle his tantrums.

Other moms would totally be jealous with the amount of patience I have with my kids. I feel bad for those who stress out over small things. Just sit back and let your kids be kids! Whats the point in yelling at them for stupid shit like spills or yelling indoors or having fun with friends at someone house. If they are being destructive then yes, by all means, you can yell at them, otherwise let them be! That's how I roll.



So, whats new on the photo front? Not much. Just been studying and I have my first "after the wedding" session booked for next weekend. This is big for me. I'm nervous as all hell! My client found me on Facebook of all places. I have a Facebook for my business and didn't think it would do me any good but I was wrong lol

She wants to have her photos done at the National Cathedral in DC. I'm not too sure about getting in there but I have a plan B if that doesn't work out. I'm just waiting to hear back from the N.C. before I go off and buy my photographers pass at this other place. $150 for a year to use the grounds anytime I want during business hours. Its not a bad deal!

Its all crazy. I'm crazy. I feel like I'm getting in over my head at times but its just lack of confidence. This will help build that faith I need in myself to be able to do my job.

Im an Aunty, again!

My brother who is a year younger then I am, and his wife gave birth to a baby boy this morning.

6lbs 11oz 20in. Born @ 214am.

They are naming him after my brother.

I cannot wait for someone to send me pictures!

My last blog post on here was back in October of 2009. Imp just finally getting a chance to pick it back up after a long break from blogging... just needed to revamp my life in order to honestly blog again without fear of judgment and stupid stuff getting in the way. I no longer fear being honest with my words and putting things out there.


Lots of new stuff going on. Its been slow in the photography department. I’m going to have to start implementing a $25 booking deposit. Too many last minute cancellations after I already set aside time to do a session. Gets rather frustrating when I have children of my own and most session bookings are on weekends. So if they don’t cancel, they get their money back. I understand emergencies come up so there will be exceptions but I have a business to run. Nothing personal.

Cliffs job is driving us nuts. He is suppose to going on a pilot soon and I need to know dates and such but its all up in the air on where he is going. I’m praying for Florida. Id take the kids down for a week and enjoy some FL sunshine, see my Jen-Jen and the boys and meet Miss Anneliese for the first time! So, yeah.. reeeeeeally hoping for a FL pilot!! Other then him being tired and stressed out, he is fine.

Robbie, Jade and Justin are growing... like weeds!!

Last month Robbie received 2 certificates at a school achievement assembly for his grade. One for Outstanding Effort and one fore Citizenship. He is doing GREAT in school and has really bloomed this year academically! To think, when he started he was at a pre-1st grade reading level and now, he is reading at a 3rd grade level! He is a wiz at math but writing we are still working on. He has been having a major attitude problem lately. I’m so not used to this age. He is growing into a little man and its hard for me to adjust and find a balance between treating him like a kid and treating him like an 8 year old. There is a fine line and we both need to come to a compromise. I want to get him into sports or some kind of martial arts class again. He has WAY too much energy and I think that’s where a lot of our issues are stemming from. Him being bored. We will work it out.

Jade has picked up a lot in school, too. Although she struggles in some areas. I think she is another late bloomer in our house. She is needing to work on her numbers harder. I’ve been trying with her but she just isn’t catching onto it. I really need to get her into some kind of activity. Horseback riding preferably. She loves her horses!

Justin, wow... where to start with him. He turned 1. Started crawling normal(no more commando) in December. Started standing on his own in January and now he started walking. He took his first steps last week. He has been up and down every since :) I’m so proud of him!

We have a trip planned to go to Jersey this weekend. I have two photo shoots set up there, also. I’m nervous and excited as always. I know Ill do fine but one of them is a large event. I’ve never done events. We will see how it all goes in the end :)

Ill try to blog more often. I’m just getting back into the swing of things since we are all recovering from the snow storms. Kids had 2 weeks worth of snow days!!