Some "friend"...

I know you will read this and I want to tell you since you didnt give me a chance to even respond to your incredibly rude and unwarranted email I will say it here for the whole world to read.

You are a mean and unchristian woman. You speak of scriptures and respecting people and loving others and do the complete opposit. You are a total bitch and Im so glad you are out of my life because YOU were making matter worse by your unkind and inconsiderate words. You do not think before you speak!!! Do not sit there and tell me you are my friend and defend everything you said on facebook as you being a "friend" and then email me with whats below. You are a walking contradiction. You are a coward. You are a hypocrite. You know you were in the wrong for being so rude and inconsiderate. If your friends saw the shit you posted, Im pretty sure they would agree. All I wanted was an apology. Others said they were sorry when I called them out in private but you took things public so thats where it stayed. You are so dense that you missed the whole point of what others were telling you. Shut up and listen for once!

I tried to be nice and tell you I just needed a break. Not because I didnt want to be your friend but because I needed to take a time out to look at things from a different point of view. I was honest and you didnt like it. You can say all the mean and nasty stuff that you want. It just shows how insincere you were about our "friendship". And throwing in my "contradictions" shows me that you obviously are immature and dont know how to keep your mouth shut and jump to conclusions. I NEVER lied to you about seeking help. Ive been in contact with 2 grief groups that meet twice a month in Prince William. I missed Septembers meetings. So you can shove that one.

You call me a shark. Takes one to know one. I had NEVER done or said anything to you to make you hurt. You prey on people who are vulnerable and then when they cross you, or tell you what you dont want to hear, you attack. You are very unfair by trying to get the last word in like you did and blocking me. Im so angry at you and will not forgive you for the hurt you have caused me and for attacking me.

I hope you learn from this and change the way you approach sensitive subjects with other people you know and befriend in the future. And, I hope you grow up and take your own advice that you dish out to others. If it was you in my shoes and you had lost a baby, I would offer a shoulder and not lectures like you have done to me. You are not better then me and you never will be. God sees you and sees what you have done. Seek him out and his forgiveness. Ill pray for you. YOU need to seek help with the way you behave. You need it more then I do. You have no tact and no common sense.

You are not and NEVER will be a friend of mine. Good riddance!!

_________________________________________________________________________________


" Raquel-Marie Newton September 30 at 5:07pm I think its best if we take a time out for a while. I wish you the very best and will contact you in the future when I have gotten past the worse of it all. I just dont think you see where everyone is coming from and even if you did mean well, you need to think before you speak when it is something this complicated. Youve been through it yourself as you say and I dont know why you would be so hard on someone who is going through the same thing and having the issues so fresh and still raw... you need to look back and remember the hurt and your feelings and how you would or did react to people saying the same things you have. Youre a good person but I need to draw a line. This isnt the first time youve said something that I took to offense and obviously didnt read my blog comment response because if you did you wouldnt be saying what you are. All the very best to you and your family."


"Valeta Gregg Kelley September 30 at 5:16pm Report Yes, i agree, I'm deleting you and blocking you, and please don't contact me in the future. You need help, your psychotic rants are simply a cause for attention. You've in the past lied about things like getting help and then making me look bad for suggesting it. My mother has said to swim with dolphins not sharks and you're definately a big jawed shark. I can see why others have deleted you. You read what you want to read, you contradict yourself..ie saying your husband is a over protective cheating man and then the next breath writing notes about what a great man he is. Seriously..I have the emails to prove them. What you have said to me, does not match up with others. You need to grow up for the sake of your family."

Cute!

I got this idea from Alyssa, who got it from http://leighashley.blogspot.com/...






{one} what is your biggest pet peeve?
        
 People who are two faced.

{two} what is your favorite dessert?

Nothing beats apple pie with ice cream!


{three} what is the first thing you notice about people?

I have no clue. My boobs?


{four} are you usually late, early or right on time?

Its a tie between right on time and late.


{five} have you ever fired a gun?

I own one and have fired it on many occassions.


{six} are you right-handed or left-handed?

Right.


{seven} which do you prefer: coke or pepsi?

Neither. Im a tea drinker.


{eight} do you dance crazy when no one is looking?

I dance crazy anytime in front of anyone.


{nine} what’s your favorite movie snack?

Whoppers.


{ten} do you scream on roller coasters?

Yes. Out of pure joy!





okay, now you go!

10 years :)

Well, at least today there is a happy cloud over my household. Today is the first day of Fall. I welcome this season with open arms!

Today is also the 10 year wedding anniversary of a very special couple. Cliff and myself!

We have been through so much in the last 10 years that its honestly beyond me how we have managed to not kill one another.

Im glad we are still together though. :) He has rescued me from myself so many times. I dont know what I would do without him.

I love you Cliff. Heres to 10 more decades with you!!

And the world keeps spinning...

I have a hard time watching newborns on TV, or seeing pregnant women in commercials. I have a hard time reading books about babies and magazines that offer pregnancy advice. I just want to sleep. Sleep away the pain in my heart. Thank God for Cliff... If he wasnt around to push me out of bed, I would sleep forever.

I was telling Cliff the other night, that a womans body and mind start to prepare itself for pregnancy and birth the moment you find out you are pregnant. And then POOF!, its all ripped away from you in the blink of an eye. It changes you forever. Anyone who has been there knows you will never be the same. You dont just forget and move on. Life moves on but a piece of your heart is lost in the world.

Everyone around me is getting pregnant and announcing their pregnancys. Im SO thrilled for them. I honestly am, but a little piece of me is sad. That should be me up there. I dont get all the congrats and praise. I dont get to have that natural high. - annnnn end pity party - NOW.

All I can do now is offer them love and pray for their health and their babies to be born beautiful and healthy!

Ive been keeping busy. Ive just about finished Haleighs box. Now Im sewing a cute 'sweet dreams' butterfly picture to put in it. I havent picked up a needle and thread in years! It feels good!

I miss you baby. There is a empty void where you once grew. Just a big empty void filled with sadness.

"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."

A dear friend of mine sent me this yesterday and it touched my heart deeply... Thank you Callie. Thank you so much!

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to fill your womb,
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
~Author Unknown

My angels box

Its still a work in progress and I need to take a photo of the right side of the box and the inside but you get an idea. :) You can click the photos to enlarge them!

Project

I started a new project yesterday. Im making a shadow box for Haleigh. I cant keep her sonogram photos in my jewelry box. She doesnt belong there. I also have to have a place to put the little things me and the kids bought for her before she got her wings.

Its coming along perfect! Im very happy with how it looks. Now Im just searching for a quote to paint onto the top of it and I have some more painting to do.

Its helping me keep my mind off the loss and helping me to focus on the beauty of who my child and what I held even for a short time.

I will admit today isnt one of my healing days. Ive cried. A lot. Its not that Im dwelling, its that I still hurt in my heart. Its still so fresh and I hate how 1 week ago today I was sitting in an office praying there was hope and then having it all taken away.

Its just part of the process. Ill be okay. My baby is watching over us all and making sure that we are okay.

He never cancelled!!!!

I found out last night that Cliff never cancelled his vasectomy appointment. I thought he did last week. How could he even think about doing it anymore? I'm so mad and hurt.

This is something that we never talked about as a couple. How many kids we want to have. I want 4. He was done at 2. With 4 kids and us, we would have the perfect number. 6. The number of perfection(some say its 7 but its in dispute).

Just the thought of not being able to procreate ever again brings sadness to my heart. God created a woman and a man "And God blessed them, and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth." Genesis 1:29

Can you imagine. Such a great gift and here we are altering the temple. Cutting away the chance of creating life.

How sad.

How very very sad :(

Still sad, Still crying, Blah

Tonight isn't such a good night.

Did I miss her? I have been thinking about it all night. I must of missed her. How did I miss her? Ive been so careful. It must of been in those first few days.

As sad as I am, I'm accepting it.
As painful as it is, I'm accepting it.

But what if I haven't and she is still in me? Ill need to go in and get a D&C. I don't want a D&C. I don't want them to hurt me anymore then Ive already hurt. I'm also afraid of them messing up my insides.

Cliff confessed to me that he is scared and doesn't want to try again for another baby. This mad me very sad inside. I want to try again. I want to bring a new baby into the world so we can full fill what should be. He is afraid of this happening again. I'm afraid too but in time Im sure our fears will subside. I just dont want to be trying at 35. 35 is my cut off.

I pray over time he will change his mind and we will talk about it. For now, we need to push through the pain and keep looking forward.

This hurts...no like it REALLY hurts.

I didnt think that having a natural miscarriage would physically hurt this bad. I never really thought about it. Its less then natural labor but more then your average period cramps. You feel like this for days. Wishing it would just be over soon but secretly wishing that it would keep hurting so you know you are still feeling something instead of the numbness youve felt over the last few days.

Yup. Im numb. I feel emotions but mostly sadness and pain. Empty. Drained.

My uterus slowly closing back to the normal fist size from the softball size that it was. I dont know if Ive passed the baby or not. Ive tried my best to keep a close eye out for her. I pray that I havent missed her somehow in those first few days. But I pray that she comes soon if I havent so that I can lay her down for her eternal rest in the garden.

Most probably will think me crazy for even trying to do this. Or even talking about it but you cannot judge if you have not been there. And I pray that no one will ever judge a mother that has lost her child. She may have been a 7 week old embryo to some but she was a baby to me and her father and her brothers and sister. She was loved even before we held her just like any new life.

It helps to know Ill have a place to go to when I need to reflect and remember Baby Haleigh. A place surrounded by beauty and nature.

October 15th "Wave of Light". Remembering our Babies.

Nameless no more

The other night as we laid in bed, Cliff 99% asleep; I asked him what he would of named the baby if we would of had a girl. He said he didn't know and that we needed to talk about it the next day. Me being the persistent one kept pushing the issue and I said "you always did like the name Haleigh" so I repeated it... Baby Haleigh. I fell in love with it and laid my head down next to Cliffs back, listened to his heartbeat like I do every night and fell peacefully asleep. For the first time in a couple days, I felt no pain. Just peace.

We both agreed that it would just be 'Baby Haleigh'. No middle name. Simple and sweet.

I'm more at peace with everything today. I think Ive cried all I can cry for the time being. I know Ill have my good days and bad days but I also know Ill be okay. Cliff will be okay. My kids will be okay.

Cliff called me yesterday to ask me a very important question.

Last Friday he had gone in for his consult for a vasectomy. He had scheduled it to be done in 2 weeks. He was pretty set on making sure we wouldn't be having anymore children. He was done! This was to be the last one.

He called me and asked me if he should cancel the appointment. I told him I didn't care. I don't want to force him into feeling like he needs to have another baby with me. Yes, I was ready for another one. Yes, I protested him even getting a vasectomy in the first place but its his body. Yes, its our decision as a couple but I don't want him to hate me if I was to get pregnant again. I know he wont but its hard sometimes knowing he didn't want to have anymore kids. I think everything that has happened changed his mind. We are both feeling the loss of a new baby that we both wanted and accepted. We made things work around this new baby. Everything was going to be okay.

So, maybe in a few months or more we will see what happens. I know Ill get pregnant again. I get pregnant if he looks at me. I'm VERY fertile! Ill make sure I start taking vitamins and eating right the second I think we conceived. I know there is nothing I can do to prevent this from happening again but it cant hurt to try and do right.

Ive also decided to create a memorial garden in my backyard. There is a flower bed in my yard that has wild flowers and a bench under a tree I like. It turns gold in the fall and the flowers bloom all summer long. I think it would be perfect. Ill buy a memorial stone for Haleigh and plant a ton of butterfly plants. My little girl will have a place of her own.

My sweet baby Haleigh.

September 10, 2010

Today... I wish today never came. Last week I was begging time to hurry up so this day would come. Now all I want it to do is go away.

By now, on this day, I would of already visited my OBs office. We would of already heard our sweet babies heartbeat for the first time. We would of seen the first glimpse into my womb that held my sweet angel so safely.

Instead, I sit here. Alone in my dark basement. Wrapped up in sorrow. A grieving mother. A woman who was once full of a new life. A little girl lost.

I cry. I stop crying. I cry. I stop crying. I am so angry.

Im so ANGRY!

Im so angry... so sad... so hurt... so confussed... so devistated....

I have 3 other children. My last pregnancy went fine.

Why? What went wrong? Why did my baby die? Why? Did her heart even start beating? Did she suffer? Did she ever get to hear my voice. Did she hear me tell her how much I loved her? Did she feel my love? Did she feel the love from her daddys hand as he held my belly?

Her daddy loved her. He is having a hard time with this all. He helps me through it but hardly shows his own pain. I see it in his eyes though. He sleeps. This is how he grieves. Its always been how he handles loss.

The first night we found out about our loss, he had pains in his lower belly. He felt sick. It was like he was feeling my pain and what I was going through.

I love him. He has been the biggest help with everything. Mostly with holding me when I break.

He is my rock.

Our Loss is Heavens Gain. My baby got her wings.

What a roller coaster we have been on the last few days. From joy to sorrow and everything in between, Ive felt it all. Bare with me. I need to get this all out. Ill feel better. Its all part of my grief process. Its how I do.

August 23rd we found out that we were pregnant for the 4th time. At first we were not very accepting to the idea of another baby coming into our lives at this point in time. After sleeping on it over night and having some sense talked into us, we both began the process of accepting things as they were. We started looking for a bigger car, even test driving mini-vans!!!!!!!! MINI-VANS! I swore to never own one. Never been seen driving one! But there I was. Driving one and about to buy one.

We were waiting for the 'danger zone' to pass before saying anything to family and friends. Of course I called and told a few people who were close to me. I mean, how could one not! Its one of those secrets you HAVE to spill to SOMEONE!

The weeks went by and I was sooooo set and ready for my September 10th appointment for our first OB check up. Just knowing I was about to see my baby and hear her heartbeat made the days fly by. We were looking forward to it!

Thursday, September 2nd I began to have mild spotting. Just a very little amount of pink spotting. I called my OB office and they said that it was normal for some women to spot a little during early pregnancy so I just needed to rest and keep off my feet. My mother in law came in to town Friday to stay for the labor day weekend. We spent the entire weekend cleaning my house top to bottom so that if I started getting sick, everything would be done. I had been feeling wonderful the last few weeks which stuck me as odd but I wasn't complaining. I though, hey! maybe this being my last baby, maybe I will be able to actually enjoy this one instead of puking 24/7. My spotting remained the same all weekend. I tried to rest when I could.

Monday night I didn't sleep to well. I felt really uneasy and my body didn't feel right. Tuesday we woke up early and I sent the kids off on their first day of school. I sat around, threw some laundry in, picked up a little then took a nap. Woke up and went to go get the kids from school. Once I picked them up we headed to the shoe store to exchange their shoes for different sizes. Came home and had dinner. Normal day for us. Cliff came home and we headed out to again, exchange a set of Robbie's shoes. I'm a screw up. What can I say. Before we left I felt a little gush(***TMI WARNING***) and went to check my pad. There was about a teaspoon of light pink blood but nothing bright red so I just ignored it(I was debating on staying home or going) and we left. We stopped by Target to buy Jade and Robbie new bikes. I wasn't feeling too hot and was just tired. We found a bike for Jade and decided to head to Toys R Us to get Robbie's bike. I waited in the truck while the boys ran in. I started having some back pain and minor cramps. Cliff and Robbie came out and I just wanted to go home at this point. I was pretty much scared at this point but was trying my best not to think about it.

We got home and put the kids to bed. I called my OB, left a message and he called back shortly after. I explained what I had been experiencing and he said that it sounded pretty normal and that he wanted me to come in the next day for an ultrasound.

I took a shower before bed and noticed the blood had turned a little more red. It was then I really started to get scared. I knew what it meant. I just held my belly and cried in the shower. Cliff was such a saint trying to tell me that women go through this all the time and that it doesn't mean I was losing the baby. We went to bed and it was a restless night for me yet again.

We woke up around 630am and the first thing I did was go to pee. My panties were soaked in bright red blood. I knew. I called out to Cliff and told him I was losing the baby and begun to cry. He told me to not jump to conclusions. The doctors office opened at 7 and I was right on the phone when that time came. Our appointment was set. 1050am. The appointment that would determine if by baby was alive or if I had lost her. I knew in my heart that I had already lost her. A mother knows her body. A mother knows when there is life inside her and when there isn't. I felt so empty but I clung to that last moment of hope.

Cliff took the kids to school and the moment he left I went to my room and hit my knees. I begged God for my baby to be okay. I begged him. I pleaded. I cried. How could he not hear the painful cries of a mother in need? I prayed. I prayed so hard. Harder then I had ever prayed in all my life other then when Cliff was in his accident.

I jumped in the shower and got myself put back together before Cliff got back home.

We arrived at the doctors office at 1015. Again, I screwed up and thought the girl said 1015 instead of 1050. We sat in the waiting room. My rosary in hand. My thoughts on my cramping womb.

Every pregnant woman that came into the office was a dagger in my heart. Those beautiful baby bumps. Those women with a child growing, turning and living in them. It hurt. I turned to Cliff and started to cry trying to hide my pain and whispered "This waiting room is the last place I want to be right now." He offered to stay while I ran downstairs to grab a drink. I said no. I stayed. I prayed. I looked like a hot mess. Women were looking at me trying to figure out what was going on with me. I felt their glaces. They saw my pain. They whispered to their spouses and friends. Its okay. I was okay with it. I wanted to stand up and shout out to them that they should embrace the life they carried every day and never take anything for granted.

We were finally called back. The nurse took my vitals and asked the normal questions. When she got to the date of my last period question I broke again. She knew I was scared. She comforted me and said that we needed to keep hope and to focus on the positive. We waited for the ultrasound room to open up and when it did she took me and Cliff over to the room. We had Justin with us, also.

I undressed. Still bleeding. Ugh. That stupid red blood. That color. I used to like the color of a dark red. I don't like it anymore. I hate it. HATE IT!

We waited what seemed like forever. I had been in that very same room in April of 2007 when we were getting our first ultrasound of a little baby boy we like to call 'Turtle'. Yup. It was a happy room back then. Now it was a cold, unhappy place for me this day. I didn't want to be there.

The doctor finally came in. Asked a few questions and then had me lay back. (***TMI WARNING**) She needed to do an internal pelvic exam. I couldn't keep my eyes off her face. Her face was my key. Her face would tell me if we were going to be okay or if we were not going to be okay. Her face. Dr. McLeod. Ill never forget her face. She pressed against my uterus. I felt pain. I felt her fingers. I felt pain. Her face gave that look. That "yes. just as I thought." look. She looked at me and shook her head and softly said "Yeah, your already dilated and I can feel tissue right there." Just the word 'Dilated' sent me into tears. It confirmed my deepest fear. I knew it would be bad. But my body was already in the process of rejecting my baby. My 7 week old baby. My baby.

Dilated. I'm use to that word when I'm 4 weeks away from giving birth. We thrive on that last home stretch. Praying to dilate so that we can have our sweet babies we carried for 9 months in our arms.

Dilated. Passing tissue. Bleeding. The words all mushed into one when she spoke.

She then did an ultrasound. Just to confirm that there was no heartbeat. She moved the trans vaginal ultrasound wand around inside me. It hurt. I saw my uterus. She explained what we were looking at on the screen but I already knew. There was the sac. It was already partially deflated and falling in on itself.

She moved the wand some more. I saw the flicker of my artery on the screen as she explored my uterus. Then she moved it and there it was. There was my baby. A tiny little blob. Motionless. Nothing. I looked. I saw no tiny flutter of a heartbeat. The doctor didn't have to tell me. I knew. But she did her little speech anyways. She pulled the wand out and begun to explain what was going on. That there was nothing we could do. We had lost the baby.

Through my tears I asked her if we could have a couple ultrasound photos. She looked at me like I was crazy and said "Are you sure? Theres nothing there. Just dead pregnancy tissue." My heart stopped and I took a breath. I told her I was sure and that I would like her to do it. So she did. Two printed photos. One of my sac and one of the "tissue" she spoke of.

Now, let me explain a little something. Doctors are trained to see things medically. They use words like "Product of conception" and "pregnancy tissue" to describe an embryo or fetus that has passed away or has been aborted. There's a time and place for those words. This was not the time nor the place. I wanted her to go away after that. She left us alone to grieve and collect ourselves. I just wanted to go home.


She came back after what again seemed like forever and explained my options of how to carry out the miscarriage. I already knew I wanted things to happen as God intended. No medical intervention. I just wanted to go home and quietly give birth to my child. In the privacy of my own home. With my husband beside me.

I left the doctors office. Got into the hall and once again broke down crying. 'What would I tell the kids? I have to call my mother in law. I have to call my sister and brothers. God, why did this happen??'

As we were walking out of the building, Cliff walked behind me with Justin. I heard him say "Oh how sad" and then he grabbed my arm and said "look, the hummingbird is dead" to which I looked and replied "Oh great! Death all around me! I got dead things around me and in me..."(I don't see hummingbirds around here so this was a very sad thing for me on top of the already sad thing I was going through. Why would God bring such sadness upon my heart? There is a reason. I dunno what it is but there is a reason)  and once again, I broke. It was a long emotional walk back to the car. I sent my few text messages to my friend, my cousin and sister letting them know what we had just found out and headed home. Cliff followed me back. We took separate cars because he had planned on going to work after the doctors appointment. It was his last grasp at keeping faith and hope that everything was going to be fine. He wouldn't say it but that how I see it.

We came home and we laid down. He held me. We talked. Cried. Loved. Mourned. He fell asleep. I couldn't sleep. I was in pain. I was cramping pretty bad by now.

Soon it was time to go pick up the kids. He left to go get them. I put my brave mommy face on and welcomed them home. I was so tired by this point and my head felt like it was going to explode so I went to lay down and fell asleep. Cliff took them outside to ride their new bikes for a while, letting me sleep. They came in after a while and the kids ran upstairs to tell me all about how they learned to ride with no training wheels and asked me if I was proud of them. Then they started talking to my tummy. Asking the baby if it was proud of them. They didn't know. God the pain that ran through my heart. How do I tell them? What do I tell them? When do I tell them? I told them to go get cleaned up and ready for dinner. I went into the bathroom and cried. Pulled myself together and went downstairs. I whispered to Cliff that we needed to tell them and he kept saying no. Not today. He wanted to wait for the weekend. But how could I get through the next few days with them kissing my belly goodnight and talking to the baby?

Dinner time. We all sat down to eat and Robbie asked me what was wrong. I said I was just tired. He says "Oh yeah. The baby makes you tired, right?" Cliff quickly changed the subject and I got up from the table and went upstairs and once again cried. I heard Cliff talking to the kids and I knew he was telling them something. He sent the kids upstairs to give me a hug and make sure I was okay and I told them. I said that our baby was in heaven with God and she was waiting to be born at another time. Robbie was sad. He said he was really excited and really wanted another baby. I told them that mommy and daddy could make a new baby but they would have to wait a little while. I'm so blessed that my children know God and know that he is there and takes care of us. They know our baby is with him and God is keeping her until the time is right. They are good kids. They understand and are okay.

Its been an emotional roller coaster since last night. I'm okay for a little while then all of a sudden I am reminded of something I ate while I was pregnant or something I said or something I did and I feel so cheated. So cheated out of the love I was waiting for from my unborn baby. So cheated out of being able to share the love I have gained for my unborn baby over the past few weeks. Its so unfair. For all of us. We have all been cheated. My baby was cheated out of a life. My children were cheated out of a new baby sister or brother and my husband and I were cheated out of a new life we made and were suppose to bring into the world together.

I am going through all the emotions. Ive already come to terms with God taking my baby back into his keeping. All of us are on loan. He makes no promise that what was there one day will be there tomorrow.

This evening I passed part if my placenta. As traumatic as it is, I know that things are progressing and nature is taking its course. I'm waiting though. Waiting to be able to see my little one. Scared that she might fall out of me and I not know it. I don't want to flush my baby. Don't judge me!! You wouldn't either!

So I sit. And wait.