You can stop now. You can stop with the fake flutters in my gut. I know its normal. I know others can relate but I dont want to do this anymore. I dont want to have to 'think' Im feeling something when I know Im not. Do you realize how much more it just pushes this dagger into my heart? Do you know how it makes me yern for those first kicks I should be feeling right now from my baby who Ill never be able to feel, see, hold, smell or kiss?? Its is pure torture.
I cry a lot still. Mostly during the days when no one is around and Justin is asleep. Its still so raw to me. 2 months is a drop in the bucket for this kind of thing. Im making progress though. I can look forward to the birth of my friends babies and not be sad. My friend Jennifer is due in March and has asked me to do maturnity and newborn photos for her. And if things work out the way we would like, I can even do her 'L&D' photos!
I will be honest, it will be bitter sweet. My due date would of been so close to hers. My due date was April 23rd. Which is also a few days prior to the anniversary death of Rob who passed on April 26th. A death which Im still not at peace with. A death where I didnt get to say goodbye again. I think those ones are the hardest. You never get that last goodbye. With Haleigh, I didnt get to see her and say my goodbye the way I wanted. She slowly slipped away from me.
Its so sad.
But Ill be okay. Every day that I wake up is another day that I heal and I know Ill be okay.
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