Its okay

Its been a struggle this last week. A lot of emotions in me with the holiday season getting underway and today I would of been 19 weeks along. I would of been finding out the sex of the baby next week(even though we all knew she was going to be a girl in our hearts). I'm having a hard time coping with this all. Cliff is right. I need to go to individual counseling. I cant find the validation I need through group sessions or even though people that I'm close to. I feel very distant from a lot of people.

I don't know why but I feel like people don't fully grasp what its like to be my age and to know that I only have so much time left before my baby making days are up. The option of "you can have more later" is one that is coming to an end for me. For a woman in her 30s, the chances of miscarriage or birth defects become a greater risk. 25% of women over 30 have a chance of miscarriage. My eggs aren't as good as they use to be and that scares me. So getting pregnant at my age vs. being in my early to mid 20s is something I take very serious. Your whole view on things like this change as you get older.

I feel guilty at times for mourning Haleighs death. Its mostly my head but its things other people say that play a part in this guilt. Everyone will mourn their loss in their own way and in their own time but what gets under my skin is how people don't understand that even though I never held my baby, never got to feel her kick or hear her heartbeat... she was still a person to me. She was very much loved and very much a wanted CHILD. Not an embryo. Not a mass of cells. She had a heart. Hands and feet. She had everything needed but what she didn't have was time. To make a person feel that their loss is less then another is wrong. And it hurts. There is no comparison to the pain a woman or a man feels when they have lost a life. Pain is pain. Grief is grief and loss is loss. It doesn't make a difference if you were 2 weeks pregnant, 15 weeks pregnant or 40 weeks pregnant, you still give birth to your child through a gush of water(my water DID break, that's the gush I felt before we left to get Robbies bike the night I started spotting) and through a mess of blood.

I feel guilty for feeling guilty.

I feel like I'm dishonoring my daughter when I let people get to me with things they say. Id never make anyone feel that way. I don't know if its just me understanding the whole pro-life side of things and how a child is formed from conception and there is no room for questioning if its a child or a bunch of cells. I get offended when someone tells me otherwise. But they have their right to their opinion and I have my right to my beliefs.

I feel guilty for having to feel like I'm in the wrong for mourning my loss as long as I have. Haleigh was someone very important to me. She was a new start. A new goal. A second chance(or 4th). A valued human. I would think its only acceptable to be able to work through the pain that was caused when I lost her. On MY time clock. And even though I don't expect people to fully understand everything, I do expect them to respect her, my family and me.

Maybe its just me. Maybe I'm just over analyzing everything lately. One day I'm fine and the next I'm angry or sad.

But today and this whole week, I just feel really alone.

But Im coming to realize... Its okay to miss her.