Open Letter to my Husband

My Dearest Husband,

First, I have to commend you on your faithful duty to me and our children. You've always been a man who has taken care of us in the most trying of times and in times of easy going. You work hard to keep a roof over our heads by commuting to work and spending long days in the office racking your brain over the technology that runs this great nations embassies worldwide and so on. You come home and spend weekends and some week days fixing the house and working hard in the yard to make our home beautiful. I love you for this. I never ask you for anything more than you can provide and I never will. You provide a sense of security for us and I love that about you. Thank you for being there for me. For being a good daddy for our babies.I appreciate all that you do to make our lives as fruitful as it is. And I appreciate all the hard work you put into everything. When you do something, you do it with 110% behind it.

Now that I got that out of the way, I want to explain to you why you got attitude from me when you asked me if I had gone to the store yet and I said no and that I hadn't had the time to get out of the house yet and you responded with your typical remark which sparked my bitch burner to heat up. And why when you ask me 'what did you do today?' I shut down and get mad.

A typical day for me starts around 430am when Lily wakes up for the 10th time in a night for a comfort feeding. We doze back off to sleep until your alarm goes off for work and you get up and ready for the day. Typically I am in and out of sleep during this time. Shortly after you leave Lily is up for the next few hours. Then around 730am the other kids start to awaken. Breakfast is made. Be it in a microwave or on the stove, I HAVE to get up and make sure no ones catching their pancakes on fire in the microwave and if someone wants bacon and eggs, I have to make it. So your theory on me just letting the kids run wild and free is debunked. By the time breakfast is over and the messes cleaned up(for the most part) its 9am.

Lily typically doesn't do naps anymore. She is either clung to me, on my boob or in her chair while I try and scramble to do what little I can do before she realizes 'hey! Moms not holding me!!' and starts to scream. You've witnessed this first hand. If she does go down, its for about 30 minutes and then she is up again looking for me. Sometimes I get a quick shower in, sometimes I don't.

By 11am I remember that I need to make a store run. I also need to make lunch for the kids.

After a quick lunch, I start to get the kids ready 1 by one. Find each one an outfit then socks then chase Justin around to get his shirt on, make sure the older two arent killing one another over whose DS game is being played by who, chase Justin around some more to get his shorts on then trying to find where each one of them kicked off their shoes. Usually there is a shoe on each floor of the house. I dont know how they manage that but there they are. Once shoes are put on I go to nurse Lily so she isnt hungry when we are out and I dont have to worry about a screaming baby in the store while trying to manage 3 other kids asking me for everything under the sun, throwing tantrums and trying my patience. Anyways, I nurse her for 10-15 minutes then change her diaper.

By this time I realize I have to get myself ready. Remember, I probably havent even showered by this point so I jump in real quick, jump out and struggle to find something that fits me. Its great to give up my comforts so that you and the kids are clothed with new stuff. 1 less person to worry about(me) so that you guys can have clothing that fits. I find something that fits finally. Throw it on, throw my shoes on get Lily in her carseat, grab my bag which is missing like ten things I need to search for(spare diaper, wallet, wipes), then I realize my keys arent where they should be(totally my own fault) so now I have to have a hunt to find them taking every 3 minutes to retrace my steps from the night before. Finally after 5-10 minutes I find them. By this time its 200pm.

I load the circus up into the car. Off we go!

Once we get to the store I take 2 minutes to take a deep breath and remind the kids of the store rules.

You break it you buy it.
No running around.
No touching.
No begging.
No screaming.
Stay close to mom.
Manners.

Once I get an okay from all three of them I unload the car, then battle it out with them when they start asking if they can grab the small kid cart. NO MEANS NO! Now comes the fun part. I put Lily into the main part of the cart. If you read this http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/118/2/e545.full you will understand my reason behind this and why this is now a regular thing for me to do when I shop anywhere with her. We enter the store and within seconds the kids have headed straight for the toy display that they have set up with all the sun and sand items. Im in my calm mode and say they need to come back to me and remind them of the rules. Before we even reach the bread isle, the kids are asking for donuts. No. Moving over to the milk, they ask for yougurt. Okay, pick what you want. A fight ensues as to which one is going to pick out what flavor and who is going to get what kind. I finally get tired of the bickering and tell them all to pick their own box out. Moving on. Somehow Im managing to fit all the items Im picking up so far in the cart around Lily. Doing good with the kids under control.

Oh crap, the toy isle again! With the smores supplies out front. God hates me(not really, but I know he is laughing).

The begging begins again. NO! And we move on after 5 minutes of 'can I have this?' 'can we buy this?' Half way through the store Justin begins to get tired and plops himself on the floor and refuses to get up. Oh god Im one of those moms with one of those kids. I plead peacefully for him to get up. I bribe him! Finally I pick him up and carry him on my hip. Lily is starting to get fussy by now. My nerves are starting to become unraveled but Im still holding it together.

My ability to push a cart and carry a 3 year old amazes me. By this time the cart is starting to get a tad bit full. I put Justin down, take Lily and her car seat out and carry it while one of the kids pushes the cart. Finally we reach the end of the store and get our produce and head to check out.

Of course everyone else has to be checking out at the same time as me so there is a line. I pick one. 5 people in it. Seems easy enough. 2 people taken care of. Then it happens. The light begins to blink. Someone needs a manager! A coupon didnt take. GOD FORBID YOU DONT GET YOUR .75 CENTS OFF YOUR DAMN CHIPS!!!! Oh and theres always someone with WIC that didnt get the right amount, right products or something that holds the line up.

Kids start to wander again. Lily at this point is not happy. 20 minutes later its our turn. I unload everything onto the check out belt and try to manage the kids who now want candy. NO! I tell them to go wait at the end of the checkout stand and put the bags in the cart.

Lily is now screaming. Justin almost got hit by a cart going after Robbie and Jade who have walked off to look at the candy machines. The check out clerk is slower than molasses. Finally its time to slide the card and gather the younglings. We make it out to the car and load up. Head home.

By this time I have a headache from Lily screaming her head off. She hungry, wet and just pissed. Justin is probably mad at me for something or falling asleep in the back and the other two have managed to find something new to fight about.

I pull into the drive and start to unload the bags. Lily is still screaming which in turn makes me SUPER stressed because my mommy senses are working against my brain which is telling me 'groceries will go bad if you dont get them in'. So I get them all inside. Pick up Lily, feed her for a few minutes, change her and then try to put things away AS Im breastfeeding her so that nothing melts or goes bad. I leave all the pantry stuff on the floor to put away later.

You get home shortly after and look around the house and see that nothing was picked up from this morning and give me that look and ask that question... What Did You Do All Day?

So before the next time you ask me that question, you need to be sure you are ready for the answer and the backlash that comes from a mother who is one string away from breaking down.

Struggling...drowning

 **Contains strong language. NSFC**

The last 3 weeks have been awful. Ive been feeling myself slip deeper and deeper into this fucking depression and I cannot stop myself no matter how hard Ive been trying.

Every time I felt like I was coming out of it, something else happened and its like a kick to the rib cage when Im already down.

Why does this happen to me?

Why?

Why cant I just have a baby and just be normal after?

Why do I have to endure a fucking year and a half of feeling like the world is the darkest place to be and I just want to escape it?

Why cant my body just allow me to be happy?

I have SO many beautiful reasons to keep on living for but I feel like I'm barely treading water and that I cannot fully enjoy these blessings.

Its a dark place to be.

Its a cold place to be.

I'm sad. I cry almost 50% of my day for nothing. I feel so alone at times.

Im tired. Its exhausting on my body. It hurts at times, too. I physically feel sick. I try to maintain my eating. I have to eat but some days I just am not hungry so I have to force myself. I have a baby to nurse. I do it for her.

I'm angry. Angry that I'm letting this consume me again. I cannot help it though. People tell me to just get better or go get help. I have gotten help. Know where that got me? NO WHERE. It got me a bill for a woman who didn't even really care.

My husband doesn't understand. I can only tell him so much before I get angry at him for not validating me and how I feel. Somehow it becomes a competition of 'who has it worse' between him and I. It doesn't help.

Med? No. Why should I take pills to kill off symptoms that will only lead me to ignore the cause?

I have my friends but its hard to find anyone who can truly relate to what postpartum depression or even severe depression feels like. Who wont judge you. Who wont call you unstable or think you have mental issues. Who wont discuss what you've told them with others who really do not need to know your business.

Why am I blogging then, you ask?

Because. I'm tired of holding back this freaking landslide. If I do not release some pressure, Ill break. If blogging it is releasing it, then I'm safe.

Do not judge me for this post. Unless you've been in the shoes of someone who has been through this horrible fucked up illness you have no right. If you do, you are just as fucked in the head as I am.

I just want it to go away.

I just want to be happy again.

Stop kicking me while Im down.

Im not dead, just keeping busy...

I feel like I haven't blogged in forever.

Oh look at that... its HAS been a while LOL

Motherhood will really put blogging as a last priority. It has been non-stop around here. While Im exhausted(understatement), I honestly love how busy I am.

Robbie is now 10. 10!! A decade since that little man arrived turning me into a mother. Unbelievable! Well, its believable but its surreal! Not a day goes by that I dont stop and hug my Robbie and thank him for coming into my life. He has been enjoying chorus at his school and has been making great progress in school! Next year is his LAST YEAR IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!!!!!!!!! Oh man. Im so not ready for this!

Jade turned 7 last August. That girl shines brighter then any star! Her personality has really come to the surface the last few months. Really! She has me busting up all the time. But she is totally a daddys girl. Jealous much? Um, YES! lol

Justin... oh my beautiful baby boy. 3 years old now. So handsome. So strong. Such an active kid. He is always GO GO GO GO GO! And SO determined to do things HIS way on HIS time. The battles that I have with him always end in smooches and giggles but Ill be darned if he doesnt make me want to pull my hair out! He starts kindergarten in 2013. I feel like time is just going too fast. Where did my baby go?! Who is this toddler taking over?!?!

Then there is my Lily. My sweet little flower. So beautiful. So small. So smart. Ive said it before, she is the BEST baby by far out of the 4. I have no complaints(other then her gassy baby issues lol girl can clear a room!). She is just so content in life.

Cliff is still working. Nothing much changing with him.

Ive been doing fairly well. I put photography on the back burner until Lily is a little bit older. In the mean time, I started heart in hand crafts. Ive taken up sewing and people actually like my stuff! I have a new addiction and its fabric lol

Ive been trying to keep my days very busy this month. What would of been Haleighs due date is coming up on the 22nd and its just a rough month and reminder of the sweet baby we never got to hold in our arms but now hold in our hearts. I miss her every single day. The pain is still unbearable at times but I know she is with me so I take comfort in that.

I also have Robs angel-versary on the 26th. We lost a good Marine and a good man that day.

The house is coming along great. We have been redoing the pond out back so its been nonstop digging, mud, dirt and slate the last 2 weekends. Huge project but its coming along great.

Thats pretty much it. Life is good.