**Contains strong language. NSFC**
The last 3 weeks have been awful. Ive been feeling myself slip deeper and deeper into this fucking depression and I cannot stop myself no matter how hard Ive been trying.
Every time I felt like I was coming out of it, something else happened and its like a kick to the rib cage when Im already down.
Why does this happen to me?
Why?
Why cant I just have a baby and just be normal after?
Why do I have to endure a fucking year and a half of feeling like the world is the darkest place to be and I just want to escape it?
Why cant my body just allow me to be happy?
I have SO many beautiful reasons to keep on living for but I feel like I'm barely treading water and that I cannot fully enjoy these blessings.
Its a dark place to be.
Its a cold place to be.
I'm sad. I cry almost 50% of my day for nothing. I feel so alone at times.
Im tired. Its exhausting on my body. It hurts at times, too. I physically feel sick. I try to maintain my eating. I have to eat but some days I just am not hungry so I have to force myself. I have a baby to nurse. I do it for her.
I'm angry. Angry that I'm letting this consume me again. I cannot help it though. People tell me to just get better or go get help. I have gotten help. Know where that got me? NO WHERE. It got me a bill for a woman who didn't even really care.
My husband doesn't understand. I can only tell him so much before I get angry at him for not validating me and how I feel. Somehow it becomes a competition of 'who has it worse' between him and I. It doesn't help.
Med? No. Why should I take pills to kill off symptoms that will only lead me to ignore the cause?
I have my friends but its hard to find anyone who can truly relate to what postpartum depression or even severe depression feels like. Who wont judge you. Who wont call you unstable or think you have mental issues. Who wont discuss what you've told them with others who really do not need to know your business.
Why am I blogging then, you ask?
Because. I'm tired of holding back this freaking landslide. If I do not release some pressure, Ill break. If blogging it is releasing it, then I'm safe.
Do not judge me for this post. Unless you've been in the shoes of someone who has been through this horrible fucked up illness you have no right. If you do, you are just as fucked in the head as I am.
I just want it to go away.
I just want to be happy again.
Stop kicking me while Im down.
