The Ad

I keep seeing this ad everytime I log into facebook and its driving me CRAZY! I get so sad when I see it.

Why do I get sad?? Because I found out that we lost Haleigh at exactly 7 1/2 weeks. It reminds me of the perfect little human she was becoming.

Its just frustrating. I wish FB didnt allow advertisers to use info from our profiles to target its users for specific ads. If you havent noticed by now, this is exactly what they do. How else would the grants for military wives know you are a military wife and put an ad up specifically for military wives?

Its okay

Its been a struggle this last week. A lot of emotions in me with the holiday season getting underway and today I would of been 19 weeks along. I would of been finding out the sex of the baby next week(even though we all knew she was going to be a girl in our hearts). I'm having a hard time coping with this all. Cliff is right. I need to go to individual counseling. I cant find the validation I need through group sessions or even though people that I'm close to. I feel very distant from a lot of people.

I don't know why but I feel like people don't fully grasp what its like to be my age and to know that I only have so much time left before my baby making days are up. The option of "you can have more later" is one that is coming to an end for me. For a woman in her 30s, the chances of miscarriage or birth defects become a greater risk. 25% of women over 30 have a chance of miscarriage. My eggs aren't as good as they use to be and that scares me. So getting pregnant at my age vs. being in my early to mid 20s is something I take very serious. Your whole view on things like this change as you get older.

I feel guilty at times for mourning Haleighs death. Its mostly my head but its things other people say that play a part in this guilt. Everyone will mourn their loss in their own way and in their own time but what gets under my skin is how people don't understand that even though I never held my baby, never got to feel her kick or hear her heartbeat... she was still a person to me. She was very much loved and very much a wanted CHILD. Not an embryo. Not a mass of cells. She had a heart. Hands and feet. She had everything needed but what she didn't have was time. To make a person feel that their loss is less then another is wrong. And it hurts. There is no comparison to the pain a woman or a man feels when they have lost a life. Pain is pain. Grief is grief and loss is loss. It doesn't make a difference if you were 2 weeks pregnant, 15 weeks pregnant or 40 weeks pregnant, you still give birth to your child through a gush of water(my water DID break, that's the gush I felt before we left to get Robbies bike the night I started spotting) and through a mess of blood.

I feel guilty for feeling guilty.

I feel like I'm dishonoring my daughter when I let people get to me with things they say. Id never make anyone feel that way. I don't know if its just me understanding the whole pro-life side of things and how a child is formed from conception and there is no room for questioning if its a child or a bunch of cells. I get offended when someone tells me otherwise. But they have their right to their opinion and I have my right to my beliefs.

I feel guilty for having to feel like I'm in the wrong for mourning my loss as long as I have. Haleigh was someone very important to me. She was a new start. A new goal. A second chance(or 4th). A valued human. I would think its only acceptable to be able to work through the pain that was caused when I lost her. On MY time clock. And even though I don't expect people to fully understand everything, I do expect them to respect her, my family and me.

Maybe its just me. Maybe I'm just over analyzing everything lately. One day I'm fine and the next I'm angry or sad.

But today and this whole week, I just feel really alone.

But Im coming to realize... Its okay to miss her.

Letter to my child...

My dearest baby,

I don't know how to really start this letter. Ive never had to write one of its kind. It makes my heart sad that I have to and that you will never be able to read it in person. But on the other hand, it helps me to heal and I know that's what you would of wanted me to do.... I know you want me to heal.

There is so much I had planned for us. When I found out I was pregnant with you, I was in shock. Your daddy and I were not planning on having anymore babies at the time. We were lost as to what we should do. In our hearts we knew we were keeping you. It wasn't your fault mommy and daddy got careless. We loved you regardless of where we were at in our lives. Daddy made peace with the idea of a new baby and we were soon on our way to planning for you to come into our lives. We drove around and looked at mini-vans. Talked about selling cars and buying. I finally said we needed to wait before we made any big decisions. "Wait and see what happens" is what I told daddy. For some reason, in my heart I knew that you weren't going to be mine to keep. But I brushed that all aside and hoped for the best and most positive outcome. I told close friends and family about you and we began to accept the changes that were already underway for our expanding family. Ill be honest, I struggled. I wasn't ready for a new life to be in charge of. Mommy was just picking up on her business and had big plans! But I put it all aside. Those plans could wait. You were more important. You were my new goal. My new life plan. My new love.

So many thoughts and emotions ran through me as I began to dream of what was in store for us. Jade had been begging me for a baby sister so I started to plan around having a little girl. We talked about who's bedroom you were going to sleep in and we started making lists of all the things we needed. Daddy and I cleaned out the closets and put stuff aside for when you would need it. It was a huge production! Now the boxes sit in the storage room and collect dust. Boxes of what would of been.

I often wonder who you would of looked like. Your daddy has always taken the credit for your sister and brothers looks. Would you have been the little mini me? Would you have had my dark brown hair? Would you have had my round face with the "chipmunk" cheeks that my side of the family is known for? Ill never know. All I picture you as now is a soft glowing, floating  light with wings. That's how I envision angels. Soft. Glowing. Perfect shapes of energy. That was you. You were a perfect shape of energy. So perfect that God decided that he was going to keep you and use you as one of his angels for good.

I had planned out our very own maternity and newborn shoots. You would of been the most adorable little client ever! I would of painted my belly for the holidays and bought you the cutest little hair ribbons and headbands!!

It wasn't suppose to be like this, little one. You came into and left out of our lives so quickly. My heart aches every day just to feel you inside me again. You gave me purpose. I love your brothers and sister so much and they know... but there was enough love to go around for all of you and I have so much love locked inside that I never got to give out to you that my heart is over flowing. I know someday God will send us another blessing. Not to take your place, because that is impossible; but to let us know that there is still hope and that we shouldn't let this keep us from experiencing the joy of bringing your future brother or sister into the world. We love you. I love you with a deep love that only a mother can have for her child.

I know you have friends where you are. I know that my friends who have angels where you are take comfort in knowing that their babies are not alone. That they are not alone. Millions of mommies like me go through this every year. But I know, the new babies who come to you are welcomed with the most beautiful love and open arms.

You would of been a beautiful person. Your soul was strong. I felt you living inside me. We were one with one another for just a few weeks but we are joined together through our hearts for eternity.

Sweet baby, if there is something that I would want you to know, its this... no matter where I am, who I'm with and what I'm doing... you are in my head and I feel you around me every day. You pick me up when I'm down and I'm so blessed to be your mommy! You make me proud, sweet angel!

Ill write again soon. Happy Thanksgiving sweet one. You would of loved mommys turkey and daddys stuffed mushrooms. :)

I love you forever,
~Mama

Today

 Today i took a little walk
and i stopped along the way
i sat under a tree in a park
and watched the little ones play

i listened to their laughter
and watched the smiles on their face
and closed my eyes to take it in
and went to a different place

i saw a field that was neverending
and butterflies flew around
the warm sun shinning on my body
i look and see tiny footprints on the ground

these tiny footprints lead me
into a forest green
then into a tiny meadow
so beautiful and serene

a soft little hand comes from behind
and take my hand and pulls me down
to whispers in my ear...

"mommy youre never alone. Im always close to you.
when you feel the breeze upon your face
thats me kissing you.
when youre sleeping and you dream of me its really not a dream
its you and me touching hearts since we arent as far away as it seems.
you never got to hold me in your hands but in a better place
inside your body you kept me warm and both you and God kept me safe.
now its you that i look after when you are feelng sad
i kiss your cheek so softly
and say "mommy dont feel bad"
look around and youll see why
this place God made for little angels like me
who were too beautiful for earth
and even though your tears fall sometimes
i catch them and only i know their worth.

i slip back into reality as she slowly whispers
"i love you mommy" and turns to fade away
even for those brief moments
thats all i love to hear her say

i know my angels are safe
and in their fathers keep.
but sometimes i just sit
and in their memory i weep.

its not easy when you have to let go of an angel so close to your heart
but in the end it will be worth the pain when your are no longer apart.

Haleigh - Not a day goes by that I dont think of you, sweet baby. The pain is still very real in my heart and soul but every day Im learning that you are never too far away. Ill always have your sweet name to say and the good memories of when I carried you inside me. Even if it was for a short time and I never got to see you, its okay because I was blessed with a task that was so special. I got to grow a tiny angel. Love you baby!!

Dear Brain...

You can stop now. You can stop with the fake flutters in my gut. I know its normal. I know others can relate but I dont want to do this anymore. I dont want to have to 'think' Im feeling something when I know Im not. Do you realize how much more it just pushes this dagger into my heart? Do you know how it makes me yern for those first kicks I should be feeling right now from my baby who Ill never be able to feel, see, hold, smell or kiss?? Its is pure torture.

I cry a lot still. Mostly during the days when no one is around and Justin is asleep. Its still so raw to me. 2 months is a drop in the bucket for this kind of thing. Im making progress though. I can look forward to the birth of my friends babies and not be sad. My friend Jennifer is due in March and has asked me to do maturnity and newborn photos for her. And if things work out the way we would like, I can even do her 'L&D' photos!

I will be honest, it will be bitter sweet. My due date would of been so close to hers. My due date was April 23rd. Which is also a few days prior to the anniversary death of Rob who passed on April 26th. A death which Im still not at peace with. A death where I didnt get to say goodbye again. I think those ones are the hardest. You never get that last goodbye. With Haleigh, I didnt get to see her and say my goodbye the way I wanted. She slowly slipped away from me.

Its so sad.

But Ill be okay. Every day that I wake up is another day that I heal and I know Ill be okay.

Unanswered Prayers

I was looking back on the day I found out that we lost the baby. I remember praying to God that everything would be okay with the baby. I begged him to let her be okay. When we found out that she wasnt, I was disappointed, hurt, sad and angry.

I came to the realization the other day that even though I didnt know it at the time, my prayers were in fact answered. Maybe not in the way I would of liked them to of been answered, but they were.

My baby is okay. She is safe and she is very much alive. She is okay in spirit. She is safe in Gods arms and she is alive in our hearts and memories.

Thank you God for opening my eyes. Thank you for being a wonderful father not only to me but to my children as well.

"How many children do you have?"

The question of how many children we have came up in my support group the other day. There is always a pause after being asked that when you have lost a baby or a child.

My answer: 4. 3 living, 1 in heaven.

It never really dawned on me how that question would affect me later in life. Its only natural for people to ask.

I actually came across this question on a family history survey when I took Justin in for his doctors appointment the other day at a new office here. The question was "Have you had any children pass away?" or something along those lines. I had to stop and think about this. Do I put 'yes'? Do I recognize my little angel as a person who has passed away or do I keep her under wraps like she never existed? I started to feel the tears welling up again. Its such an easy question for so many parents to answer but for those of us who have lost a baby or a child, its like a dagger to the heart. Your heart starts racing and you get a knot in your throat as you struggle to answer it for the first time. I put my pen down and began to write. "1 miscarriage - Female - 8 weeks gest. - 9/08/2010". My little girl will always be a person to me regardless of how pregnant I was or wasn't to some people. She was a person living inside me. She passed away just like any other living person. Her heart stopped. Her life ended.

Ill never let anyone take away the importance of her life and what it meant to me and our family. Never.