I've been sitting here looking at this screen. The blinking cursor. My mind is blank. You would think that I would have a ton of things to say today.
I don't. My words elude me for some reason. Ill just type and see where it takes me I guess.
I am just wrapped up in a deep sorrow that many know but rarely speak about. Its been a taboo subject for so long. Something people tell a woman she should keep to herself. Why? Why should we have to mourn in private when all the world gets to mourn in the open when someone they loved has passed away? Why is the loss of a pregnancy at any age so hush hush? It makes women feel ashamed of their pain so this needs to stop. TODAY!
Miscarriage. what does it mean? What does it feel like as the days, weeks and months wear on and the pain of what happened becomes less intense? What is the healing process like? Where am I now a year later?
A miscarriage is the loss of a pregnancy before 20 weeks gestation.
A miscarriage is also the loss of a child.
A miscarriage is being robbed of something so precious. So innocent.
A miscarriage is being cheated out of a future.
A miscarriage is being cheated out of a child.
A miscarriage is being cheated out of dreams. Dreams for your growing family. Dreams for your lost child.
A miscarriage is being cheated out of a sibling(for those of us who have older kids).
A miscarriage is labor.
A miscarriage is pain.
A miscarriage is death.
As many of you know, I lost our little one at 7 weeks 5 days gestation, 1 year ago today. We found out we were pregnant 2 weeks prior and we were so excited after the initial shock of another baby coming into our lives wore off. I already had a love for this baby that only a new mother could have. We told the kids. Told our friends and told our family. Excitement all around!
I still was a bit apprehensive. There is always a lingering thought in the back of a woman's head. "What if..." What if the pregnancy doesn't progress past the 1st trimester? What if something goes wrong? You try so hard to push those thoughts out of your head and just pray and live each day as it passes. Thanking God for another day with your little one growing safely inside you.
Then it happens. For me, I started spotting on a Thursday. Then I started bleeding on a Tuesday morning. Then the ultrasound that confirmed our greatest fear. And the words "I'm so sorry" that come from the doctors mouth. I do not think I have ever experienced a heartbreak in my life that can compare to the one I experienced that morning. A part of me was lost. Forever.
"I do not know why you're so upset. You weren't even that far along!" "Why are you taking it so hard?" - Those are the words people said to me after I announced to my close friends what had happened that morning and began my grieving process in the days that followed.
A little background about me and why it is so upsetting when someone loses a child early on in a pregnancy. I am Pro-life. Like hardcore Pro-life. I believe that once an egg and sperm meet, that is it. A child has been created. A new human is being put together once cell at a time. There is no embryo or fetus to me. It's a baby. I value the lives of all living things. Especially a newly made child. Each one of my children was created in love. Each one is loved from the first moment I knew about them being inside me. That is why I take it hard when someone, especially me loses a child to miscarriage.
So why was I taking it so hard? I wanted my baby and my baby was not there anymore. Me and my husband wanted our baby but our baby was not there anymore. My children wanted their sibling but their sibling was not there anymore. We lost someone very important to our family.
I was not that far along. But that does not lessen the value of that little baby's life to me or my family.
That is like telling an artist who has started creating a masterpiece that "it was not that far along" after something has destroyed it. There was work put into creating it. Hard work. Hours of work. Do not cheapen another persons masterpiece simply because of how incomplete it was.
In fact, those words that were told to me, should have never been spoken. EVER. You do not know how badly they cut into an already bleeding heart. And you will never know what a jerk you look like after saying that to someone who has lost a child. If you do not know what to say, just a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" will do.
The last year has been full of ups and downs. With Haleigh's passing, we learned that we cant take anything for granted. We learned that each one of us is on loan and can be called up at any point in time. I learned that with every day comes a new beginning. A new chance at working past the pain I feel and turning it into something positive.
I wont lie. There are days I jump in the shower and just cry. You never get past the sadness or the hurt of your little one not being in your arms. You just learn to make it work on your schedule. You gain a small portion of control over it. But sometimes, it can get the upper hand and those times are the times you need a little nudge. I thank God for my family and friends who have helped me through those dark days.
My kids and husband have helped me through the worst of it all. And earlier this year we were blessed to find out that we are expecting our rainbow baby early December.
Angel baby brought Rainbow baby to us. Had Angel baby waited to pass on a week later, her dad would of been fixed. There would be no rainbow after the storm. Just empty, grey clouds.
Baby L and Haleigh already conspired together long before we knew about baby L lol That's my girls!
I know this seems like a novel. It probably is in some ways. But I don't want Haleigh to ever be forgotten. She is a very important piece in my life that I'm halfway missing and is halfway always there.
Those of you going through a miscarriage or that have gone through one recently, there is a silver lining. You just have to give it time. Do not rush your grief process and do not let anyone tell you that you should be 'getting over it' or some insensitive rubbish like that.
You have every right to take as much time as you need. You have every right to be sad. You have every right to post, write and tell the world about your baby's story.
After all, your baby is just as important as the next baby who is waiting to be born, is being born or has been born.
***To my friends and family;
Thank you all. Your support over the last year has helped me through my healing process. I know it is an awkward subject but society did that. What a great injustice to grieving mothers and fathers worldwide. We need to break that chain and let the world know that parents of angel babies deserve to be recognized and their babies deserve to be mourned just like any other loss of human life.
Please take a moment to remember all the little ones taken from us too soon.
I love you all.
