Letter to my child...

My dearest baby,

I don't know how to really start this letter. Ive never had to write one of its kind. It makes my heart sad that I have to and that you will never be able to read it in person. But on the other hand, it helps me to heal and I know that's what you would of wanted me to do.... I know you want me to heal.

There is so much I had planned for us. When I found out I was pregnant with you, I was in shock. Your daddy and I were not planning on having anymore babies at the time. We were lost as to what we should do. In our hearts we knew we were keeping you. It wasn't your fault mommy and daddy got careless. We loved you regardless of where we were at in our lives. Daddy made peace with the idea of a new baby and we were soon on our way to planning for you to come into our lives. We drove around and looked at mini-vans. Talked about selling cars and buying. I finally said we needed to wait before we made any big decisions. "Wait and see what happens" is what I told daddy. For some reason, in my heart I knew that you weren't going to be mine to keep. But I brushed that all aside and hoped for the best and most positive outcome. I told close friends and family about you and we began to accept the changes that were already underway for our expanding family. Ill be honest, I struggled. I wasn't ready for a new life to be in charge of. Mommy was just picking up on her business and had big plans! But I put it all aside. Those plans could wait. You were more important. You were my new goal. My new life plan. My new love.

So many thoughts and emotions ran through me as I began to dream of what was in store for us. Jade had been begging me for a baby sister so I started to plan around having a little girl. We talked about who's bedroom you were going to sleep in and we started making lists of all the things we needed. Daddy and I cleaned out the closets and put stuff aside for when you would need it. It was a huge production! Now the boxes sit in the storage room and collect dust. Boxes of what would of been.

I often wonder who you would of looked like. Your daddy has always taken the credit for your sister and brothers looks. Would you have been the little mini me? Would you have had my dark brown hair? Would you have had my round face with the "chipmunk" cheeks that my side of the family is known for? Ill never know. All I picture you as now is a soft glowing, floating  light with wings. That's how I envision angels. Soft. Glowing. Perfect shapes of energy. That was you. You were a perfect shape of energy. So perfect that God decided that he was going to keep you and use you as one of his angels for good.

I had planned out our very own maternity and newborn shoots. You would of been the most adorable little client ever! I would of painted my belly for the holidays and bought you the cutest little hair ribbons and headbands!!

It wasn't suppose to be like this, little one. You came into and left out of our lives so quickly. My heart aches every day just to feel you inside me again. You gave me purpose. I love your brothers and sister so much and they know... but there was enough love to go around for all of you and I have so much love locked inside that I never got to give out to you that my heart is over flowing. I know someday God will send us another blessing. Not to take your place, because that is impossible; but to let us know that there is still hope and that we shouldn't let this keep us from experiencing the joy of bringing your future brother or sister into the world. We love you. I love you with a deep love that only a mother can have for her child.

I know you have friends where you are. I know that my friends who have angels where you are take comfort in knowing that their babies are not alone. That they are not alone. Millions of mommies like me go through this every year. But I know, the new babies who come to you are welcomed with the most beautiful love and open arms.

You would of been a beautiful person. Your soul was strong. I felt you living inside me. We were one with one another for just a few weeks but we are joined together through our hearts for eternity.

Sweet baby, if there is something that I would want you to know, its this... no matter where I am, who I'm with and what I'm doing... you are in my head and I feel you around me every day. You pick me up when I'm down and I'm so blessed to be your mommy! You make me proud, sweet angel!

Ill write again soon. Happy Thanksgiving sweet one. You would of loved mommys turkey and daddys stuffed mushrooms. :)

I love you forever,
~Mama