Our Lily and a small update on life...

So the photos I posted in my original 'Shes here' blog were cell phone uploads. They came out horrible.

Sorry Lily. They didnt do your beauty justice.

I took some more of her once I had the energy and time at home. Its not easy to photograph a newborn. Its not easy to photograph your own newborn!

 

So theres our girl. :) We love her!!!

She has been sleeping through the night since we brought her home. Only a few nights has she woken up in the middle of the night to be changed and fed. Nothing I cant handle. Breastfeeding is going great. She is so alert when she is awake. Honestly a great baby.

My husband and I have agreed that he will be going in to get fixed on January 20th. I hate this. I hate the fact that people alter their bodies natural functions to avoid something that God made us to do. Have children.

I refuse birth control because of the side effects and the fact that it kills babies before they are given a chance at life. And there is no way Im going under the knife. I dont believe in it.

So...

He will.

Im having a difficult time with this.

Its sad.

Im sad.

I'll never feel a little baby inside me again.

Growing. Learning my voice. Being one with me.

It breaks my heart.

She's here!

Ill dig right in. Be warned. Serious TMI posting! Long too. I like to ramble. Its fun for me later when I go back and read old blogs I've written and relive them.

Last Wednesday(11/30) I started having really bad cramps and my mucus discharge went from clear/white to tinged with pink blood. I thought 'great! Maybe Ill progress from 2cm to something I can work with!' Thursdays OB appointment was disappointing. I hadn't budged. I gave up. I was going to be pregnant FOREVER!

Cramps continued throughout Friday. Still hurt like the dickens, still pink tinged mucus. It was my birthday and I wanted a baby. Unfortunately, baby didnt want to share birthdays.
Saturday rolls around and we lay around all day. Later in the evening we run to do grocery shopping and a quick trip to Kohls to get my MIL a gift. Before we hit the stores, we took Jade for a haircut and Cliff talked me into getting a pedicure. It was amazing and long overdue!
So we get done with our pedi(hubs got one too. He couldn't say no to a salon full of estrogen lol) and get our shopping going. Like usual, I started my contractions while walking around thanks to my husband who was 10 steps ahead of me trying to get me to go into labor. Nothing painful but typical annoying squeezies.

Around 830, we head home. We turned down our street off the main road and Cliff starts messing with my brakes because they were slick from the carwash we had taken it through earlier. As he is stepping on and off the brake, I feel something inside me 'snap'. Thats the best way to describe it. I tell Cliff 'that was weird. Either Lily just kicked me or my water broke.' So, Im trying to figure it out because I wasn't leaking or anything. We get home, I walk inside, stop for a minute and tell Cliff he is on his own for a second while I use the bathroom. I took 5 steps and TADA! Leakage! 'BABE! MY WATER BROKE! THAT'S WHAT I FELT!' So I run upstairs, shower and enjoy the game of 'wtf do I wear so I don't leak everywhere?' AH HA! I stuck one of Justins diapers between my legs and suited up! We stuck around the house for a while and got the kids organized and I got my last minute bag stuff thrown together. Gave the doc a call and told him Id see him soon.
Contractions were starting to come every 3-5 minutes after about an hour and getting painful so I knew we needed to head out. Its one thing to labor at home with water intact but for me its another to do it when water has broken and its my 4th baby.

We hit the road and now Im starting to feel them. Cramps from hell. Cliff would hold my hand as they came and squeeze as tight as I was squeezing his hand. It helped A LOT! We roll up to the hospital and go through ER. I walk up to the ER admin desk where theres 5 nurses sitting chatting 'what can we do for ya?' to which I reply 'where do I go to have a baby?' They laugh and have me fill out a form blah blah blah, wheel chair, long ride to L&D. They set me in a triage room where I waited forever with a husband who just sat there and drank his coffee all calm like. At this point Im hurting and he was about to DIE! Not really, but he wouldn't shut up LOL

Nurse comes in finally! Makes me dress in the dreaded gown. Does the magic blue swab to be sure my water broke and hooks me up to the monitor. Cliff loves the monitor! He loves to watch my waves. As we are sitting there, I keep laboring and he keeps telling me 'they aren't that bad. I've seen your peaks reach a lot higher then halfway!' Um yeah, they hurt. 'They aren't that bad'. UM STFU! Yes, he is still in his chair with his coffee. Yes, had I not been hooked up and in pain, I would of choked him.

So I get wheeled to my room. Get settled in. Walked around a little. My nurse, Pam, comes in. Sweet as sugar. Best nurse Id ever had. Was familiar with natural birthing since she did it with 3 of her own. I had to sign forms between contractions with her. Annoying. She hooked me up again to the stupid monitor. Laying down was the worse thing ever. So painful. I wanted to get up.

Cliff held my hand and helped me breathe through the majority of labor. My focal point, a green sticker on the ceiling. I dunno why but that's what I concentrated on with each contraction. Cliff would tell me when the contraction was peaking and coming down. He did good. I love him for it.
THEM BITCHES HURT! Id never felt such intense pain. Normally by this time(contractions coming every 2 min), Id of had an epi in and would be fast asleep until it was time to push. I have no pain tolerance.

This went on for a while(few hours). Finally, I got to my breaking point. Yes, I let myself down. I failed. I gave in. I asked for an epidural. I hate myself for it. Im crying right now even thinking about how I was so set in doing this unmedicated and I just caved. FAIL! But, Im proud of how long it took me before I asked. I fought it. I felt the pain I needed to feel. I went in seeing if I could do it, now I know I can't lol

At some point the babies heart rate started to drop with each contraction. So I was given oxygen and put on my right side. I fell asleep for a little while. Maybe an hour or so. I woke up to pain. My right side had gone completely numb and my left was feeling everything. My epi had failed me lol Pam checked me and said I was almost complete. I needed 20 more minutes or so and Id be pushing. She disappeared and I never saw her again. 20 minutes later, a new nurse shows up, then the doctor comes in to check me. Pam was off helping in another delivery. I was complete, +3. Baby Lily was knocking at the door ready to meet the world! The doc gets geared up, says 5 pushes and she should be out. Cliff gets the camera ready and assumes his position behind my left leg lol Nurse grabs the other leg. Doc says next contraction, push. I look at him and tell him I can't tell when the next one was coming because I could only feel half my body lol so the nurse watches the monitor
and told me when.

1 push, heads out!
1/2 push, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LILY!  December 4th 2011 @ 3:52AM bright and early!

I think we shocked everyone in the room with how quickly she came lol Even Cliff was like 'whoa'. No tearing or anything. Perfect delivery! And yes, I felt the burn as her head popped out.

There she was! Covered in beautiful slime, all up on my chest. Screaming. Oh my word, she has a set of lungs on her!

Daddy cut the cord. They let me have her for a few minutes then took her to the warmer to clean her up and let daddy take a few pictures :( my stupid lens was on manual so they came out blurry. Totally my fault. I should of checked before hand. But its okay. They weighed Lily and she was an even 8lbs. HOLY COW! I thought for sure she would be smaller! Nope. 8lbs and 19in long.

Doc finished up delivering the placenta and congratulated us and left.
My nurse let us have some 1 on 1 time with the baby. After a little bit, she took Lily and Cliff off to the nursery so they could check her over and clean her up.

I got to eat a sandwich while they did that. Nurse came back and helped me get ready to switch over to the mommy baby unit. I could of totally walked everywhere but she was insistent I get wheeled to the PP ward. My epidural wore off and I just wanted to pee. LOL

So there it is. I really tried with the whole natural birthing thing. I mean, I did it. Just not the way I wanted to with only half my body drugged lol. Its sad to think Ill never get another shot at this. :( my baby making days are over.

35 weeks later

And I'm still pregnant. For now!

We had a baby appointment on Tuesday. It was a follow up to a visit to the hospital last week. I was having contractions and they needed to stop them. All I can say is DAMN, THOSE SHOTS BURN!!!

I'm currently 1cm dilated. I still get strong contractions but not like before. Doc says she doesn't see me making it a full 40 weeks. I'm all for that! She also said that when the time comes, it will be a short labor. I'm all clear for a home labor and a natural hospital birth. I had to compromise with Cliff on this one. I wanted a home birth but he isn't comfortable with it. Oh well, at least I can do the majority of laboring at home with no doctors or nurses up my butt rushing my labor.

I just really want to meet our daughter. She is a miracle to me. 2 miscarriages in 6 months and a few weeks after the last we get pregnant and it sticks.

So much more I could write. But I'm tired. These last few weeks have been very unkind to me. My morning sickness is back. I have a horrible pinched nerve in my mid back and exhaustion is sweeping over me. Not to mention baby L is living up in my ribcage.

Angel Baby - 1 year later

I've been sitting here looking at this screen. The blinking cursor. My mind is blank. You would think that I would have a ton of things to say today.

I don't. My words elude me for some reason. Ill just type and see where it takes me I guess.

I am just wrapped up in a deep sorrow that many know but rarely speak about. Its been a taboo subject for so long. Something people tell a woman she should keep to herself. Why? Why should we have to mourn in private when all the world gets to mourn in the open when someone they loved has passed away? Why is the loss of a pregnancy at any age so hush hush? It makes women feel ashamed of their pain so this needs to stop. TODAY!

Miscarriage. what does it mean? What does it feel like as the days, weeks and months wear on and the pain of what happened becomes less intense? What is the healing process like? Where am I now a year later?

A miscarriage is the loss of a pregnancy before 20 weeks gestation.
A miscarriage is also the loss of a child.
A miscarriage is being robbed of something so precious. So innocent.
A miscarriage is being cheated out of a future.
A miscarriage is being cheated out of a child.
A miscarriage is being cheated out of dreams. Dreams for your growing family. Dreams for your lost child.
A miscarriage is being cheated out of a sibling(for those of us who have older kids).
A miscarriage is labor.
A miscarriage is pain.
A miscarriage is death.

As many of you know, I lost our little one at 7 weeks 5 days gestation, 1 year ago today. We found out we were pregnant 2 weeks prior and we were so excited after the initial shock of another baby coming into our lives wore off. I already had a love for this baby that only a new mother could have. We told the kids. Told our friends and told our family. Excitement all around!

I still was a bit apprehensive. There is always a lingering thought in the back of a woman's head. "What if..." What if the pregnancy doesn't progress past the 1st trimester? What if something goes wrong? You try so hard to push those thoughts out of your head and just pray and live each day as it passes. Thanking God for another day with your little one growing safely inside you.

Then it happens. For me, I started spotting on a Thursday. Then I started bleeding on a Tuesday morning. Then the ultrasound that confirmed our greatest fear. And the words "I'm so sorry" that come from the doctors mouth. I do not think I have ever experienced a heartbreak in my life that can compare to the one I experienced that morning. A part of me was lost. Forever.

"I do not know why you're so upset. You weren't even that far along!" "Why are you taking it so hard?" - Those are the words people said to me after I announced to my close friends what had happened that morning and began my grieving process in the days that followed.

A little background about me and why it is so upsetting when someone loses a child early on in a pregnancy. I am Pro-life. Like hardcore Pro-life. I believe that once an egg and sperm meet, that is it. A child has been created. A new human is being put together once cell at a time. There is no embryo or fetus to me. It's a baby. I value the lives of all living things. Especially a newly made child. Each one of my children was created in love. Each one is loved from the first moment I knew about them being inside me. That is why I take it hard when someone, especially me loses a child to miscarriage.

So why was I taking it so hard? I wanted my baby and my baby was not there anymore. Me and my husband wanted our baby but our baby was not there anymore. My children wanted their sibling but their sibling was not there anymore. We lost someone very important to our family.

I was not that far along. But that does not lessen the value of that little baby's life to me or my family.

That is like telling an artist who has started creating a masterpiece that "it was not that far along" after something has destroyed it. There was work put into creating it. Hard work. Hours of work. Do not cheapen another persons masterpiece simply because of how incomplete it was.


In fact, those words that were told to me, should have never been spoken. EVER. You do not know how badly they cut into an already bleeding heart. And you will never know what a jerk you look like after saying that to someone who has lost a child. If you do not know what to say, just a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" will do.

The last year has been full of ups and downs. With Haleigh's passing, we learned that we cant take anything for granted. We learned that each one of us is on loan and can be called up at any point in time. I learned that with every day comes a new beginning. A new chance at working past the pain I feel and turning it into something positive.

I wont lie. There are days I jump in the shower and just cry. You never get past the sadness or the hurt of your little one not being in your arms. You just learn to make it work on your schedule. You gain a small portion of control over it. But sometimes, it can get the upper hand and those times are the times you need a little nudge. I thank God for my family and friends who have helped me through those dark days.

My kids and husband have helped me through the worst of it all. And earlier this year we were blessed to find out that we are expecting our rainbow baby early December.

Angel baby brought Rainbow baby to us. Had Angel baby waited to pass on a week later, her dad would of been fixed. There would be no rainbow after the storm. Just empty, grey clouds.

Baby L and Haleigh already conspired together long before we knew about baby L lol That's my girls!

I know this seems like a novel. It probably is in some ways. But I don't want Haleigh to ever be forgotten. She is a very important piece in my life that I'm halfway missing and is halfway always there.

Those of you going through a miscarriage or that have gone through one recently, there is a silver lining. You just have to give it time. Do not rush your grief process and do not let anyone tell you that you should be 'getting over it' or some insensitive rubbish like that.

You have every right to take as much time as you need. You have every right to be sad. You have every right to post, write and tell the world about your baby's story.

After all, your baby is just as important as the next baby who is waiting to be born, is being born or has been born.

***To my friends and family;

Thank you all. Your support over the last year has helped me through my healing process. I know it is an awkward subject but society did that. What a great injustice to grieving mothers and fathers worldwide. We need to break that chain and let the world know that parents of angel babies deserve to be recognized and their babies deserve to be mourned just like any other loss of human life.

Please take a moment to remember all the little ones taken from us too soon.

I love you all.

Its A.....

Oh my gosh! Its been forever in a day since I've updated! Sorry! Life gets a little crazy when you got kids home for the summer!

So first things first, Im currently 25 weeks and 5 days along now. August 4th we went in for our anatomy ultrasound. Baby looked great! Totally a wiggle worm! Made it hard to get anything done because of the way SHE was laying and squirming. Yup, that's right, I said SHE! Baby #4 is a GIRL! All of Jades prayers paid off! LOL Baby is due Dec 6th(even though I think she will be a week early) and we have a name picked out but will not be telling anyone until she is born. I want to also share with you a note I wrote on Facebook that day we found out... since some of you family members are out of the FB loop.

"Today has been a very exciting and emotional day. Not just for me. Seeing our sweet baby girl alive and well on that black and white screen today touched us all... After we got home today, I took the dog outside to do her thing. Robbie followed and said he was going to sit down over in butterfly garden. I said okay and to come in when he was ready. After about 5 minutes he came back in and I asked him what he was up to. He said nothing. That he was just talking to God and thanking him for sending us our baby girl that we have been waiting for. I truly believe that you should never 'dumb down' what your children understand about the 'adult world'. They were sent here to guide us in some of life's trials and have a better understanding of the world then we give them credit for when it comes to certain issues. The loss of our baby in September impacted each one of us differently, including my children. To hear my son speak such kind and humble words brings me to tears.

I love my children. Thank you God for giving me such amazing gifts. I honestly do not know where I would be with out them guiding me with their knowledge of compassion, honesty and love everyday."

So there is the note. Kids are utterly amazing!

So, we just got back from vacation in Virginia Beach tonight. It was fun. I needed the sunshine something bad! My pale self got nice and red with a hint on tan lol the kids all tanned beautifully, thanks to my awesome genetics lol Baby L was loving it. I didn't wear a one piece this year so she was getting plenty of baby bump sun time in.

That's pretty much it for now. Summers almost over and school starts again in 2 weeks. Im excited! Kids are too. This summer flew by though. We just can't wait till the holiday season gets rolling!

Life Update :)

Things are going absolutely fab here in the Newton household! Kids are having a blast on summer break,rainbow baby is kicking up a storm and im no longer puking my life away! Nausea is my constant enemy but I can deal. Cliff is about to take a new position for a new company and that means way better benefits and even better $$$$$!!! Im so proud of him and how far he has taken his career!! Finally my mans getting paid what he is worth! Good job, babe!!!!

We are coming up to our ultrasound date in the next few weeks. We can't wait to find out if this little person is a boy or a girl! Im itching to go shopping!

We also have our Jersey shore trip coming up. We kept having to push it back because of the whole job thing. Can't wait!

So yeah, that's it for now! Life is good, the beer is cold and people are crazy!

Whats new pussycat...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Let me get that out. Lets see if I can write some more before I doze off again. Excuse the typos and run on sentences. Excuse the lame jokes and blah blah blah.

This has been the most insane few weeks of this year. I hope the last few weeks have found everyone in good health and your lives have been full and rich with many blessings!!!

First an update on Justin. He is fine. Perfect little devil. Never heard back from his hematologist so I'm assuming the test she re-ran on him came back okay.

Robbie is great. Freaking out about his SOL testing, which I personally as a mother am PISSED about. Seriously. My 9 year old should not be stressing a stupid test but focusing on learning and enjoying school! I'm not the only one who thinks this way. Parents are opting their kids out of the SOL testing. Its an option many parents don't know they have. Now you do :) Thanks to me. Yay me!

Jade is doing great, also. Well except for school. I think she will be held back this year. And we are all okay with it. She has a major disadvantage going for her - her age. She is a year younger then most her classmates. This makes it hard for her to be on the same learning level as the rest of her grade. We asked her if she is okay with it and she said she was. She understands. Hopefully we get a teacher this next year that will put more into her achieving instead of focusing on holding her back.

Cliff is good. He has been SUPER DUPER busy. He has taken on another project for work on top of what he is already doing so he is pretty swept up in work. Talked about the possibility of moving to Florida for a project down there. I'm all for it! LETS MOVE! SEE YA COLD WEATHER!!!

The house is coming along. Sort of. He has been busting his ass to get the flower beds mulched and stuff planted. Butterfly garden wasn't done before Haleigh's due date this past Saturday but that's this weekends project. Its going to be perfect when its done. We have butterfly attracting flowers all picked out and waiting to be planted.

Well, now we get to me. We all know how much I hate talking about me. ;)

Back in March I started not feeling too good. I was tired and cranky and just feeling all together blah. That lead to questions which lead to a pee stick which lead to a big fat + (POSITIVE). It took us by surprise. We had agreed that we were done trying to have more kids. I was done after my chemical pregnancy/2nd loss in February. It was just too emotionally draining for me to even want to get pregnant again only to be let down.

Well, this was a blessing. Its taken some time to get use to because of the loss of the baby back in September. Its been a very trying time for us the last few weeks. Its been hard to invest in a pregnancy that can have a tragic end like the previous 2. Its unknown and its so very scary. We kept it on the hush for a while. We didn't want to get everyone all excited only to be bearer of bad news again if something was to go wrong. We finally told his mom last night. We felt it was safe with all the stuff thats been going on with my health.

Thats my next topic. If you have been or are pregnant and have never had to endure morning sickness, FEEL VERY, VERY BLESSED!!!!!!!!!!!! Every single one of my pregnancies(except with Haleigh, which was the first sign something was wrong) have lead to one thing: Hyperemesis gravidarum (<~ you can find info on it if you click here) and hospital stays. It starts for me around 6 weeks and I'm doomed from then till I give birth. I had my first OB appointment last Monday and I was feeling yucky but it was manageable. I was tired and slept most of my days away to keep the puking to a minimal. Its no fun being in bed 75% of the day. I was puking up stuff but was able to hold things down. We got to see our little rainbow baby on a super ancient ultrasound machine and I wept when I saw the little flicker of my sweet babies heartbeat on the screen. There was no denying that that little baby growing inside me was very much alive and a week younger then I had thought! So at 6 weeks and 6 days, my little rainbow baby had a strong and beautiful heartbeat!!!

SAY HI TO RAINBOW BABY!!!! Purple circle between the two X's is rainbow baby! Its a HORRIBLE first photo!!! But like I said, the machine was about as old as my grandma. I didn't care. I saw what I needed to see!!!

Seems that the loss in February threw my ovulation off so when I thought we were safe, we were playing with fire. And what I thought was my monthly in February was really me miscarrying again.

A day or so after we had our first appointment, hell broke loose. My throwing up became a constant thing. Nothing was staying down. I was stuck on my death bed for 3 days before Cliff said enough was enough. The doctors had put me on Zofran, Reglan and Promethazine (all which makes me VERY sleepy!!!). All at the same time. PILLS DO NOT WORK ON A WOMAN WHO CANT EVEN KEEP A TABLESPOON OF WATER DOWN!! So Monday, Cliff called the doctor for me and told them they need to do something. He took me to the ER where I broke down crying everytime I saw someone with a water bottle. Ive never wanted water so badly in all my life. Like I would literally force myself to drink water only to throw it up 2 seconds later but I needed to taste its coldness!!! I was desperate!!!! I stayed there and got re-juiced and some IV meds. I felt like a million bucks but I told the doctor I needed to be set up with a portable IV machine. She said she would talk to my OB/GYNs office and see what they say. She spoke to the doc on call and it was the doctor I HATE HATE HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!! This man never once came to see me and has NO clue of my past history with this. It was left to him to say I didnt need to be sent home with anything other then what I got. JERK!!! I sat there and looked the ER doc in the face and said I thought it was BS and that I would be back because they werent listening to me.

I didnt know at the time but Cliff was already at my OBs office working out details to have a home-care nurse come in and help me with a portable Zofran machine. Thank god for Cliff. This man took the day off to take care of everything for me including the kids who are off for spring break. So starting in the next day or so, Ill be hooked up to a little cell phone sized machine that pumps meds into my body for as long as I need it. I have to function so this is my last resort. Taking on Hyperemesis and 3 kids is no joke.

Ive lost 15lbs since last Monday. That's how serious this is. If mama isn't getting any nutrients, neither is baby. So I take this VERY serious. Its not the diet I had in mind when I said I wanted to lose weight a couple months ago!!

So there you have it.

Oh and just to let everyone know, I have a horrible attitude now. So if you piss me off enough be prepared to be disowned. You've been warned. I'm pregnant and hormonal which makes me very not nice but it only shows IF you make me angry. Or cry. Don't make me cry. You will not like me anymore.Oh and dont ask me if this is our last baby or tell me that I should know better then to get pregnant again because of how sick I get. I didnt ask for this. But I do love the little babies that come out of it all. And I would do it a billion times over if I could.

We're having a rainbow baby!!!! Sometime between Thanksgiving and December 6th!!!! EEK!!!

Loss - Grief - Healing - Hope

Im learning as time goes on, that grief from a pregnancy loss is like a cancer.

It shows up one day totally unexpected. Exposes weaknesses you never knew you had.

It redefines a person and their life. How they live every day. Do you get up and face the day and the pain of having to live while your baby has passed? Or do you remain in bed and let it all consume you? Do you try again? Do you fight it or do you give up?

At first, its a battle to live and see any positive outcome beyond the dark hole you find yourself in. Grief takes over. You mourn. You cry. You get angry. You ask questions that may never be answered. You search for people who can understand. You laugh. You at one point question your own sanity. And you ask why... Why me? Why my family? Why did this happen?

Grief goes into remission.

Months(or years) after fighting the initial battle of loss, grief subsides a little. The silver lining of the recovery process makes it way through the storm clouds. A little bit of sunshine peeking through. You can smile again. You're able to look at life in a whole new light. A healing light. And a rainbow of hope. Because for a while, you lost all hope. Its a beautiful feeling to gain it again.

But every now and again, that grief will creep up on you. It can come in the most benign forms. And sometimes it comes as a slap in your face.

Something as simple as a friends new baby can bring up that grief again. And it eats away at you. You want YOUR baby to be born, too. I know I do. I know I ache for those kicks and achy ribs, frequent bathroom trips and morning sickness.

Sometimes it could be as simple as a commercial or TV show with a baby in it. My husband use to change the channel when there were new babies that came on during TV programs. He saw how upset it made me and didnt like it. After I while I felt it was okay to leave the shows on and I told him to stop. It was a baby step for me.

It can be a sharp sting to your soul. The loss of a friends pregnancy can bring up all that hurt again. Knowing what they have ahead of them but at the same time knowing you hate that you now can relate to that pain. Its a pain we all share when we lose a baby. Be it at 4 weeks of at 40 weeks. Your baby died. Their baby died. Its the worse thing a couple/family and a woman has to go through. Unfulfilled dreams and unspent love.

Just as sudden(or over time) as grief came back into your life, its back in remission.

Baby steps of the healing process. In and out of grief. And its okay. Its perfectly normal. Dont let anyone lead you to believe otherwise.

Im learning to heal. And with that Ive learned to hope and have faith in God who has a plan for us all. It may not be the plan we want, but its the plan he knows we need.

We all need hope. And we all need to hang on to the faith.

As for grief; you learn to bare it and move through it as part of your life. Never forgetting that sweet little angel watching over you.

Im waiting for my rainbow. Because I know that my rainy skys are giving way to a silver lining and soon Ill feel the warmth of the sun rays.

Hugs to all my baby loss moms. Love and Light bless you all.

**Sigh**

Dear Family,

No, I'm not pregnant.

I was at one point this past month.

Seems that my embryo didn't like my uterus.

Oh well. Such is life.

You can stop talking about it now. Hope this cleared up any confusion.

~R

I wonder...

So, Ive had some down time lately and that means a lot of time to think. There is a bunch of stuff on my mind from Justins health to my own.

Yesterday I was thinking about my miscarriage in September. I was trying to figure out all the things I could of possibly done that might of caused it. I know, I know.. they happen but it doesn't stop a woman from thinking this way from time to time. Its a natural process but its also hard to accept because we always are looking for a cause to things that happen in life.

I started thinking back before I even found out I was pregnant. Vacations, drinking like a mad woman with friends, flying, stress, Justin jumping on my belly just a few days before our loss. All of it could of caused some kind of damage to my growing baby that might have contributed to her death. I thought back even further and something stood out in my head.... My IUD.

I had issues with getting an IUD but I needed a more reliable form of birth control since I fail at taking the pill. Ive always been afraid to get an IUD because of the damage it could cause my uterus. I'm not cool with sticking objects in my body that shouldn't be there. I'm not even cool with taking a birth control pill because they cause miscarriages to occur. Yes, believe it or not, if an egg is fertilized while you are on the pill, you will lose that pregnancy because the pill causes your lining to not be favorable for the egg to implant. But drug companies and doctors FAIL to tell you this. This is also why a birth control pill is not 100% and only 92% effective. Theres that 8% chance the egg will implant.

Anywho, maybe the IUD did something to my uterus. Ive had no issues with completing a pregnancy to full term(except for the blighted ovum). Then I get the IUD removed, get pregnant months later and lose the pregnancy. Then the chemical pregnancy happens. So, I wonder if the two go hand in hand.

Its just a thought though. Who knows. All I know is that Im not going to be introducing any chemicals into my body ever again. No more birth control. No more! If I get pregnant again, thats a personal choice for me and my husband. We both know we will be okay. Babies in this house are a blessing! Now....Dear body, HOLD ON TO MY BABIES AND STOP LOSING THEM!!!!

On the road to recovery!

Excellent Hematologist appointment today!

Hgb 10
Hct  30
RBC ? I know its higher then before which means the marrow is doing its job again!

Everything is climbing just like it should.

SO!!! That means that T.E.C. may have been what he has after all. Still waiting on the Parvo results.

Some folic and B12 issues but nothing that cant be fixed.

Praise the Lord, my baby is healing!!!!!! THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS!!!

4 positives and then 3 negatives?

Lately Ive been REALLY tired and REALLY absentminded. Its gotten so bad that I completely forgot my husband had parked behind me the other day and in a rush to get Jade to her tutor lesson, I backed directly into the front of his car. Even when it happened, it didnt register that I had hit his car! I was like 'omg! wtf did I just hit???" Only when I got out of the car did I have my 'oh shit' moment.

Okay so I took a pregnancy test that night. Things were adding up. it came back as half a positive. Like one solid control line and half of the second 'your pregnant' line. So I took another one. It was more faint. Another 'oh shit' moment for me. I kept it to myself  for the night. Id test again in the AM when my HGC levels would higher in my urine. So I woke up the next day. Pee'd on one stick. It wasnt working! The purple dye wasnt going up the stick like it should of been! So I took another a little while later when I could force myself to pee lol It came back positive! When I went back later to look at the other one, it was also positive! 4 positives. Those are positives right? 2 lines yes. 1 line no. I am seeing two lines, right? Ive used this brand before. They come in a box of 5 strips. I used them when I found out I was pregnant with Haleigh.

First top two are from Thursday. Bottom two are from Friday morning.

So just to be 100% sure, I did what ever other woman does. I run to CVS and pick up a 3 pack of EPT. I waited an hour and pee'd on the stick. Negative. I took another one a few hours later and same thing. Negative. I asked my cousin what it meant and she said to do it again in the morning. So I did. Pee'd on the stick and NEGATIVE! 3 negatives to my 4 positives. I started spotting a little today. Not much but a little speck here and there. I figure it was from messing around with hubs this morning. 

Top two from Friday. Bottom from this morning.

So what does this all mean? Well I can think of two things.

1. The test pack I used was faulty and the batch was bad giving me a false positive(which is rare).

OR

2. I had a chemical pregnancy.

Id much rather have the 1st option over the second. Because the second means I have lost yet another pregnancy. Which right now, I really emotionally could NOT take the news of that. I mean seriously. After losing one baby and the recent drama with Turtles health all in a 5 month time span..... I might just lose my last thread of hope I have left for any chance of having a normal freaking year. 

Over dramatic? Maybe to you. You haven't had to go through the last 5 months. I pray that you never do and that you never judge a woman who has. 

So what do I do now?

Wait. Thats all I can do.

Lately, my lifes been one great big waiting game. And Im tired of waiting.

AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, things are improving slowly! Last week Monday, Justins Hct and HgB counts were 6.7 and 17.

Today we hit 8 HgB and 24.7 Hct!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its a small jump but its improvement!!!!! Ill take that over not having any jumps or even dipping!!!

YAY!!! This makes me soooo happy. My little guy is on a good path and hopefully everything will look up from here on out!!!!

Todays appointment.

Well, it didnt go as I would of liked. But Im confident that the doctor we are seeing now will take the best of care of my little one.

This is what we know so far after the appointment:

-It is too early to give him a diagnosis of T.E.C. so what the doctors at the hospital told us is not 100%.

-It could be any of a number of things. All which we will test for as time goes by.

-Justins little heart is working over time. Which is understandable because it has to compensate for the blood loss.

-Justin has lost his appetite. He will eat the bare min. of food and then be done. At least I can get him to eat fruits and yogurt when I can.

-The doctor said that if his levels remain the same or lower in the next two weeks, a blood transfusion will be needed.

-The doctor is going to be looking at his blood platelets to see if he has sickle cell anemia and a few other things this time around. If things come back fine, we will go onto the next round of testing.

-It takes 3 nurses and myself to hold Justin down for blood draws even when he is wrapped up like a burrito!

I just want my baby to get better. Like NOW!

We will be seeing the regular pediatrician next monday for a retest of his levels and then we head back to Lombardi Cancer Center in Washington DC on the 21st to talk about what the blood work showed and what our next steps are.

Thats all the update I have energy for now. Till next week. Or before if something happens this weekend. Which I hope it doesnt.

Hematologist Tomorrow

We got Justin an appointment with a Hematologist tomorrow morning. It was a last minute squeeze in but I'm so glad we found someone who has experience with this and who could take a new patient referral last minute!

Ill update sometime after his appointment which is at 1130.

Heres to a positive outcome!! Pray!!!

Justin update #2

I took Justin in today for a retest. Im just not use to him looking so pale and I wanted to make sure things were okay. His iron count is 'okay' and his hemoglobin and hemocrit levels are the same as they were last week. Which is good but I wanted to see them go up. Even if just a little. She also said that with him being as anemic as he is, she is surprised he doesn't have a heart murmurer. His little heart is taking everything so well.

We are going to be taking him to see an hematologist/oncologist this week. Just for a second opinion and more tests that a regular pediatrician wont do. This can be a multitude of things and we don't want to chance anything with him. My baby is far to important to us to just sit around and wait for answers.

Keep those prayers coming! Little guy needs as many as he can get!!

Update on Justin

Well, we had his follow up appointment on Friday to recheck his hemo and hemo crit levels. We were hoping for improvement but his little body is still not producing red blood cells like he should be. His levels were the same as the day before. Doc said that she wants him back in a week instead of two to recheck him. If his levels do not change or get worse again, we will be seeing a hemotologist or oncologist for furture testing and monitoring. Depending on what happens, he is still on the list of potentially needing a blood transfusion. So let's all pray that his levels increase and his bone marrow starts kicking up red blood cell production again.

Today he was a little pale again but his color is coming back. He is eatting here and there but is so stinking picky.

Its scary having to go through all this with Justin. Probably the scariest thing Ive gone through as a mother. I now know what my mom felt like when she found my little sister in the middle of a febrile seizure when she was 2.

I guess we wait now.

Oh Justin... you make mommy crazy!

I gotta get this out. Ill be all over the place due to little sleep and emotional distress. Plus there will be typos because I have to phone blog since MWH is too cheap to get wi-fi in patients rooms lol

If anyone knows Justins story, you'll know he is known for giving me grey hairs from the beginning of his little life up til now.

Yesterday I had a healthy happy 2 year old. He was bouncing off the walls last night and seemed fine. But that all changed at 430 this morning.

Cliff had woken up out of a dead sleep for some reason. He kept trying to go back to sleep but couldn't. He went into the kids bathroom to find the toilet running so he fixed it and Justin woke up. Cliff went to get him and as he was bringing him into the bedroom he told me Justin felt really hot. So I took his temp and it was 101.7. Nothing really serious in my eyes since we have all been fighting a nasty cold. I laid him next to me and he asked if he could nurse ("have milk, mama?") So I began to nurse him. No more then 20 seconds into nursing he stopped, began to shake a little and cry. I said his name and told him it was okay because I though maybe he had been scared by the dark or something but within seconds I knew what was happening. He stopped crying, his eyes fixated forward and he began to convulse. I quickly laid him on his side. Cliff started freaking out and I grabbed my phone which I keep on my nightstand and called 911.

That had to be the longest minute of my entire life.

I quickly pulled some pants on while Justin was seizing and scoped him up and moved him downstairs to the front hall to wait for his seizure to stop and to wait for EMS to get to our house. Cliff was still in panic mode and was not making things easy for me. I've been trained to handle things like this but never did I think Id have to be using my training on my own baby or telling the father of my baby to walk away and calm down because the baby didn't need the added stress when he came out of the seizure. I've never seen Cliff like that and I felt horrible having to leave him behind but I needed to.

Justin finally stopped seizing and I kept talking to him until EMS showed up. He was so tired and pale. EMS got to our house, did their eval and we were on an ambulance within minutes headed to the hospital. Justin was so cranky on the ride over but had zero energy to do anything more then cry.

We got to the ER where they did chest xrays and a CAT scan along with blood work. Everything came back clean except his blood iron count and his hemocrit count. They retook blood to rerun it and it came back the same. Normal Hemocrit count would be above 30 but Justin was at 17. So the doc told me they needed to transfer him to Mary Washington because Stafford medical didn't have a pediatric unit and Justin needed to be seen because the iron thing was not right.

We were transported by ambulance to Mary Washington Hospital shortly after and for the first time all morning I saw my Justin smile. He laughed on the ride over and he was in awe of the cool ambulance! He was so stinking cute!

So far we have spoken to 1 doctor, Doctor Brown. She got our story and started telling me about some kind of blood disorder or something that she though fit the symptoms of what JT was going through but she wanted to run it by a hematologist up at Childrens Hospital in DC. She came back a few hours later and said the hematologist agreed that it sounded like transient erythroblastopenia of childhood. Something to do with his bone marrow not producing red blood cells. I'm kind of lost in the medical terminology right now so I'm not 100% sure what everything means. We have to stay overnight for observation and more blood work in the morning. Hopefully things start to look up for him in the blood cell department.

That's where we stand right now. No seizures since and he seems happy and playful. The Tylenol is keeping him tamed since he has been napping here and there. He finally fell asleep around 6 which allowed me to sleep a little. He woke up and was playing in his crib/bed the entire time and didn't make a peep while I slept. I woke up to check on him and there was his little cheesy grin. We talked a little and I told him to watch some TV because mommy was so sleepy and wanted to lay down again. He goes "okay" and laid down. I said "I love you, baby" and he goes "lub you, mom". Sweet music to my ears. I laid back down and fell asleep. He must of dozed off again because the nurse came in to check on him and I woke up. She said she wouldn't bug him because he looked so peaceful. He fell back asleep, too!

I'm so thankful right now. I'm thankful that my baby boy pulled through that seizure. I'm so thankful that God has given me the strength and knowledge to remain calm and provide the care he needed. God was helping my child through me. I'm so thankful for my husband and childrens loving words and encouragement. I am so thankful for my family and their prayers. And I am so thankful for my friends who have been praying and thinking of my sweet Justin and my family.

My Justie will pull through this. He is a tough cookie. I know my baby and after all our ER visits and hospital stays, I know he is just making sure he is my last baby. LOL!

Angel Ballon Release

These months have ticked by so slowly for me. I would of been 29 weeks pregnant yesterday. I try not to do the "I would of..." thing but some days it sneaks up on me and bites me in the rear.


My due date is a couple months off still, but it weighs on my mind like a heavy burden. I should be planning the birth of my baby. But I'm not. And that makes me sad. Very, unimaginably sad.

Ive decided to put my planning into something else. Ive decided to plan a balloon release the weekend I was suppose to be bringing a little baby home.

I want to invite everyone I know who has lost a pregnancy regardless of how far they were. I want them to invite everyone they know who has had a loss. I want them to show up and remember their little ones. To release some of their pain.

So this is what Ive thought of so far:

1. Balloons of course. Pink and Blue.
2. Little cards that families can write a special note to their Angels on.
3. A moment of silence.
4. Reflection service by the river. This will give people a chance to reflect on their little ones life if they choose to do so. Read a poem or a letter to your Angel, be silent or cry. We would all be there to support one another and to let one another know, we are not alone.
5. Balloon release.

I think I can do this. I'm scared though. This means having to face my own pain and sadness and letting others see a side of me that no one has yet.

If anyone would  like to participate whether it be just having me write a card to attach to a balloon for you in honor of your Angel of of a loved ones Angel, I will do everything in my power to make it happen.

Fill in the blank Friday!

I was going to blog about something totally not fun but decided it can wait for later when I gather my thoughts about what I need to write.

For now I will follow my blogger babes leads :)


1. If my house was on fire and I could only grab 3 things I would grab my photo box, Haleighs' memory box that has her only ultrasound pictures and my car keys because I need a place to put my kids!

2. A smell I really like is fresh cut grass. When I was pregnant during the summers, it was the one smell that helped my constant nausea. Its kind of stuck with me since as something I love to smell.

3. Something you might not know about me is I was severely abused as a child up until I was 12 and put into the foster system.

4. Some of my favorite websites to putter about on are Hyperbole and a Half, I Heart Faces Photography, the unnecessarian, and a few other miscarriage sites that have been SO helpful for me over the last 4 months.

5. This weekend I will be cleaning house and designing logo/watermarks. I seem to have unlocked another talent in my talent tree! (If you know what World of Warcraft is about, you'll understand that reference!)

6. Nothing makes me happier than hearing my husband tell me how proud he is of me and how he thinks I should be selling my designs. I honestly LOVE hearing that from him! Makes me feel like Im doing something finally with myself and I love the support he has offered with my photography business!

7. A bad habit I have is not doing the dishes. I HATE, HATE, HATE dish duty. And I HATE when my husband makes dinner and makes a billion dishes and doesn't wash them. M hands are really sensitive to the dish detergent and break out in little water blisters a day after washing a sink full of dishes. It sucks! I also tend to sleep in til 8AM on school days but somehow manage to get the kids dressed, fed and out the door by 8:35 every morning lol Oh and Laundry.. HATE IT! And I dont do windows! LOL (this said bad 'habit' and not habits, didnt it?)

"Hope for the Day" from SilentGrief.com‏

(I get these in my email box. They are very inspirational and they have helped me so much as has the website. I recommend it for anyone who has experienced the loss of a pregnancy or child.)

January 14, 2011

A new year has begun, and yet we find ourselves feeling the same

pangs of emptiness and loss as we did the year before.  And, so we

ask, "How does one begin anew when the heart has been taken out

of life?"  That is the question every parent asks when a child dies.

"How?  How does one begin anew?"

When our heart has been broken, we don't have answers - at least

not answers that make any sense.  And, so in our desperation and

brokenness, we turn to God for our help.  We look to the only One who

can give us the hope and the reason to go on.

Practice this exercise faithfully for the next 30 days and you will

begin to notice small, subtle changes that will eventually give you

back your heart.  Say "thank you" aloud for five blessings each day.

Take ten minutes to experience nature - listen to the birds singing

their morning praises, experience the miracle of the rising sun, gaze

at the twinkling stars in the moonlit sky.  Memorize five verses

from the Psalms - healing verses that tell of God's mighty power

and His infinite love for you.

At the end of 30 days, you will desire to continue this practice for

another 30 days, and another, and another all throughout the year

as this is your way of feeding your soul and bringing life back

into your once empty heart!  -- Clara Hinton

"Life has a way of bringing you back to places you thought were

forever forgotten."  --Clara Hinton

"Cease striving and know that I am God."  -- Psalm 46:10a

---------------
Clara Hinton
Site Founder/Author, Speaker, Workshop Leader
Visit Silent Grief for articles, resources, message boards, and additional support for healing through loss.
Also Visit www.clarahinton.com for information about Grief Relief, Resiliency, and a free weekly subscription to Weekly Focus.
Clara Hinton - Site Founder, Author, and Speaker




(I got the following one on  my birthday. It was needed and God knew it.)

December 2, 2010

The pain of loss is something that cannot be explained by

words alone.  How does one explain a pain that runs so deep

that it makes the heart bleed?  How does one tell others what

it feels like to have a cloud always hovering above with reminders

of the life that no longer exists as we once knew it?  How

can we possibly share the personal pain we feel to the extent

that others understand?  It cannot be done.  Grief is too personal.

How then do we move forward?  How do we find our place in

our new world - the world that has been created by our loss?

How can we find a way to bring joy back into our hearts that

hurt so much each day?  Is it even possible to reclaim joy?

This world is full of pain and grief.  That is a fact.  But, it is

also brimming over with joy and blessings.  When we are in

the pits of grief, we feel alone and abandoned by all blessings.

But, as we allow hope to ignite within us, it acts as a magnet

drawing the blessings of life closer and closer to us until finally

we reach that point where we can see joy again.  No longer does

grief rule our lives.  It is there.  We will always feel that sting of

loss, but no longer will it govern our every thought and action.

Hope is alive, and it is bigger than any pain we are feeling right

now!  Cling to hope and it will ignite a fire within your heart

so that you can find your way out of the darkness into light! -C. Hinton

"Be still and allow the hope within to warm your heart with joy."  --Clara Hinton

"The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer."  -- Psalm 18:2:a

If only in my dreams...

I had the most amazing dream last night. Its so vivid and I felt awesome and so thankful when I woke up. They say that loved ones who pass come back to visit us. Be it through dreams, smells, subtle touches, visions, etc... they come back to let you know they are okay. To some it may sound crazy but to me, its very real and I very much believe in it.

It was like I was there. Running in a sunny field with long grass and butterflies everywhere, behind 2 young children. One was a girl who looked to be about 6 or 7 and one was a boy who looked a little older. I never saw the boy since his back was always turned towards me as we ran together. The girl would turn and run backwards and smile the most beautiful smile and laugh. She has long curly, dirty blond hair. A beautiful pure white complexion. Her eyes were this beautiful almond shaped. Brown colored. 

My little girl is happy and I'm almost 100% sure that the little boy running with us was our other little one we lost to a blighted ovum a few years back. My babies are free and happy. Running in a field of unforgotten dreams.

This gives me hope that someday I will be reunited with them again.

A BIG decision...

I was doing a lot of thinking over the weekend and after talking to 2 of my good friends about kids, I came to realize somethings about well, me. Most of it had to do with what I want to get out of myself in the future. Career. Schooling. Free time. The subject of more kids came to question. I thought about it. For as much as I want another baby, is it really what I NEED?

Do I need another baby? The answer I came up with, No. I don't.

Do I want another baby? Yes. I would LOVE another baby!

Do I need another mouth to feed? Another body to clothe? More diapers to change? Another Crib? MORE responsibility? No. I don't. We could not comfortably afford another baby and be able to give my 3 already existing children what we would like to give them. It would be a tight fit in this 3 bedroom house. 3 kids is a huge responsibility already. One Im SO blessed with but at times I can be overwhelmed. Its not easy.

This weekend gave me a glimpse of what I could be enjoying more often. I had a GREAT weekend with just ME. I left my kids at home with their dad and took off to DC for the night. Something I wouldnt be able to do for a long time if another baby came into the picture.

I wouldnt be able to focus on my schooling or my career. I mean, I cant bring a newborn on photo shoots! Imagine pushing around a stroller trying to be professional. Not ganna happen.

I probably sound a bit selfish. In a way I am. Ive devoted 24 years of helping others(started back when I was 6 and I had to be in charge of my brothers and sisters). Ive always placed my best foot forward so that others can be happy. But what about ME? When am I going to place my best foot forward for myself?

I think I shall start today. Well technically I started this weekend lol I did everything this weekend for ME. Not for the kids. Not for Cliff. I had MY fun. In MY way. The way I like it.

So the conclusion of this all....

A new baby would be a great addition to my life. But right now, a new baby is not something I NEED in my life. So all my TTC worries are now over for the time being.

Its time I redirect my energy on bettering myself so that I can be the best for my kids and if there comes a time where Im ready to bring a new baby into the picture, Id want to be the best I could be for him/her.

PASS!

So, last night was a nice night. Me and hubs baby danced. But this time around I asked him to use protection. He was puzzled. Poor guy. He was like "you don't want to get pregnant????" to which I responded "not right now." Bless his heart. Just the way he said it.

I need to wait another month or two. I'm sure he understands. Until then, no more having to worry about opks and BFP/BFN and stressing that 2 weeks before you can test.

TTC isnt easy man! Time to take a break and just enjoy some good old sex LOL

Happy Angel-versary Nani

Yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of my cousin Henrys death. A VERY emotional day for me.

Henry was one of my best friends growing up. As cousins, we did EVERYTHING together. Even went to the same school, spent every summer with at our Aunts house and I so admired him for everything he ever did in his short life.

He was on loan to us. God had plans for him to make a difference in peoples lives and when he fulfilled that task, God called him back home. He was given 5 years to live after his heart transplant and God let us have him for 9. 4 more years then what the doctors predicted.

I miss him so much. I'm at peace with the idea he is up in heaven taking care of my little ones with my other relatives.

Love you guys so much! Cant wait to see you again in heaven!