The "M" word.

This is going to be a hard and personal subject to blog about, but today I am really down and my brain goes to dark places when that happens. I haven’t ever really talked about this before with many people. My husband and I haven’t even talked about it in deept. I don’t even know why.

This will be a bit TMI so if you don’t want to read it then go somewhere else...

A few years back, my husband was on a business trip. Things were crazy around here like always. I don’t know exactly what happened but I had been feeling off a little. I thought it was just lack of sleep or whatever because I don’t sleep when he isn’t home. I also thought maybe I was going to be starting my period because I had been cramping. I didn’t have a normal monthly period so I was kind of like whatever, if it comes it comes.

I had gone into the bathroom to pee. I pee and go to wipe. When I did, something didn’t feel right. I look and there is a big mass of some sort that had come out of me. I kind of freaked out because it wasn’t a blood clot or anything. I’ve been in the medical field for a while now so I know what is and isn’t normal. I looked at it and it looked like a sac of some kind and I knew. I called my cousin, who is an RN. I asked her what I should do. She told me to go see the doctor. I put the sac in a plastic baggy and put it in a brown paper bag and in my fridge (human tissue deteriorates and cells die faster is not refrigerated properly and quickly so it makes it hard for doctors to diagnose things). Cliff had called later that night and I had told him what happened. I didn’t know how to react to something like that. I was sad. I was in shock. I was clueless. He didn’t know how to comfort me from the other side of the world.

It was a blighted ovum. I miscarried a baby that I didn’t even know was and had stopped growing in me.

"A blighted ovum is a type of miscarriage in which the baby either never develops or stops growing at a very early stage in pregnancy and then disintegrates -- but a gestational sac does develop and the body does not recognize that the baby is missing. A blighted ovum can also be miscarried naturally, in which case the woman would have typical miscarriage symptoms."

I guess it didn’t really hit me till later. At the time it happened I had to focus on the two other kids because Cliff was gone and I was playing "Mommy-Daddy". I couldn’t think about what had just happened.

I guess I still haven’t really sat down and grieved. Why grieve for something like that? Well, regardless on if there was or wasn’t a baby visible, conception happened. Egg and Sperm join creating living cells that would have someday been a baby. Life was made and life was lost. No reason behind it. Just that it happened.

The loss of a pregnancy at any stage is devastating.

I guess I never wanted to come terms with it all until recently. So much change is going on and I sit and think of the “what if” stuff.

But that’s my story. I know so many women who have miscarried a pregnancy. It’s hard but I know that I’m not alone out there in the pain I’m feeling.