3 years... Still hurts.

I knew this was going to be hard to type up. But my heart was flowing with words and I needed to get them down on paper.

The tears a baby loss parent sheds the moment she finds out the life within her has ended is indescribable. That pain is something only a baby loss parent can understand.

The tears that are shed on the birth day of a rainbow baby, the ones you see flowing down the face of a mother who has stared death in the face...

Those tears are real pain and joy.

Pain because her heart is still broken yet mending and she mourns the child she never got to experience this with.

Joy because baby made it! Baby made it and baby is alive and there. There in flesh and there in arms reach. There to smell and kiss and hold. There to hear and see.

Just there...

 

It's so much more than what my words can offer.

So much more.

…And then I cried


Three Years ago…
When I first saw that faint pink line start to become darker, I smiled
…And then I cried.

When I noticed the pink spots, I got scared
…And then I cried. 

When I started having the pains in my back, I paced the house
…And then I cried.

 When I woke up the next morning and saw the bright red blood, I screamed out
…And then I cried.

When the doctor confirmed that there was no heartbeat, I felt my heart shatter
…And then I cried.

When I laid in bed waiting on my body to birth my tiny baby’s body, I was engulfed in grief
…And then I cried.

 
Three and a Half Years Ago…
 When I saw that pink line appear again on all 5 test, I was scared
…And then I cried.

When I tested a few days later and the test was negative, I knew
…And then I cried.

When I started bleeding, everything was confirmed
…And then I cried.


Three and a Half Years Ago…
When I felt sick at my husband’s birthday dinner, I wondered
 …But I didn’t cry. 

When I got home and my thoughts began to race, I tested
…And then I waited.

 When those pink lines appeared again, I felt discouraged
…And then I cried.

 When it was time for the first check up, I was hopefully
…And then I looked.

 When I saw that little flicker on the screen, I felt joy
…And then I cried.

 When I felt every kick, roll and hiccup the next nine months, I was happy
…But I always felt a hole in my heart.
….And sometimes I cried.

When the time came and I first laid eyes on my rainbow baby, I couldn’t explain the emotions
...And then I cried.

Today...
When September rolls around and I start to think of the baby we lost and the journey of healing and restoring light back into my life and welcoming my rainbow after the storm;  I regain new perspective, I get sad as I mourn for the children that were lost but I celebrate new beginnings after.

I sit down and write this, peel some of the scab off a healing wound making it ooze with raw emotions, feeling that pain all over again as tears burn my face
 

…And I just cry.