I was doing a lot of thinking over the weekend and after talking to 2 of my good friends about kids, I came to realize somethings about well, me. Most of it had to do with what I want to get out of myself in the future. Career. Schooling. Free time. The subject of more kids came to question. I thought about it. For as much as I want another baby, is it really what I NEED?
Do I need another baby? The answer I came up with, No. I don't.
Do I want another baby? Yes. I would LOVE another baby!
Do I need another mouth to feed? Another body to clothe? More diapers to change? Another Crib? MORE responsibility? No. I don't. We could not comfortably afford another baby and be able to give my 3 already existing children what we would like to give them. It would be a tight fit in this 3 bedroom house. 3 kids is a huge responsibility already. One Im SO blessed with but at times I can be overwhelmed. Its not easy.
This weekend gave me a glimpse of what I could be enjoying more often. I had a GREAT weekend with just ME. I left my kids at home with their dad and took off to DC for the night. Something I wouldnt be able to do for a long time if another baby came into the picture.
I wouldnt be able to focus on my schooling or my career. I mean, I cant bring a newborn on photo shoots! Imagine pushing around a stroller trying to be professional. Not ganna happen.
I probably sound a bit selfish. In a way I am. Ive devoted 24 years of helping others(started back when I was 6 and I had to be in charge of my brothers and sisters). Ive always placed my best foot forward so that others can be happy. But what about ME? When am I going to place my best foot forward for myself?
I think I shall start today. Well technically I started this weekend lol I did everything this weekend for ME. Not for the kids. Not for Cliff. I had MY fun. In MY way. The way I like it.
So the conclusion of this all....
A new baby would be a great addition to my life. But right now, a new baby is not something I NEED in my life. So all my TTC worries are now over for the time being.
Its time I redirect my energy on bettering myself so that I can be the best for my kids and if there comes a time where Im ready to bring a new baby into the picture, Id want to be the best I could be for him/her.
Raquel- I totally feel you. I've been struggling with this ever since we went home for Christmas. While we could financially afford another baby it will still put a lot of stress on us. At the same time, Lizzie will be starting school soon and I just feel like if we have another baby I will be starting back at day 1 all over again. Like you, I feel selfish. I feel selfish because I want that free time while she's at school to go to college myself. I feel like I give and give and give and compromise so much that it's time to do something for ME. I'm sure once I get into school and start feeling a little more balanced we will start talking babies again, but for now, I'd like to keep it on the back burner. It makes me feel bad but at the same time, a baby is such a huge decision. I don't want to have another one until I am one million percent sure about it.
ReplyDeleteMaybe moving to Maryland won't be so bad (I'm having a hard time with it lately)...it seems like we have a lot in common and we won't be that far away from each other. :)
I think it's a great decision! Taking care of you is how a Mother becomes a better Mommy. You've been blessed with so much already and I think if the Lord blesses you with another baby, that's wonderful, but if not than you have still been more than blessed. Look at the sweet faces you already have? The more babies you have, the more you have to spread yourself around. My mom always said she had two kids. One for each arm. Now, I don't necessarily agree with that, but the older your kids become the harder it is to be as involved with them if you have more kids. Jade will want you to go shopping with her alone and you'll probably already be juggling sports games and practices with the boys and her! You've got to always take care of number one or you'll be worthless to everyone who counts on you.
ReplyDeleteAlways listen to God when He speaks. He always know what's best, and I think He is truly telling you in God fashion to take care of yourself and do for yourself!! Now go have some fun and get your hair did!!! :)
xoxox