Our Loss is Heavens Gain. My baby got her wings.

What a roller coaster we have been on the last few days. From joy to sorrow and everything in between, Ive felt it all. Bare with me. I need to get this all out. Ill feel better. Its all part of my grief process. Its how I do.

August 23rd we found out that we were pregnant for the 4th time. At first we were not very accepting to the idea of another baby coming into our lives at this point in time. After sleeping on it over night and having some sense talked into us, we both began the process of accepting things as they were. We started looking for a bigger car, even test driving mini-vans!!!!!!!! MINI-VANS! I swore to never own one. Never been seen driving one! But there I was. Driving one and about to buy one.

We were waiting for the 'danger zone' to pass before saying anything to family and friends. Of course I called and told a few people who were close to me. I mean, how could one not! Its one of those secrets you HAVE to spill to SOMEONE!

The weeks went by and I was sooooo set and ready for my September 10th appointment for our first OB check up. Just knowing I was about to see my baby and hear her heartbeat made the days fly by. We were looking forward to it!

Thursday, September 2nd I began to have mild spotting. Just a very little amount of pink spotting. I called my OB office and they said that it was normal for some women to spot a little during early pregnancy so I just needed to rest and keep off my feet. My mother in law came in to town Friday to stay for the labor day weekend. We spent the entire weekend cleaning my house top to bottom so that if I started getting sick, everything would be done. I had been feeling wonderful the last few weeks which stuck me as odd but I wasn't complaining. I though, hey! maybe this being my last baby, maybe I will be able to actually enjoy this one instead of puking 24/7. My spotting remained the same all weekend. I tried to rest when I could.

Monday night I didn't sleep to well. I felt really uneasy and my body didn't feel right. Tuesday we woke up early and I sent the kids off on their first day of school. I sat around, threw some laundry in, picked up a little then took a nap. Woke up and went to go get the kids from school. Once I picked them up we headed to the shoe store to exchange their shoes for different sizes. Came home and had dinner. Normal day for us. Cliff came home and we headed out to again, exchange a set of Robbie's shoes. I'm a screw up. What can I say. Before we left I felt a little gush(***TMI WARNING***) and went to check my pad. There was about a teaspoon of light pink blood but nothing bright red so I just ignored it(I was debating on staying home or going) and we left. We stopped by Target to buy Jade and Robbie new bikes. I wasn't feeling too hot and was just tired. We found a bike for Jade and decided to head to Toys R Us to get Robbie's bike. I waited in the truck while the boys ran in. I started having some back pain and minor cramps. Cliff and Robbie came out and I just wanted to go home at this point. I was pretty much scared at this point but was trying my best not to think about it.

We got home and put the kids to bed. I called my OB, left a message and he called back shortly after. I explained what I had been experiencing and he said that it sounded pretty normal and that he wanted me to come in the next day for an ultrasound.

I took a shower before bed and noticed the blood had turned a little more red. It was then I really started to get scared. I knew what it meant. I just held my belly and cried in the shower. Cliff was such a saint trying to tell me that women go through this all the time and that it doesn't mean I was losing the baby. We went to bed and it was a restless night for me yet again.

We woke up around 630am and the first thing I did was go to pee. My panties were soaked in bright red blood. I knew. I called out to Cliff and told him I was losing the baby and begun to cry. He told me to not jump to conclusions. The doctors office opened at 7 and I was right on the phone when that time came. Our appointment was set. 1050am. The appointment that would determine if by baby was alive or if I had lost her. I knew in my heart that I had already lost her. A mother knows her body. A mother knows when there is life inside her and when there isn't. I felt so empty but I clung to that last moment of hope.

Cliff took the kids to school and the moment he left I went to my room and hit my knees. I begged God for my baby to be okay. I begged him. I pleaded. I cried. How could he not hear the painful cries of a mother in need? I prayed. I prayed so hard. Harder then I had ever prayed in all my life other then when Cliff was in his accident.

I jumped in the shower and got myself put back together before Cliff got back home.

We arrived at the doctors office at 1015. Again, I screwed up and thought the girl said 1015 instead of 1050. We sat in the waiting room. My rosary in hand. My thoughts on my cramping womb.

Every pregnant woman that came into the office was a dagger in my heart. Those beautiful baby bumps. Those women with a child growing, turning and living in them. It hurt. I turned to Cliff and started to cry trying to hide my pain and whispered "This waiting room is the last place I want to be right now." He offered to stay while I ran downstairs to grab a drink. I said no. I stayed. I prayed. I looked like a hot mess. Women were looking at me trying to figure out what was going on with me. I felt their glaces. They saw my pain. They whispered to their spouses and friends. Its okay. I was okay with it. I wanted to stand up and shout out to them that they should embrace the life they carried every day and never take anything for granted.

We were finally called back. The nurse took my vitals and asked the normal questions. When she got to the date of my last period question I broke again. She knew I was scared. She comforted me and said that we needed to keep hope and to focus on the positive. We waited for the ultrasound room to open up and when it did she took me and Cliff over to the room. We had Justin with us, also.

I undressed. Still bleeding. Ugh. That stupid red blood. That color. I used to like the color of a dark red. I don't like it anymore. I hate it. HATE IT!

We waited what seemed like forever. I had been in that very same room in April of 2007 when we were getting our first ultrasound of a little baby boy we like to call 'Turtle'. Yup. It was a happy room back then. Now it was a cold, unhappy place for me this day. I didn't want to be there.

The doctor finally came in. Asked a few questions and then had me lay back. (***TMI WARNING**) She needed to do an internal pelvic exam. I couldn't keep my eyes off her face. Her face was my key. Her face would tell me if we were going to be okay or if we were not going to be okay. Her face. Dr. McLeod. Ill never forget her face. She pressed against my uterus. I felt pain. I felt her fingers. I felt pain. Her face gave that look. That "yes. just as I thought." look. She looked at me and shook her head and softly said "Yeah, your already dilated and I can feel tissue right there." Just the word 'Dilated' sent me into tears. It confirmed my deepest fear. I knew it would be bad. But my body was already in the process of rejecting my baby. My 7 week old baby. My baby.

Dilated. I'm use to that word when I'm 4 weeks away from giving birth. We thrive on that last home stretch. Praying to dilate so that we can have our sweet babies we carried for 9 months in our arms.

Dilated. Passing tissue. Bleeding. The words all mushed into one when she spoke.

She then did an ultrasound. Just to confirm that there was no heartbeat. She moved the trans vaginal ultrasound wand around inside me. It hurt. I saw my uterus. She explained what we were looking at on the screen but I already knew. There was the sac. It was already partially deflated and falling in on itself.

She moved the wand some more. I saw the flicker of my artery on the screen as she explored my uterus. Then she moved it and there it was. There was my baby. A tiny little blob. Motionless. Nothing. I looked. I saw no tiny flutter of a heartbeat. The doctor didn't have to tell me. I knew. But she did her little speech anyways. She pulled the wand out and begun to explain what was going on. That there was nothing we could do. We had lost the baby.

Through my tears I asked her if we could have a couple ultrasound photos. She looked at me like I was crazy and said "Are you sure? Theres nothing there. Just dead pregnancy tissue." My heart stopped and I took a breath. I told her I was sure and that I would like her to do it. So she did. Two printed photos. One of my sac and one of the "tissue" she spoke of.

Now, let me explain a little something. Doctors are trained to see things medically. They use words like "Product of conception" and "pregnancy tissue" to describe an embryo or fetus that has passed away or has been aborted. There's a time and place for those words. This was not the time nor the place. I wanted her to go away after that. She left us alone to grieve and collect ourselves. I just wanted to go home.


She came back after what again seemed like forever and explained my options of how to carry out the miscarriage. I already knew I wanted things to happen as God intended. No medical intervention. I just wanted to go home and quietly give birth to my child. In the privacy of my own home. With my husband beside me.

I left the doctors office. Got into the hall and once again broke down crying. 'What would I tell the kids? I have to call my mother in law. I have to call my sister and brothers. God, why did this happen??'

As we were walking out of the building, Cliff walked behind me with Justin. I heard him say "Oh how sad" and then he grabbed my arm and said "look, the hummingbird is dead" to which I looked and replied "Oh great! Death all around me! I got dead things around me and in me..."(I don't see hummingbirds around here so this was a very sad thing for me on top of the already sad thing I was going through. Why would God bring such sadness upon my heart? There is a reason. I dunno what it is but there is a reason)  and once again, I broke. It was a long emotional walk back to the car. I sent my few text messages to my friend, my cousin and sister letting them know what we had just found out and headed home. Cliff followed me back. We took separate cars because he had planned on going to work after the doctors appointment. It was his last grasp at keeping faith and hope that everything was going to be fine. He wouldn't say it but that how I see it.

We came home and we laid down. He held me. We talked. Cried. Loved. Mourned. He fell asleep. I couldn't sleep. I was in pain. I was cramping pretty bad by now.

Soon it was time to go pick up the kids. He left to go get them. I put my brave mommy face on and welcomed them home. I was so tired by this point and my head felt like it was going to explode so I went to lay down and fell asleep. Cliff took them outside to ride their new bikes for a while, letting me sleep. They came in after a while and the kids ran upstairs to tell me all about how they learned to ride with no training wheels and asked me if I was proud of them. Then they started talking to my tummy. Asking the baby if it was proud of them. They didn't know. God the pain that ran through my heart. How do I tell them? What do I tell them? When do I tell them? I told them to go get cleaned up and ready for dinner. I went into the bathroom and cried. Pulled myself together and went downstairs. I whispered to Cliff that we needed to tell them and he kept saying no. Not today. He wanted to wait for the weekend. But how could I get through the next few days with them kissing my belly goodnight and talking to the baby?

Dinner time. We all sat down to eat and Robbie asked me what was wrong. I said I was just tired. He says "Oh yeah. The baby makes you tired, right?" Cliff quickly changed the subject and I got up from the table and went upstairs and once again cried. I heard Cliff talking to the kids and I knew he was telling them something. He sent the kids upstairs to give me a hug and make sure I was okay and I told them. I said that our baby was in heaven with God and she was waiting to be born at another time. Robbie was sad. He said he was really excited and really wanted another baby. I told them that mommy and daddy could make a new baby but they would have to wait a little while. I'm so blessed that my children know God and know that he is there and takes care of us. They know our baby is with him and God is keeping her until the time is right. They are good kids. They understand and are okay.

Its been an emotional roller coaster since last night. I'm okay for a little while then all of a sudden I am reminded of something I ate while I was pregnant or something I said or something I did and I feel so cheated. So cheated out of the love I was waiting for from my unborn baby. So cheated out of being able to share the love I have gained for my unborn baby over the past few weeks. Its so unfair. For all of us. We have all been cheated. My baby was cheated out of a life. My children were cheated out of a new baby sister or brother and my husband and I were cheated out of a new life we made and were suppose to bring into the world together.

I am going through all the emotions. Ive already come to terms with God taking my baby back into his keeping. All of us are on loan. He makes no promise that what was there one day will be there tomorrow.

This evening I passed part if my placenta. As traumatic as it is, I know that things are progressing and nature is taking its course. I'm waiting though. Waiting to be able to see my little one. Scared that she might fall out of me and I not know it. I don't want to flush my baby. Don't judge me!! You wouldn't either!

So I sit. And wait.