Nameless no more

The other night as we laid in bed, Cliff 99% asleep; I asked him what he would of named the baby if we would of had a girl. He said he didn't know and that we needed to talk about it the next day. Me being the persistent one kept pushing the issue and I said "you always did like the name Haleigh" so I repeated it... Baby Haleigh. I fell in love with it and laid my head down next to Cliffs back, listened to his heartbeat like I do every night and fell peacefully asleep. For the first time in a couple days, I felt no pain. Just peace.

We both agreed that it would just be 'Baby Haleigh'. No middle name. Simple and sweet.

I'm more at peace with everything today. I think Ive cried all I can cry for the time being. I know Ill have my good days and bad days but I also know Ill be okay. Cliff will be okay. My kids will be okay.

Cliff called me yesterday to ask me a very important question.

Last Friday he had gone in for his consult for a vasectomy. He had scheduled it to be done in 2 weeks. He was pretty set on making sure we wouldn't be having anymore children. He was done! This was to be the last one.

He called me and asked me if he should cancel the appointment. I told him I didn't care. I don't want to force him into feeling like he needs to have another baby with me. Yes, I was ready for another one. Yes, I protested him even getting a vasectomy in the first place but its his body. Yes, its our decision as a couple but I don't want him to hate me if I was to get pregnant again. I know he wont but its hard sometimes knowing he didn't want to have anymore kids. I think everything that has happened changed his mind. We are both feeling the loss of a new baby that we both wanted and accepted. We made things work around this new baby. Everything was going to be okay.

So, maybe in a few months or more we will see what happens. I know Ill get pregnant again. I get pregnant if he looks at me. I'm VERY fertile! Ill make sure I start taking vitamins and eating right the second I think we conceived. I know there is nothing I can do to prevent this from happening again but it cant hurt to try and do right.

Ive also decided to create a memorial garden in my backyard. There is a flower bed in my yard that has wild flowers and a bench under a tree I like. It turns gold in the fall and the flowers bloom all summer long. I think it would be perfect. Ill buy a memorial stone for Haleigh and plant a ton of butterfly plants. My little girl will have a place of her own.

My sweet baby Haleigh.