Fill in the blank Friday!

I was going to blog about something totally not fun but decided it can wait for later when I gather my thoughts about what I need to write.

For now I will follow my blogger babes leads :)


1. If my house was on fire and I could only grab 3 things I would grab my photo box, Haleighs' memory box that has her only ultrasound pictures and my car keys because I need a place to put my kids!

2. A smell I really like is fresh cut grass. When I was pregnant during the summers, it was the one smell that helped my constant nausea. Its kind of stuck with me since as something I love to smell.

3. Something you might not know about me is I was severely abused as a child up until I was 12 and put into the foster system.

4. Some of my favorite websites to putter about on are Hyperbole and a Half, I Heart Faces Photography, the unnecessarian, and a few other miscarriage sites that have been SO helpful for me over the last 4 months.

5. This weekend I will be cleaning house and designing logo/watermarks. I seem to have unlocked another talent in my talent tree! (If you know what World of Warcraft is about, you'll understand that reference!)

6. Nothing makes me happier than hearing my husband tell me how proud he is of me and how he thinks I should be selling my designs. I honestly LOVE hearing that from him! Makes me feel like Im doing something finally with myself and I love the support he has offered with my photography business!

7. A bad habit I have is not doing the dishes. I HATE, HATE, HATE dish duty. And I HATE when my husband makes dinner and makes a billion dishes and doesn't wash them. M hands are really sensitive to the dish detergent and break out in little water blisters a day after washing a sink full of dishes. It sucks! I also tend to sleep in til 8AM on school days but somehow manage to get the kids dressed, fed and out the door by 8:35 every morning lol Oh and Laundry.. HATE IT! And I dont do windows! LOL (this said bad 'habit' and not habits, didnt it?)

"Hope for the Day" from SilentGrief.com‏

(I get these in my email box. They are very inspirational and they have helped me so much as has the website. I recommend it for anyone who has experienced the loss of a pregnancy or child.)

January 14, 2011

A new year has begun, and yet we find ourselves feeling the same

pangs of emptiness and loss as we did the year before.  And, so we

ask, "How does one begin anew when the heart has been taken out

of life?"  That is the question every parent asks when a child dies.

"How?  How does one begin anew?"

When our heart has been broken, we don't have answers - at least

not answers that make any sense.  And, so in our desperation and

brokenness, we turn to God for our help.  We look to the only One who

can give us the hope and the reason to go on.

Practice this exercise faithfully for the next 30 days and you will

begin to notice small, subtle changes that will eventually give you

back your heart.  Say "thank you" aloud for five blessings each day.

Take ten minutes to experience nature - listen to the birds singing

their morning praises, experience the miracle of the rising sun, gaze

at the twinkling stars in the moonlit sky.  Memorize five verses

from the Psalms - healing verses that tell of God's mighty power

and His infinite love for you.

At the end of 30 days, you will desire to continue this practice for

another 30 days, and another, and another all throughout the year

as this is your way of feeding your soul and bringing life back

into your once empty heart!  -- Clara Hinton

"Life has a way of bringing you back to places you thought were

forever forgotten."  --Clara Hinton

"Cease striving and know that I am God."  -- Psalm 46:10a

---------------
Clara Hinton
Site Founder/Author, Speaker, Workshop Leader
Visit Silent Grief for articles, resources, message boards, and additional support for healing through loss.
Also Visit www.clarahinton.com for information about Grief Relief, Resiliency, and a free weekly subscription to Weekly Focus.
Clara Hinton - Site Founder, Author, and Speaker




(I got the following one on  my birthday. It was needed and God knew it.)

December 2, 2010

The pain of loss is something that cannot be explained by

words alone.  How does one explain a pain that runs so deep

that it makes the heart bleed?  How does one tell others what

it feels like to have a cloud always hovering above with reminders

of the life that no longer exists as we once knew it?  How

can we possibly share the personal pain we feel to the extent

that others understand?  It cannot be done.  Grief is too personal.

How then do we move forward?  How do we find our place in

our new world - the world that has been created by our loss?

How can we find a way to bring joy back into our hearts that

hurt so much each day?  Is it even possible to reclaim joy?

This world is full of pain and grief.  That is a fact.  But, it is

also brimming over with joy and blessings.  When we are in

the pits of grief, we feel alone and abandoned by all blessings.

But, as we allow hope to ignite within us, it acts as a magnet

drawing the blessings of life closer and closer to us until finally

we reach that point where we can see joy again.  No longer does

grief rule our lives.  It is there.  We will always feel that sting of

loss, but no longer will it govern our every thought and action.

Hope is alive, and it is bigger than any pain we are feeling right

now!  Cling to hope and it will ignite a fire within your heart

so that you can find your way out of the darkness into light! -C. Hinton

"Be still and allow the hope within to warm your heart with joy."  --Clara Hinton

"The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer."  -- Psalm 18:2:a

If only in my dreams...

I had the most amazing dream last night. Its so vivid and I felt awesome and so thankful when I woke up. They say that loved ones who pass come back to visit us. Be it through dreams, smells, subtle touches, visions, etc... they come back to let you know they are okay. To some it may sound crazy but to me, its very real and I very much believe in it.

It was like I was there. Running in a sunny field with long grass and butterflies everywhere, behind 2 young children. One was a girl who looked to be about 6 or 7 and one was a boy who looked a little older. I never saw the boy since his back was always turned towards me as we ran together. The girl would turn and run backwards and smile the most beautiful smile and laugh. She has long curly, dirty blond hair. A beautiful pure white complexion. Her eyes were this beautiful almond shaped. Brown colored. 

My little girl is happy and I'm almost 100% sure that the little boy running with us was our other little one we lost to a blighted ovum a few years back. My babies are free and happy. Running in a field of unforgotten dreams.

This gives me hope that someday I will be reunited with them again.

A BIG decision...

I was doing a lot of thinking over the weekend and after talking to 2 of my good friends about kids, I came to realize somethings about well, me. Most of it had to do with what I want to get out of myself in the future. Career. Schooling. Free time. The subject of more kids came to question. I thought about it. For as much as I want another baby, is it really what I NEED?

Do I need another baby? The answer I came up with, No. I don't.

Do I want another baby? Yes. I would LOVE another baby!

Do I need another mouth to feed? Another body to clothe? More diapers to change? Another Crib? MORE responsibility? No. I don't. We could not comfortably afford another baby and be able to give my 3 already existing children what we would like to give them. It would be a tight fit in this 3 bedroom house. 3 kids is a huge responsibility already. One Im SO blessed with but at times I can be overwhelmed. Its not easy.

This weekend gave me a glimpse of what I could be enjoying more often. I had a GREAT weekend with just ME. I left my kids at home with their dad and took off to DC for the night. Something I wouldnt be able to do for a long time if another baby came into the picture.

I wouldnt be able to focus on my schooling or my career. I mean, I cant bring a newborn on photo shoots! Imagine pushing around a stroller trying to be professional. Not ganna happen.

I probably sound a bit selfish. In a way I am. Ive devoted 24 years of helping others(started back when I was 6 and I had to be in charge of my brothers and sisters). Ive always placed my best foot forward so that others can be happy. But what about ME? When am I going to place my best foot forward for myself?

I think I shall start today. Well technically I started this weekend lol I did everything this weekend for ME. Not for the kids. Not for Cliff. I had MY fun. In MY way. The way I like it.

So the conclusion of this all....

A new baby would be a great addition to my life. But right now, a new baby is not something I NEED in my life. So all my TTC worries are now over for the time being.

Its time I redirect my energy on bettering myself so that I can be the best for my kids and if there comes a time where Im ready to bring a new baby into the picture, Id want to be the best I could be for him/her.

PASS!

So, last night was a nice night. Me and hubs baby danced. But this time around I asked him to use protection. He was puzzled. Poor guy. He was like "you don't want to get pregnant????" to which I responded "not right now." Bless his heart. Just the way he said it.

I need to wait another month or two. I'm sure he understands. Until then, no more having to worry about opks and BFP/BFN and stressing that 2 weeks before you can test.

TTC isnt easy man! Time to take a break and just enjoy some good old sex LOL

Happy Angel-versary Nani

Yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of my cousin Henrys death. A VERY emotional day for me.

Henry was one of my best friends growing up. As cousins, we did EVERYTHING together. Even went to the same school, spent every summer with at our Aunts house and I so admired him for everything he ever did in his short life.

He was on loan to us. God had plans for him to make a difference in peoples lives and when he fulfilled that task, God called him back home. He was given 5 years to live after his heart transplant and God let us have him for 9. 4 more years then what the doctors predicted.

I miss him so much. I'm at peace with the idea he is up in heaven taking care of my little ones with my other relatives.

Love you guys so much! Cant wait to see you again in heaven!